Déjà vu

It was probably the rainiest day of the year and here I was, back and forth, still running minor errands for the great Johanna Miller, such as getting her coffee, when I have been working for her for almost six months now...

When I saw in the newspaper an advert saying they were looking for a junior personal assistant for Johanna Miller, I thought that God had finally listened to my prayers… And after beating hundreds of candidates and landing one of the most coveted jobs, working for the editor-and-chief of Stiletto Magazine, I was sure my luck had finally changed…Foolish of me for getting my hopes up.

I was cursed to arrive home every night and use the remaining energy to massage my poor feet filled with blisters and drink cheap wine.

I was almost returning to Stiletto Magazine when my cell phone began chiming loudly in my pocket.

“Alice, Johanna does no longer wants the Caramel Frappuccino nor those chocolate cookies. She has just received an e-mail saying that Fashion Week has been anticipated. It will be within one month, so it gives her exactly 30 days to start and finish her scared pre-Fashion Week 30-day-cleanse.  On that note, you ought to bring her a Venti, half green tea plus half passion fruit tea, UNSWEETENED. Ok?”

“I am sorry Emma could you repeat the order again? An ambulance was passing by and the noise- “I paused finding strange the silence. Usually Emma would seize every chance to mock me.” Emma? Emma are you there? Brilliant…She just hung up on me…” I turned around, heading for another trip to Starbucks.

I glanced at tall coffee cup on my right hand and to the homeless man on my left, sitting against the dirt wall and it became clear what I had to do.

“Good morning sir. I just bought this for my boss, but she decided she doesn’t want it anymore. Can you believe these rich, spoiled people? Always spending money on things, they end up not using…”

The man simply sat there, completely obliviate to my words, his eyes focused only at the warm cookies and drink on my hand.

“I am sorry. I am just babbling. Here. I hope you like it. Have a great day sir.”

He smiled, revealing his missing teeth.

But as I got up, a strong gush of wind took my umbrella away.

“Shit.”

I bolted in the direction of my flying umbrella, trying to catch it but

I ended up bumping someone, and my glasses and I were on the floor.

“I am sorry.” I said absent mindedly, my hands frantically searching for my glasses.

“Are you looking for these?” The stranger asked while putting them back on me.

“Yes. Thank you so much. I-” Then our eyes met.

And

I could not speak, move, think nor breathe. The rain kept pouring and all I could do was stare at the man in front of me.

“A-Alistair?”

“Yes, Alice.”

“Alistair is it really you? Are you really here? Are you alive?”

“Yes, Alice. It’s really me and I am very much alive.”

My hands were glued to his beautiful face, and in spite of the feeling of his soft skin underneath my fingertips I needed the ultimate proof. Thus, my hands lowered to the left side of his chest.

And there it was:

Thump Thump Thump

Thump Thump Thump

The sound I had most craved these last three hundred and sixty-five days, eight thousand seven hundred and sixty hours I cried endlessly until I fell asleep…The beating of his heart…

Alistair, my husband, the man whom I was told had died in combat a year ago, was alive and was now in front of me.

He chuckled and the sound of his laughter unleashed a wave of memories, immediately tearing down every single one of the walls I had to build after losing my one and only love.

I collapsed, knees on the ground, tears of pure relief streaming uncontrollably down my eyes. And with each tear that fell, a piece of my shattered heart slowly began falling to its rightful place.

“Alice we should go find shelter quickly because this weather is about to get worse.” I nodded and we bolted towards the first café we found. Luckily for us, the place was practically empty, and we were able to find a table as soon as we entered.

“Alice, my love, I like the new haircut. It suits you.” He said wearing the same flirtatious smile on his face as he had the night we met. Except this time, I was definitely not in the mood for playing games. I only wanted to know what had happened to him. Where he had been all this time. How he had found me.

“Alistair, I really don’t think now is the time for small-talk.” I declared fiercely determined.

“You are right. I am sorry. You probably want to know everything about what happened, where I have been. But before I tell you, I am going to order us some hot chocolate ok?”

“You know I can’t argue with that. I could use something warm and sweet.”

The waiter quickly brought our mugs, generously filled with hot chocolate. Just the mere sight and smell of it was enough to make my mouth water.

“So, tell me what happened.”

“Remember the last time I called?”

“Yes…How could I ever forget? It was to tell me you were finally coming home the next day and then…It was also the last time I heard from you.”

“That is right. My men and I, we were on our way back to the base, when three jeeps barricaded us, and we were attacked…I was the only one who survived…” He paused, taking a deep breath. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the depth of his feelings and thoughts. Thinking about the Alistair I knew and married, he was most likely carrying guilt and regret in his heart. “These men were more than my responsibility. They were my family.” Upon his last words, I began reflecting about them. Alistair was ten years older than me and when we met, he had already done three tours to Iraq with them. We had only dated for three months before getting married, against both our families wishes. The truth was that we were madly in love with each, so we didn’t think everything as thoroughly as we should have. Then, in the middle of our honeymoon, Alistair received a call. He had to leave within two days. At the time, I was crushed because we had just started or lives together as husband and wife. And now he had to leave again. Of course, Alistair saw these men as his family, considering how much time and hardships they had endured together. He took out his wallet and showed me a picture of him and a group of five men.

“This one on the right is…was Ryan Prescott. He left a wife and two little children. The one next to him was Gregory Daniels. He was the only remaining family” his younger brother had…Now he is in an orphanage…The one to my left was John Lewis. He left a pregnant wife…This one was Phillip Henderson. He was just a little eighteen-year-old kid that had barely got facial hair. And lastly, the man on the front was Simon Woods. He was like a father to me…He left a wife, two sons and five grandchildren…”

He paused, taking a deep breath, trying to prevent the tears that had appeared in his stormy eyes. But there was too much bottled emotion inside him and the only way for him to begin healing was to set them free.

“I don’t understand why God took them away so soon. Why did he spare my pathetic life and reaped theirs?”

I intertwined my fingers with his and caressed his hand with my thumb.

“Alistair, it was not your fault. You had no idea of the ambush. You can’t foretell the future.”

“I should have known. It was my job to think about every possible scenario and prepare accordingly. Instead, I was completely absorbed in the thought of returning home, to your arms...Because since I have met you, I have been wanting to leave this life behind. And my men…They paid the ultimate price…”

“Alistair, I am truly sorry that you have carried that guilt alone. But none of it was your fault, and I am sure that if you could talk to them right now, they would the exact same thing. I am here for you now my love and I promise to help you get through this.” I gently tightened my grip on his hands “But how did you return? How did you know where I was?”

“I was captured and tortured by those rebels for God knows how long…I can’t even remember those days clearly. I only remember that one day I managed to escape… I ran and ran until I found a shelter. Before I passed out from exhaustion, a group of men surrounded me, and my last thought was that I was finally going to die. But once again, no harm came to me. Those men happened to be Americans. They took care of me and a week after I was sent home. Then, I searched each of my men’s family to give them my condolences personally. Afterwards I searched for you Alice.”

“I am so glad you are here Alistair. I have missed you so much.”

“It was my love for you Alice that kept me alive and guided me back to you.”

His lips were just inches away from mine, so I closed my eyes, waiting for them to capture mine…

Ring Ring Ring

Ring Ring Ring

I woke up abruptly, sweat dripping on my forehead, tears streaming down my face.

I had just had the weirdest dream with Alistair, my deceased husband…I glanced at the window. The wind was blowing outside, the sky was filled with dark clouds, ready to burst at any point now.

Just like my heart. Knowing everything had been nothing but a figment of my deepest desires, it nearly broke me… It had been so real…Losing him once had been enough, but losing him twice…Now that was pure evil…How could I have let my mind play such tricks with my heart?

Glancing at the clock on my nightstand, I got dressed quickly and headed to Stiletto Magazine, for another torturous days, running around.

I was almost returning to Stiletto Magazine when my cell phone began chiming loudly in my pocket.

“Alice, Johanna does no longer wants the Caramel Frappuccino not the chocolate cookies. She has just received an e-mail saying that Fashion Week has been anticipated. It will be within one month, so it gives her exactly 30 days to start and finish her scared pre-Fashion Week 30-day-cleanse. On that note, you ought to bring her a Venti, half green tea plus half passion fruit tea, UNSWEETENED. Ok?”

I had this strange sensation of already having heard those words but the responsible worker in me spoke louder.

 “I am sorry Emma could you repeat the order again? An ambulance was passing by and the noise- “I paused finding strange the silence. Usually Emma would seize every chance to mock me.

” Emma? Emma are you there? Brilliant…She just hung up on me…”

I turned around, heading for another trip to Starbucks.

I glanced at tall coffee cup on my right hand and to the homeless man on my left, sitting against the dirt wall and I furrowed my brow.

‘Where had I seen this man before?’

“Good morning sir. I just bought this for my boss, but she decided she doesn’t want it anymore. Can you believe these rich, spoiled people? Always spending money on things, they end up not using…”

The man simply sat there, completely obliviate to my words, his eyes focused only at the warm cookies and drink on my hand.

“I am sorry. I am just babbling. Here. I hope you like it. Have a great day sir.”

He smiled, revealing his missing teeth.

Then as I got up, a strong gush of wind took my umbrella away.

“Shit.”

I bolted in the direction of my flying umbrella, trying to catch it but I ended up bumping someone, and my glasses and I were on the floor.

“I am sorry.” I said absent mindedly, my hands frantically searching for my glasses.

“Are you looking for these?” The stranger asked while putting them back on me.

“Yes. Thank you so much. I-” And then I realized that my dream was unfolding before my eyes, and the man I had bumped against was

“Alistair!” I launched myself into his arms, for this time I knew that I was no longer dreaming. Alistair had found me and we were together at last.