Cat Got Your Tongue

“Hey.”

“Hey yourself.”

“No, I got you something.”

“Okay.. And why?”

“Because I just think you’re pretty neat.”

“No, I mean why.”

“That is the reason.”

“But I’m not ‘pretty neat’.” 

“That’s my opinion, and I’m entitled to it.”

“Someone is in a bad mood.”

“How am I in a bad mood?”

“What, you want me to play nice just because you got me something that you refuse to even tell me about? It must not be so great since you seem so embarrassed about it.”

“That isn’t why. I just don’t think that your mom would like it.”

“What is that supposed to mean.”

“It’s supposed to mean that she’d have a bad reaction to it.”

“I told you, I have a boyfriend. Stop referring to your feelings like that, no matter how strong they are. It creeps me out dude.”

“Before I go on, I would like to confirm with you that I’ve fallen for you over and over again.”

“Again, I don’t see how this is my problem.”

“You’re so cold, always getting out of things by assigning them people. But I know you love me deep down.”

“You’re a weirdo.”

“So you do like me.”

“No, I just think you’re a weirdo.”

“Well that’s disappointing.”

“Life is full of disappointments. And surprises. Speaking of surprises, what did you get me?”

“N-n-nothing.”

“If it’s nothing, then what are we talking about?”

“You and I. The future.”

“Ew. EW. No. You didn’t even just say that.”

“Say what?”

“I would NEVER have a baby with you?”

“Where did THAT come from?”

“It came from you, your mouth, and your stupid mystery. If it was really nothing, then I have a dentist appointment to make, and I’ve already wasted ten minutes. If it really is nothing, then I don’t get why your hands would be behind your back.”

“I just feel shy.”

“Well, good for you. Nice to know that. Not sure what else you’d like me to do.”

“I’m sorry you’re going to miss your dentist appointment.”

“Who said I’m missing that appointment? I’m getting my braces off. Goodbye.”

“No. Wait. Please don’t leave.”

“I can leave if I want to. Out of my way.”

“But I really do have something that I wanna give to you.”

“If you say that it’s your heart, then I will seriously puke.”

“Yes. I mean, no! Of course not. I mean, it is like that. But I don’t want to make you puke.

“Yuck. Too late.”

“That’s not what I meant to do.”

“Well, you did it anyway.”

“This gift… I think that you’re gonna love it. It’s really super duper special.”

“Special, huh? Special enough to not show it to the person you’re giving it to?”

“Yes. You see, you know what.. What I said about your mom not liking what’s about to happen?”

“Oh please no.”

“Because your dad isn’t gonna like it either. But I know that you will.”

“That’s a lie, and get out of my way.”

“But I really feel like I need to show this to you. I want to know that you’ll like it. Actually, after it happens, I know that you’ll like it, but-”

“You’re gross, get out.”

“You’ll love it! I know it!”

“Then what is it?”

“Omg.”

“Yeah.”

“A cat. You got me a cat.”

“I told you that you’d love it.”

“My parents are allergic to cats. You’re so stupid.”

“All you’ve done to me is insult me. Can’t you say something nice?”

“Okay. To show you that I appreciate this gift, I will give you your cat back.”

“Wait no. It shouldn’t work like that.”

“I don’t want this cat.”

“But this cat is so cute. Seriously.”

“I don’t care that it’s cute. My family is allergic to cats, so I’m giving it back.”

“You can’t do that.”

“Yes I can.”

“But this cat..”

“It’s a cat. It’s cute. And you stole it. Move on.”

“The reason why I couldn’t tell you…”

“Won’t you stop doing that annoying pause thing when you talk?”

“I stole it. Now the cops are after me.”

“For a cat?”

“I tried to dump it in the street, but the police saw me do it, so now I’ll be in jail for six months.”

“You monster.”

“I just wanted to tell you that I love you. And I really think that you should take this cat.”

“I’m not accepting your shoplifted cat! Who do you take me for?”

“A beautiful woman with a generous heart who helps those in need.”

“A beautiful woman who has a dentist appointment to catch, and no time whatsoever to waste with you.”

“But I can make you happy. I really can.”

“I am so sick of this. You know where you’d make me happy? In jail. Eating cat food.”

“That’s cold.”

“I don’t care.”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t.”

“That’s rough.”

“It is.”

“Miss, I’d like to ask you about your cavities.”

“Mine? Oh, I eat healthy. I promise.”

“Oh really? The x-ray doesn’t back you up. Aren’t you a little too old to be eating so much candy? There’s taffy stuck to your metal bars.”

“I tried to get it off, but it’s just so sticky.”

“Looks like you’re in a sticky situation. Let me call your mom.”

“You can’t do that! I’m fourteen!”

“I can do whatever I like, young lady. It’s my job. And one day when you’ll want to be a dentist and a snotty nosed brat will try to tell you what to do, you’ll think differently about how to talk to adults.”

“That’s fair.”

“So I can’t take the braces off.”

“Ugh. I’m so mad at her. Out of all the things she could eat…”

“I know. And I’m sorry.”

“This is going to cost me thousands of dollars. That’s not even the beginning of it. And… Hey doctor? Do you allow.. Cats… Inside of your office?”

“Strictly speaking, I’m allergic to cats. Why?”

“Because.. Oh no! A ruffian is kissing my daughter! And he’s holding a cat! And my heart condition is flaring up! Goodbye..”

“Ma’am…. Ma’am! Please stand if you can… I guess you’re out.”