The Convolution Revolution

In a dingy, dark studio on the outskirts of Western Sydney, a mad genius is at work…

“Cut” echoes through Tempeh productions as director Jim Jackson walks towards his actors. At the helm of the popular Australia TV show ‘Second Chances’, Jim is busy manufacturing what he is hoping to be one of the highest rated TV episodes of all time. The faux reality show aims to ‘reconnect’ husbands and wives who have been divorced for at least 1 year, with the hopes of rekindling a lost love.

However, the entire show is fake, and Jackson has been hiring actors to portray ‘former couples’. The formula has been successful, and he has won two consecutive Logies for best reality TV series. However, his bubble is about to burst, and he is about to get exposed. 

As he talks to Rhonda and Jamie, a fake couple who is scheduled to appear in the series finale, a 3 man production crew burst through the doors, accompanying an all too familiar face to Australians from all across the Western suburbs, to confront Jim,

“Jim, why have you been defrauding the Aussie public for years, people have the right to know.” Jim turns to his left, and to his shock, A Current Affairs’ chief correspondent Ben Arnolt aggressively questions the director. With two cameras’ in his face, and a boom mic occasionally grazing his hair, he has been accosted,

“Mate, Aussies need to know the truth, just tell the truth.” Ben continues his line of questioning like the persistent pain in the arse he has been renowned for.

“Mate, if you’re not Tracey Grimshaw, I don’t wanna know about you,” snaps Jim as he tries to ignore Arnolt. However, this is a futile effort as Arnolt proceeds to question him further,

“Why have you been lying about Second Chances, you haven’t been salvaging the dying embers of love, you’ve been ripping people off. Don’t you think the Australian public deserves answers?” Jamie, whose real name is Timothy Perrier, takes this moment to sarcastically quip,

“Mate, the only people watching A Current Affair are single housewives in Penrith with extensive magazine clippings of mediocre Aussie celebrities.”

“That’s not true,” says Ben, to which Jamie retorts,

“You know half the people watching have an extensive catalogue of Kylie Geddes clippings from Mamma Mia and Woman’s Day magazines.” At this moment, Jim tries to regain control of the situation, so he steps forward and states,

“We can all get along here if we get on the same page. Benny, No, we are fostering true love here,”

“Doesn’t look like it.”

“Enough, let me finish… We don’t want any trouble, so if I could point out that camera over there…” Ben looks towards a random camera, wondering why he is having his attention drawn towards this random camera. His wonder is quickly put to rest, along with his life, as Jim Jackson takes this moment to pull out a gun and shoot him in the back off his head, killing him and sending the camera men running.

Rhonda, whose real name really is Rhonda, screams in horror as her white wedding dress quickly turns crimson. Jamie grabs ahold of her, watching on in horror as Jim guns down the two cameramen and boom operator that were accompanying Ben Arnolt. A man with a reputation of being a ruthless director, he has just lived up to said reputation in the bloodiest and seemingly pointless manner possible.

As the gun smoke settles, Jim turns back to the petrified actors and begins to reassure them.

“Listen gang, don’t worry about them. Their brief moment of unimaginable agony has turned to a infinite, relaxing darkness, hopefully accompanied by the smooth, dulcet tones of a nice jazz orchestra.” The two actors are too afraid to speak, wondering if they’re next. The production team are in a similar state, all mortified…except for Gus. The bald intern fresh out of high school looks at his mentor Jim, a man he has idolized since his childhood, and says, 

“Boss, are you thinking about what I’m thinking,” 

“If you’re thinking about drowning your sorrows in whiskey, rum and vodka, then yes.”

“No, no, no.” he replies, before walking forward, putting both arms around the shoulders of each actor, and proclaiming, “I’m thinking about making some bloody history, no pun intended of course.” Gus and Jim look at both actors, laughing manically. What are these two sociopaths thinking?

4 Months Later

“Honey please, don’t you see? I need you, I care for you, I appreciate you. I’m willing to kill for you. This is my declaration; I love you.”

“I love you too boomkins!” With tears streaming done their faces like sap out of an Amazonian tree, Rhonda and Jamie jump into each other’s arms, embracing lovingly as ‘Horses’ plays in the background. This ceremonial moment is quickly cut away from, as a captivated audience for Studio 10 are shown crying. Sarah Harris, Joe Hildebrand and Angela Bishop are inconsolably crying into each others arms. Rhonda, Jim and Jamie have joined them on the panel to discuss the series finale of ‘Second Chances’ which has been such a monumental hit, that people have emigrated to Australia specifically to add to the rating breakdown of the show. With 13 million Aussies glued to their screens to watch the finale, their live altering and life ending decision clearly paid off.

“So guys, how did you get off an aggravated murder charge?” Asks Hildebrand, nervously smiling in awe of Jamie and Rhonda. 

“Well…Hold on.” Jamie stops what he’s saying, looks towards Rhonda, and gives her one of the most passionate kisses he’s ever given her. This is all going according to plan, and the mad vision of Gus and Jim is reaping incredible benefits for all involved.

According to the program, the slain Current Affairs reporter was trying to sabotage their love, as Ben and Jamie had ‘partaken’ in a saucy love affair after Jamie had questioned his sexuality. Bitter, Ben was determined to end Jamie once and for all. Jamie would remain unflappable however, foiling Ben’s plot and rekindling his love for Rhonda once and for all. 

“Sorry Joe, well, the police said that they didn’t want to get in the way of love, so they stepped aside and let out love blossom.” A collective ‘aw’ rings through the geriatric crowd of studio 10, ignorant to the truth behind this story. Little did anyone know that the truth would soon be revealed.

1 Month Later

“So, you’re saying that Ben Arnolt was murdered by Jim Jackson?” asks Karl Stefanovic, speaking to a very unlikely source.

“Yes, Jim Jackson murdered Ben Arnolt and several team members.” Gus, the loyal intern who had devised the idea to exploit Arnolt’s death for the show’s storyline, had decided to reveal the truth behind his death. What had made Ben decide to confess to what really happen was a mystery to all, especially Jim Jackson.

“That slimy little degenerate son of a bitch, listen Glenda, this is why you thoroughly vet anyone who we put on as an intern, you won’t trust any of these slimy pricks.” An Irate Jim proceeds to fling a stapler out of a window, his success seemingly whisked away into a small, padded cell that he will presumably occupy. Jim had been revealed as the true murderer of Ben Arnolt, and Australia was pissed.

Storming around his office, he has a million ideas racing through his head. Does he kill himself; does he disappear to Mexico? does he hand himself in?He doesn’t know what to do.

However, he mustn’t wonder long, as the answer to his question comes quickly, and through the most unlikely source. The phone rings…

“Hello Jim? It’s Gus…”

2 Days Later

“It will be the highest rated program ever recorded on global television.” Says Gus and he meets with Jim in a small bar in Cobar, the one place in Australia more disconnected from the outside world, in may different respects.

“Mate, I’m probably going to gaol for the rest of my life because of you, I’m not really that interested in doing business with you.” Jim, wearing a disguise that makes him look like David Koch, is understandably weary, Gus’ betrayal still as fresh as a staph infection.

“Look, I just need you to follow my lead. Do you trust me.”

“Well no mate, you just revealed to the whole of fucking Australia that I’m a murderer, and you think I want to trust you>”

“Who else are you going to trust to clear you’re name?” Jim is stumped, he can’t think of anyone.

“Listen, here is my plan…”

7 Days later

“Well Sam, let me tell you, if I were the Prime Minister, I’d be having a Barbie every Sunday, a snag would settle my stress.” David Koch and Samantha Armitage laugh on Sunrise, as they prepare to through over to the Morning Show crew. However, at that moment, the window behind them burst, and to the shock of millions, Gus and Jim burst through the window, seemingly bloodied and concussed.

Kochie and Sam quickly race off set, leaving all of Australia to watch on as Gus and Jim prepare their monologue, one that has been carefully constructed,

“Don’t you see? Look, I love you, I care for you, and my self-destructive personality and my inability to find any meaning in my life, well it’s a lesion that I cannot rid myself of. You are the antibody Jim, I need you.”

“But, but you’ve ruined my life, you’ve taken everything from me.”

“No, I haven’t taken everything, I haven’t taken your soft, tender kiss. I haven’t taken the way you buy me presents. I haven’t taken your ability to care, and nurture me. That’s what matters.”

“Oh Gus, I can’t stay mad at you, I’m mad at Rhonda, for callously murdering poor Ben Arnolt. We know”

“Jim, I love you.”

“I love you too Gussy.” Jim and Gus kiss, millions of Australian’s flicking to Sunrise to see the controversial duo make up. While they didn’t know that the two were an ‘item’, Australians are pleased for the two, rekindling their relationship and providing a brilliant advertisement for the 9th season of ‘Second Chances’

2 Weeks Later

The culmination of Gus’ plan has arrived. Gus and Jim have orchestrated a wedding on George Street, expected to be watched my billions from across the globe, to promote season 9 of ‘Second Chances’. With Rhonda having recently been arrested for the murder of Ben Arnolt, everything is going according to plan. With production for the show expected to start within the next two weeks, this charade is the perfect way to toast to their success.

With Aussie Icon Scott Cam officiating the wedding, Jim watches on and Gus, wearing an extravagant white dress, walks down the aisle. In a way, Jim really does love Gus, or at the very least he loves the money that Gus is making him. 

However, as Gus is about to step onto the stairs, Jamie emerges from the crowd and shoots Gus in the back of the head, killing him. Securities guards rush forth to secure him as the crowd scatters. Jim rushes to Gus, but as she is being dragged away, he realises that he could play this up for the ratings.

“Why!” he screams, resembling a young Nancy Kerrigan.

“Because you’ve ruined my life. My wife divorced me once he saw Second Chances, because she thought Ben Arnolt really was killed by Rhonda. HE WAS HIS FAVOURITE CELEBRITY, and I lost her because of you.” The security guard holding him back, a heavyset Maori named Jo, interjects, asking,

“Wait, who killed Ben?” The two proceed to play a back and forth blame game,

“Jim,”

“Rhonda,”

“Jim,”

“Jamie,” This continues for about 10 more seconds, before the two come to a collective realisation. They look at the dead body of Gus, before looking back into the eyes of each other, and simultaneously saying,

“Gus.”

1 Month Later

With a new ‘couple’ looking to rekindle their relationship, Jim watches from his directors chair as the two new people, Mikayla and Arya, look longingly into their eyes, as if they really were in love. With the public now thinking Gus is a sociopath that orchestrated this elaborate and convoluted plot to blackmail poor Jim and murder his obsessive enemy Ben Arnolt, Jim’s crime is forever obscured by the inability of a dead man to defend himself. With Jamie and Rhonda having retired from their acting careers, they’ve both found new careers in business. 

With both actors ready and the three cameras all locked into close ups, Jim gives a wry smile as he confidently yells,

“Action!”

The End…