The Midas Touch

There is a lesson in the story of Midas king of Phrygia about wishing for something and then finding out that it was not really what you wanted. The Greeks used this as a life lesson about greed and an insatiable appetite for luxury.  The king learned quickly enough that having a golden touch was not a blessing.  It was a curse.

Barney Jackson was dejected when he walked out of Cashman’s Bar and Grill, his favorite watering hole.  His gait was unsteady as he approached the wishing well in front of the bar. He stopped and stared at it.  He could not believe his eyes. 

“A wishing well?” He pondered for a moment.  Of all the times he had frequented this place, he had never noticed this odd construct.  After pushing the rock uphill at Miller & Salvolenti Law Firm, Barney was tired of achieving nothing better than Sisyphus’ results.      

“I have never gotten a fair shake. It is time, I got my due.” He slurred his words as he leaned over to toss in his coin.  He was fortunate that he did not stumble into the will when he let go of his coin. 

His companion and coworker, Myron Assamodin who had accompanied Barney, just stood there shaking his head as he stuffed his hands in his pockets.  When Barney began to lose his footing, Myron managed to grab Barney before he slipped on the slick pavement. 

“Hey bud, you’ve got to be careful.” He put his arm around his shoulder to guide him toward Myron’s car.

“Ya know everyone always gets the brass ring.” Barney managed to stumble along next to Myron. “It’s my turn, dammit.” 

“Sure, sure.” Myron stood Barney next to the passenger door. As he unlocked the car door, Barney swayed on his heels.

“Easy.” Myron reached over to steady Barney as he wobbled a bit. “I’ll get you home in a jiffy.”

“Home. Ha!” Barney got in the passenger’s seat when Myron opened the door. “I live in an overpriced apartment.  Sometimes the heat fails to work during the winter.” 

“Sounds terrible.” Myron guided his friend into his car. 

“Horrible.” He shook his head and grimaced. 

Myron faithfully delivered him back to his apartment and made sure Barney was safely inside before driving off. 

The next morning, Barney woke with a horrific hangover.  He stumbled to his tiny bathroom and looked at his blurry red eyes in his mirror.

“Oh God, you are one hell of a wreck.” Barney rubbed his eyes with his hand and spit into the sink. 

We must consider the bottom line.

Barney straightened up, his blurry red eyes wide open upon hearing the voice, “Who said that?” 

There was no answer. 

Barney began running the cold water spigot and splashed some cold water in his face.

But the merger will cost jobs.

“Who?” He shook off like a dog.  

And again his question went unanswered. 

“What the heck is going on?” He wiped his face with a towel.  He peered into the mirror again, but he was not looking at his own reflection.

“Ahhh.” He gasped. “Who are you?”

“Zap.” The face in the mirror answered.

“Who?”

“Well, Zapper is my full name, but I have found most people do not want to exert the effort to say my full name.” He smiled, his face as round as the full moon, “You may wonder what I am doing here.” 

“Oh, it has crossed my mind.” Barney nodded.

“You threw a coin in the well near Cashman’s Bar and Grill.” 

Barney squinted.  He did have some recollection of being there with his friend Myron from the office, but most of the memory was clouded and fuzzy due to the tequila.

“You tossed a coin in the well.” Zapper shrugged, “And I live there.” 

“Sorry, there was no occupancy sign.” Barney shrugged.

“Well, you see, I am a magical being.” He smiled in that round face of his. 

“A what?”

“Magical being.” 

“What does that mean?” Barney shook his head to make sure he was not dreaming. 

“It means…” He hesitated, “Do you remember what you wished for?”

“Hey pal, I don’t remember getting home.” Barney was beginning to be irritated by his cheery disposition in light of his current state from his hangover. 

“You wished you could get into the minds of those running the show.” He chuckled, “I believe those were your exact words.” 

Barney closed his eyes, but he could not remember what he had said when he tossed the coin into the well.

If we had last quarter's figures, I could make better sense of what’s going on.

“Since I am magical, I granted your wish.” Zapper was now standing next to Barney at the sink, something that made Barney even more unsettled. “You will be able to read the minds of those who are ‘running the show.’” 

“So, I’m going to hear snippets of-” 

“No, Barney you are going to hear the whole megillah.” Zapper said as he checked his reflection in the mirror, “I had this rash on my neck.  Oh good, it looks like it has cleared up.” 

“What if I don’t want to hear the whole megillah?” Barney sniffed.

“Too late.  You toss a coin in my hovel and I have to respond to your wish.” He shook his head as Barney noticed he was substantially shorter than he was.  “It’s in the rules.” 

“What rules?” Barney squawked.

“Magical Beings.” He held up a thick tome and handed it to Barney.  Taking it from him, Barney nearly dropped the book due to its weight. On the cover in big bold gold letters was the title, The Rules of Magical Beings.

“Look pal, last night I was feeling sorry for myself after taking a demotion at Miller & Salvolenti where I work as a junior partner, but no matter what I do, it’s never good enough.” Barney ran a comb through his dark hair, making sure to comb over the bald spot that was beginning to develop. 

“Pity.” Zap shrugged. 

“It is.” Barney snapped, “I work my tail off, but are they ever satisfied? No siree.” 

“Hmpt, seems like that’s why you made your wish.” 

“A wish I wish to take back.  I was inebriated and in a very bad mood.  I can not be responsible for my words.” He resumed grooming his thinning hair. 

“Wouldn’t you like to read the minds of those who hold your fate right in their hands?” 

Barney considered the possibilities for a moment, “I’m not sure I would want to know.”

“But what if you could?” His smile ran the entire length of his face or so it seemed. 

The business law office of Miller & Salvolenti was located on the forty-third floor of the recently constructed Zenith Tower. It could be a tedious ride in the elevator depending on the human traffic throughout the building.

This morning on his ride up, Barney heard the thoughts of his boss and a new client who was looking for legal ways to diversify his company.  

We have several properties you may be interested in, Mr. Maroni…

Excellent.  I knew I came to the right place.

There was a dry laugh from Mr. Bennett Salvolenti, senior partner and one of Barney’s greatest obstacles on his advancement up the company ladder. 

“Good morning, Mr. Jackson.” Jenny greeted him as the elevator doors opened.

“Jenny,” He nodded thinking ‘sweet girl’ as he passed her desk. 

“Mr. Miller would like a word with you, Mr. Jackson.” She smiled at him.

“Thank you.” He nodded as he navigated the cubicles until he arrived at his place where he put his bag down on his desk.

Don’t be a putz, Jackson…

Oh God, what had he done now that offended the gods?

He made haste to Owen Miller’s office at the end of the hallway.  Owen had inherited the firm when his father “The Old Man” retired last year.  Owen was a few years younger than Barney and often acted like a spoiled brat during staff meetings when he did not get his way.  

Arriving at the closed door, Barney hesitated before knocking.

There comes a time, Barney, when a person’s uselessness becomes a prime factor…

“Remember, Barney, you have power now.  Use it.” It was Zapper’s voice.

Barney knocked at the door.

“Come on in, Barney.” Owen’s voice sounded.  Barney did as requested.

“Ah there’s Barney.” He was smiling.  Barney wanted to check to make sure there wasn’t another Barney behind him.  There wasn’t. He walked in.

“Just the man I wanted to see.” Owen stood up and pointed to the empty chair in front of his desk, “Please have a seat.”

“What’s up?” Barney was confused.

“Well, I needed to tell you something.” Owen’s face became stern, “I wanted to give you a raise.” 

“A raise?” Barney was flabbergasted. 

“Sure, sure.  It’s long overdue.” He slapped Barney on the shoulder.

The world had gotten strange since Zapper had entered into it.  Barney was able to easily read the thoughts of others and with his newly acquired talent had learned those he thought were enemies were actually allies and vice versa. He was glad that Myron was on his side and always had been, but he wanted to know if Jenny was.  Try as he might, he could not seem to read her thoughts like the others. 

“So how did it go?” Zapper asked as he sipped his Shirley Temple on the rocks at Cashman’s Bar and Grill.

“It’s crazy.” Barney shook his head as he sipped his gin and tonic.

“It always is when you get the gift.” Zapper shrugged, “It was planned that people should not read each other’s thoughts, but I objected and said it would make everything so much more interesting.”

“I think it does.” Barney agreed, “It really does.” 

“I must warn you that misusing this gift can backfire.” He put his hand up for another round. 

“Yeah, how so?” Barney did the same and the bartender nodded. “Oh my, he’s tired.  He’s had a long day.” 

“Who?” Zapper asked.

“Tim  the bartender.” Barney nodded toward the bartender.

“Be careful.” Zapper smiled, “There are some people you are better off not knowing what they’re thinking.” 

“Like Tim?” 

“No, not Tim unless he forms an idea to murder you.” 

“Why would he think that, Zap?” 

“Because I’ve been on the job for a few millennia and I’ve seen how badly this can go if you let it.” Zapper warned. 

“I don’t see how.” 

“Trust me, Barney.” Zapper sipped through the little straw in his drink. “And remember, there are others who possess this gift.” 

“Like who?” Barney turned to Zapper.

“I cannot divulge that information, I’m afraid." Zapper took another sip.

By the end of the month, Barney had been promoted twice and was now in the position of executive junior partner, a position that did not exist until he was promoted into it.  Barney became so well established, a local newspaper took notice and put his story on the front page proclaiming in a bold headline, “Man with the Golden Touch.” But despite all of the fame that had suddenly come his way, Barney found Jenny an enigma.

Jenny Feltner was a couple of years younger than Barney, highly attractive and yet try as he might, he could not read her mind.  He wanted to.  Oh, how he wanted to, so he could ask her out on a date.  While he knew little about Jenny’s private life, Barney was pretty sure she was neither married or engaged.  Her auburn hair and tinted green eyes nearly drove Barney crazy, but no matter how Barney boasted to all about his most recent promotion, she did not seem impressed by his good fortune.  

“So Zap, what do I have to do to get Jenny’s attention?” Barney asked his new friend the next night at Cashman’s Bar and Gril.

“Whoa, whoa, that’s not my department.” He shook his head. “If you want to start seeing her, well that’s on you.” 

“All my life I have been a complete zero with the ladies.” He bowed his head, “There is something about me that drives them away.” 

“I dunno.” He held out his hands, “It’s a chemical thing and I flunked chemistry.”

“Why can’t I read her mind?” Barney sighed.

“I told you at the beginning, you won’t be able to read everyone’s mind.” 

“You never told me that.” Barney scowled. 

“You might want to check your contract that we signed.” Zap jabbed his finger into the old fashion wooden bar that made Cashman’s a popular watering hole. “Love defies thought and logic. In other words it’s a crapshoot and I don’t work that side of the street.” 

“So what do I do?” Barney seemed lost as he sat there flicking discarded peanut shells with his finger.  

“Beats me, Barn.” Zapper held out his arms again, “I’d take my chances.  What’s the worst that can happen?”

“She’ll say no.” 

“So, then at least you will know.” Zapper said with a lackadaisical shrug. 

The next morning, Barney made it a point to saunter over by Jenny’s desk.

“Oh hi Mr. Jackson, congratulations on your recent promotion.” She smiled as Barney’s knees went weak.

“Miss Feltner, I thank you.” Barney said gallantly with a half bow. 

The guy is an idiot.  It was Mr. Bennett Salvolenti thoughts.  He needs to disappear.

“Disappear?  Who was he thinking about?” Barney thought to himself trying not to panic.  Jenny looked up and smiled at him.  

It was now or never.

“Jenny…I was wondering…”

“Yes Mr. Jackson.” She smiled again.  His heart was pounding.

If he were to suddenly disappear, would anyone really notice?  I’ll bet even the police would be glad he was gone.  I used to know someone who could make an unwanted someone disappear.  I think I have his number in my rolodex.

“Disappear?” Barney gasped out loud.

“Who is supposed to disappear, Mr. Jackson?” Jenny looked confused.

“No, no, I was just thinking out loud.” Barney tried to smile, but under the circumstances of the moment it was a difficult thing to do. 

This guy has been a thorn in my side for a long, long time.  It’s time to take action.

“Jenny, I am so sorry, but I will have to leave.” Barney saw the elevator door open and made a lunge for it before it closed.  Once gone, Mr. Bennett Salvolenti strode out of his office.

“Miss Felton, have you seen Mr. Jackson.” Bennett asked.

“He just went down the elevator.” She reported, “Acting quite strangely, I might add.” 

“Hmpt, strange.” Bennett shrugged, “I was going to have him cover a case in court I have this afternoon.  I have some urgent business to attend to.” 

Somewhat befuddled, he walked back into his office to place an urgent call.

“You did what?” Zapper laughed.

“He was thinking about doing me in.” Barney leaned on Zapper’s wishing well. 

“Mr. Bennett Salvolenti was thinking about doing me in.” Barney replied.

“Are you sure he was talking about you?” Zapper smiled.

“Pretty sure.” Barney shrugged.

“What are you going to do?”

“I was thinking about a nice vacation in the islands.” Barney shrugged.

“I think I could use a nice break.  It’s been a while.” Zap nodded.  He waved his arms and they both were standing on a deserted tropical island.  Barney smiled as he sat in the warm sand.

“Pass the suntan lotion.” He put his hands behind his head as he let the sun bake him. 

What was wrong with Barney?  I was so sure he was going to ask me out on a date.  He ran out of there like he saw a ghost.  I never once let on that I could read his thoughts.  That will always be my private secret.