You Could Rip Simon To Bits

‘Barry, could I ask your opinion on something’. 

‘Sure, is it going to be a deep conversation on life, the world, the universe and stuff if so, I’ll get a beer’. 

‘Laugh out loud Barry, just want to ask you what you think of my ideas for a dinner date I’m setting up with Simon the new guy I’m seeing that I really like and as you’re a bloke I thought you may have some ideas’. 

‘Christ Suzi I’m the least romantic guy I know. Ask Penny or Robert, I’m sure they would be much better at that than me’. 

‘Can’t as they are checking out some housemates for their new place and are staying there for a few nights’. 

‘Well, if I’m your only choice, I’ll give it my best shot, but I’ll get something stronger to go with the beer’. 

Laughing to himself off he goes to get the drinks. 

‘Do I need to know anything about him, so I could get into character’

I laugh.

‘I think you starting to take this a little too seriously’.

‘OK so far, I’m undecided if I want to arrange to meet at a posh restaurant,, or I’ll cook here at the house’. 

‘Suzi is that your not so subtle way of telling me that I may have to get lost one night’. 

‘Thanks for understanding, you’re a sound guy’. 

We spent the next couple of hours and too many beers and stronger stuff discussing my thoughts, his thoughts and we came up with a plan. 

‘So, here what we’ve got. Pre drinks at the Rose, then dinner here. Starter scallops, cauliflower puree, chorizo lardons. Main shoulder of lamb, with buttered spinach, dauphinoise potatoes and rosemary gravy. Dessert chocolate & amaretto mousse and or Limoncello posset. And of course, a couple of bottles of champagne’.

‘OK what do you think’? 

‘Sounds very romantic Suzi, and I’m sure if he’s not already into you then he will be after all that be maybe you should have gone with the oysters as I suggested’. 

Laughing I said, ‘think that would be a step to far’. 

‘You’re going to have to cook a meal like that for me one day’.

‘I thought you loved my cooking’. 

‘I do a lot but never had one of your posh meals’. 

‘Tell you what for you helping me out, I’ll test the chocolate & amaretto mousse on you all when Penny and Robert are back’. 

I phoned Simon the next day and asked if he would like to come to dinner the following Saturday. He said he thought he’d got plans with a mate, some party of his mate’s friend but he’d check and get back to me, but it sounds good if I’m free. I’ll call you back tomorrow and let you know. Fine, no rush. I’m out with my flatmates tomorrow night if you want to join us and you can tell me then. We’ll be at the Crown on Station Road from about eight if you can make it. OK, he said. 

He hadn’t appeared at the Crown by 9.30 so rather him turning up and we’d gone I text to say we were moving to the Rose and would be there ‘till closing. No appearance no call or text. I text the next day to say he’d missed a good night. He apologised and said he’d been working late then went for a couple of drinks with some workmates and signal wasn’t good in the bar so couldn’t contact me. He said while you’re on can’t make Saturday could we make it the following week and would be great to catch up then. Sorry he said but I can’t see you between now and then as busy, sorry. No problem I said I’m just looking forward to catching up. Me too, me too he said. 

I texted him a couple of days before.

Are we still on for Saturday?

I might not make the pre drinks. Do you mind if I just come round to the house?  I’ll bring some cocktails as a pre drink. 

That’s fine, it will give me time to do some more pre prep. 

Great. 

‘Suzi, what time do you want me out of the house on Saturday’?

‘Simon is coming at eight so any time before then. What are you going to do now Penny and Robert are no longer about to go to the pub’.

‘Thought I’d go to The Ritzy as they’re playing Escape from New Year and as you know it’s a favourite’. 

I laughed and thought it might fast become a favourite of mine as I’ve watched it with him that many times.

Saturday morning Simon texted 

Sorry, something came up and can’t make it ‘till about nine. 

No worries. 

Saturday arrived. Prep done. Showered and changed done. Pre, pre drinks drink to settle the nerves, done. 

Text received at eight fifty-five

Sorry Suzi I’m not coming. I’m sorry but, I don’t think we are the right fit I should have told you weeks ago. 

I texted back. 

YOU’RE A SH*T. 

What to do? I’ll text Barry as I don’t want it to go to waste. 

Hi, are you at the cinema yet? Just Simon the sh*t has let me down and wondered if you wanted the taste my ‘posh’ food? 

                                                            I’m on my way, pour me a beer. 

You’re a good friend. 

You’re a good cook. 

‘Dinner was wonderful Suzi and not to be rude, but the beer mimosa will never be repeated’. 

‘It was a last-minute cocktail. Glad you enjoyed the rest’. 

‘What now’ he said. ‘Board game? Film? How about Love Actually’. 

I throw the cushion at him. He laughed. 

‘We could just sit, and chat and you could rip Simon to bits. You know how good you are at doing that as I’ve listened to you do it a few times over the years about different blokes’. 

Laughing I said.  ‘Barry, you need to go on telly as a comedian. How about we just sit here and talk and see where it goes’.

‘Fine by me he said’. 

‘You go first funny man’. 

‘Oh, the pressure. Well, I’ve always wondered who the people are in the photo over there. I know they’re not your parents or grandparents as I’ve meet them, so who are they’?

‘Well funny man this will make you laugh. The photo came in the frame and I though what a lovely looking couple I’d just left it in there’. 

‘Suzi, only you. Reminds me of the story line of Phoebe in Friends. Now there is something we can discuss all night’.

And we did