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“Hey.”
“Hey yourself.”
“No, I got you something.”
“Okay.. And why?”
“Because I just think you’re pretty neat.”
“No, I mean why.”
“That is the reason.”
“But I’m not ‘pretty neat’.”
“That’s my opinion, and I’m entitled to it.”
“Someone is in a bad mood.”
“How am I in a bad mood?”
“What, you want me to play nice just because you got me something that you refuse to even tell me about? It must not be so great since you seem so embarrassed about it.”
“That isn’t why. I just don’t think that your mom would like it.”
“What is that supposed to mean.”
“It’s supposed to mean that she’d have a bad reaction to it.”
“I told you, I have a boyfriend. Stop referring to your feelings like that, no matter how strong they are. It creeps me out dude.”
“Before I go on, I would like to confirm with you that I’ve fallen for you over and over again.”
“Again, I don’t see how this is my problem.”
“You’re so cold, always getting out of things by assigning them people. But I know you love me deep down.”
“You’re a weirdo.”
“So you do like me.”
“No, I just think you’re a weirdo.”
“Well that’s disappointing.”
“Life is full of disappointments. And surprises. Speaking of surprises, what did you get me?”
“N-n-nothing.”
“If it’s nothing, then what are we talking about?”
“You and I. The future.”
“Ew. EW. No. You didn’t even just say that.”
“Say what?”
“I would NEVER have a baby with you?”
“Where did THAT come from?”
“It came from you, your mouth, and your stupid mystery. If it was really nothing, then I have a dentist appointment to make, and I’ve already wasted ten minutes. If it really is nothing, then I don’t get why your hands would be behind your back.”
“I just feel shy.”
“Well, good for you. Nice to know that. Not sure what else you’d like me to do.”
“I’m sorry you’re going to miss your dentist appointment.”
“Who said I’m missing that appointment? I’m getting my braces off. Goodbye.”
“No. Wait. Please don’t leave.”
“I can leave if I want to. Out of my way.”
“But I really do have something that I wanna give to you.”
“If you say that it’s your heart, then I will seriously puke.”
“Yes. I mean, no! Of course not. I mean, it is like that. But I don’t want to make you puke.
“Yuck. Too late.”
“That’s not what I meant to do.”
“Well, you did it anyway.”
“This gift… I think that you’re gonna love it. It’s really super duper special.”
“Special, huh? Special enough to not show it to the person you’re giving it to?”
“Yes. You see, you know what.. What I said about your mom not liking what’s about to happen?”
“Oh please no.”
“Because your dad isn’t gonna like it either. But I know that you will.”
“That’s a lie, and get out of my way.”
“But I really feel like I need to show this to you. I want to know that you’ll like it. Actually, after it happens, I know that you’ll like it, but-”
“You’re gross, get out.”
“You’ll love it! I know it!”
“Then what is it?”
“Omg.”
“Yeah.”
“A cat. You got me a cat.”
“I told you that you’d love it.”
“My parents are allergic to cats. You’re so stupid.”
“All you’ve done to me is insult me. Can’t you say something nice?”
“Okay. To show you that I appreciate this gift, I will give you your cat back.”
“Wait no. It shouldn’t work like that.”
“I don’t want this cat.”
“But this cat is so cute. Seriously.”
“I don’t care that it’s cute. My family is allergic to cats, so I’m giving it back.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Yes I can.”
“But this cat..”
“It’s a cat. It’s cute. And you stole it. Move on.”
“The reason why I couldn’t tell you…”
“Won’t you stop doing that annoying pause thing when you talk?”
“I stole it. Now the cops are after me.”
“For a cat?”
“I tried to dump it in the street, but the police saw me do it, so now I’ll be in jail for six months.”
“You monster.”
“I just wanted to tell you that I love you. And I really think that you should take this cat.”
“I’m not accepting your shoplifted cat! Who do you take me for?”
“A beautiful woman with a generous heart who helps those in need.”
“A beautiful woman who has a dentist appointment to catch, and no time whatsoever to waste with you.”
“But I can make you happy. I really can.”
“I am so sick of this. You know where you’d make me happy? In jail. Eating cat food.”
“That’s cold.”
“I don’t care.”
“You don’t?”
“I don’t.”
“That’s rough.”
“It is.”
“Miss, I’d like to ask you about your cavities.”
“Mine? Oh, I eat healthy. I promise.”
“Oh really? The x-ray doesn’t back you up. Aren’t you a little too old to be eating so much candy? There’s taffy stuck to your metal bars.”
“I tried to get it off, but it’s just so sticky.”
“Looks like you’re in a sticky situation. Let me call your mom.”
“You can’t do that! I’m fourteen!”
“I can do whatever I like, young lady. It’s my job. And one day when you’ll want to be a dentist and a snotty nosed brat will try to tell you what to do, you’ll think differently about how to talk to adults.”
“That’s fair.”
“So I can’t take the braces off.”
“Ugh. I’m so mad at her. Out of all the things she could eat…”
“I know. And I’m sorry.”
“This is going to cost me thousands of dollars. That’s not even the beginning of it. And… Hey doctor? Do you allow.. Cats… Inside of your office?”
“Strictly speaking, I’m allergic to cats. Why?”
“Because.. Oh no! A ruffian is kissing my daughter! And he’s holding a cat! And my heart condition is flaring up! Goodbye..”
“Ma’am…. Ma’am! Please stand if you can… I guess you’re out.”
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Hello there Ashley! I am so glad to have found your profile! I am from the critique circle (well, come to think of it...not really 'from' but I was actually 'sent' to your profile from the critique circle) and I just wanna say that this was a very good submission as your second one, and I am actually very glad that I had a chance to read some of your stories you have published in your profile!
In my critique, I will be explaining the three things that I really loved about your story which caught my attention, and I will be explaining the critique parts. It will be separated into two categories, actually, the first one will be my Subjective Critique and the other one will be my Objective Critique I have for this story. So that was just a quick heads-up about my comment. Without further ado, let's get this critique started!
WHAT I LOVED ABOUT YOUR STORY:
1. One of the first things I really enjoyed about this story and made me very interested in your story is actually none other than your awesome and hooking title. I think that a title is one of the most persuasive things about any book, story, T.V. show, movies, etc. So the way your title was at first was a bit intriguing and interesting, and at the end readers can understand about the cat as a gift, so really liked that Ashley!
2. Something else that caught by attention in a good way is the way you added a little bit of humor into your story, even when something terrible was happening to the mother. She saw a 'ruffian' (great use of the word btw) and the way she says 'Goodbye' as in like she's passing out is very funny, and describes the way the mother is actually feeling in that current moment. So yeah, that was another part of the story I really enjoyed reading.
3. Lastly, (though definitely NOT the least) I think that the way you structured the unnamed boy character's personality (or the ruffian) is actually very humorous and nice! I love the way he keeps on trying to get her attention and her love, and the different ways he does this and tries to do it is actually very entertaining for the readers, so I think that this is a very great job of using character traits and personalities in your characters!
WARNING: *** YES, I AM FULLY AWARE THAT YOU CANNOT EDIT YOUR STORY ONCE THE CONTEST HAS BEEN ENDED, AND THAT YOU CANNOT FIX ANY MISTAKES AFTER SUBMITTING THE STORY. BUT PLEASE BE NOTIFIED THAT I REALLY WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME SUGGESTIONS AND FEEDBACK FOR THIS STORY TO (HOPEFULLY) HELP YOU BECOME A BETTER AUTHOR AND A BETTER WRITER IN GENERAL.***
OBJECTIVE CRITIQUE:
1. Whenever you are using ellipsis to give a pause into your dialogue, please do make sure that either way you write the next word, meaning with space or no space, do make sure that the word isn't capitalized. Make the word as if it was continuing the sentence all together for the reader to not get confused. Sometimes the reader might think that you have started a new sentence, and to avoid that to occur, here are some ways you can change your sentences!
What you wrote: "“This is going to cost me thousands of dollars. That’s not even the beginning of it. And… Hey doctor? Do you allow... Cats… Inside of your office?”"
First correct way: "“This is going to cost me thousands of dollars. That’s not even the beginning of it. And… hey doctor? Do you allow... cats… inside of your office?”"
Second correct way: "“This is going to cost me thousands of dollars. That’s not even the beginning of it. And…hey doctor? Do you allow...cats…inside of your office?”"
2. There was one sentence which I found was pretty confusing to me in general. Maybe it was the way you phrased the sentence, or maybe it was the way the words came out to be in the sentence...I don't really know what you exactly meant for that sentence, but either way, I feel like there some grammatical error in it, and even if you meant something else, I will still just put it in this comment as one of my critiques about this story.
What your sentence was: "“You’re so cold, always getting out of things by assigning them people. But I know you love me deep down.”"
How I would rephrase this sentence: "“You’re so cold, always getting out of things by procrastinating, or not doing them. But I know you love me deep down.”"
Please do tell me if my understanding of your sentence matched the way you wanted your sentence to be!!
3. The only last thing I noticed in your story (as it goes for the Objective Feedback category) is about one word in one of your sentences. I know what you actually meant to say, and what you implied in that sentence, but the way you made that word into a different part of speech didn't really make sense in that sentence. I might be a little quirky about this one, but either way I'm just going to list the sentence down below.
Your sentence: "“Mine? Oh, I eat healthy. I promise.”"
The correct way: "“Mine? Oh, I eat healthily. I promise.”"
The word that kind of threw me off a bit was 'healthy'...but that's all there is for this category of critiques!
SUBJECTIVE CRITIQUE:
1. One thing I noticed in your story is that all the characters in your story (meaning the fourteen-year-old girl, the cat thief boy, the doctor, and the mother) don't really have any names or anything like that. They are kind of like unnamed characters. So, in my stories, some of them do have characters which are not named. But this prompt was supposed to be exclusively through dialogue, so I do think that adding some character names would have made the story more lively.
2. This second point is something I agree with the person who commented below (Michael) about your rocky transitions between the girl and boy conversation, to the dentist and the girl conversation, and then again to the dentist and mother conversation. It was kind of hard to understand the flow, and I had to reread a bunch of times to understand the scene and character changes. So denoting some symbol during those parts would have made your story so much better.
3. Lastly, the only other thing I found in your story is that I didn't really understand how this boy had seen this fourteen-year-old girl. Just a second ago, in the scene before, this girl didn't want the dentist to call her mother, and then suddenly the mother sees this boy with her. But my question is was the dentist on the phone with her, or was she actually inside the dental room? That is the only part I didn't really understand...the rest of the story was amazing!
Ashley, it is actually time I wound up this long critique comment, but I just want to say that I am so glad I clicked on your story and on your profile in the 'Critique Circle' and I am so happy that I got to meet a new person in Reedsy! I will surely check out all your stories later, but this one was honestly an exceptional piece! I loved the way the entire story was formatted and how it all tied up in general. I hope you have a great day! :)
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I love the quick fire dialogue. I mean this in the best way possible, but parts of it reminded me of the snappy dialogue from Gilmore Girls. Very strong beginning to the story.
However, toward the end things get confusing. Suddenly the main character is talking to the dentist, then the dentist to the mom? Added some sort of symbol (*** ### etc..) between scenes would have made your narrative much clearer.
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