Lost in Loss

I came running down the stairs wearing my overalls and 1995 Janet Jackson World Tour t-shirt I had gotten last year. I could smell the chicken my mom was frying and couldn’t wait to eat.

“Trick or treating hours are from 5 to 9 pm. Have fun out there and be safe!” the news reporter stated with glee in her witch costume. 

“Well guess you heard that, Cass,” my mom called from the kitchen. “Be home no later than 9:30, and I mean it.”

Cass, my oldest sister, was beautiful and smart. My mom tried her best to keep her focused in her final year of high school, but she would often break the rules but still managed to remain a straight A student.  

“I hear you, ma, gosh,” she rolled her eyes as she headed up the stairs to change into her costume. Last year, my mom insisted she take us with her but she ditched my little brother. So this year, my mom was taking us instead. My dad was nowhere to be found. He used to come and go when we were younger but my mom finally put him out for good a little bit after my thirteenth birthday. He was supposed to come pick me up for ice cream but he never showed up. 

My mom finally emerged from the kitchen, two full plates in hand. Her cocoa brown skin glistened and her thick, natural curls bounced as she walked. “Come to the table, y’all. It’s time to eat.” My brother, Cam, and I didn’t waste any time getting to the kitchen table. “Alright, there is enough for everyone,” she giggled.

We both sat down at the table waiting for my mother and sister to join us. It was normal for Cass to not even come to the table some nights. 

“Cass! Don’t make me come up there and get you.” My brother and I both laughed a little. I really just wanted to eat. Mom had made all of our favorites and my mouth was just salivating looking down at this plate of soul food goodness. I played with the one box braid that seemed to always find its way in front of my face and silently prayed that my sister would hurry up so we could eat. 

“You’re wearing...that?” Cam asked. I looked over at my sister standing there in a revealing police officer’s costume and thigh high black boots. My eyes must’ve been wide because she looked at me and said “Fix your face, Madison,” before sitting in her normal chair at the table. 

“Mom is going to flip,” I said. 

“Flip about what?” my mom said as she came out of the kitchen with two more dinner plates. 

“Her costume,” I replied. My mom put the plates on the table and sat down without so much as a look at Cass. 

“Now, Cass,” she said calmly picking up her fork, “you know better than to think I would let you walk out of the house looking like that.” 

“Mom, I am almost 18. I am literally about to go to college in like seven months.”

“Then you have seven more months of living under my roof and abiding by my rules. And you are not about to go out here in these streets like that.”

“But why does it matter what I am wearing? Jessica’s mom is letting her wear what she wants.”

“Does Jessica’s mom pay these bills? No. I didn’t think so. Now eat, then go change. End of discussion.” 

After dinner, Cam got dressed in his scarecrow costume in my room while I was putting the finishing touches on my Lt. Uhura costume. We both could hear Cass and my mom fussing about what she was wearing and then the front door slammed.

We ran down the stairs grabbing our jack o’lantern-faced candy buckets on the way to the front door. 

“Alright, y’all ready to go?” Mom asked enthusiastically. 

“Yes!” Cam almost screamed. We all headed out the door and hit all the houses on our block. 

It was close to nine when we got back home. After getting inside, dumping out and eating most of our candy and getting ready for bed, it was close to ten. My mom was pacing the floor and I knew she was upset that Cass wasn’t back. 

“Go brush your teeth. Maddy help your brother. It’s time for bed.” Her voice was strained. She took off her shoes and sat on the couch burying her face in her hands. I went over to her before going upstairs. 

“I’m sure she’s fine, mom.” She placed her hand over mine.

“I don’t know, Maddy. I feel like…” Just then, there was a knock at the door. We looked up to see red and blue lights flashing outside. I heard my mom take in a deep breath. Cam stood on the first step of the stairs and looked over at me in fear. My mom slowly made her way to the door and I was right behind her. “Go upstairs, Maddy,” she almost whispered. But I didn’t move. She opened the door and there were two officers on the porch. One took off his hat as my mom opened the screen door. 

“Mrs. Washington?”

“Marshall. My last name...is Marshall. My...my daughter’s last name is Washington.”

“Cassandra Washington?”

“Yes, is..everything...okay?” She was afraid to ask. The officer looked down at me then back up at my mother. I placed my hand on her back and prepared for what he was about to say. 

“Ms. Marshall, we found your daughter...we found your daughter’s body.”

No words came out of my mom’s mouth. She let out this low, guttural moan that almost sounded as if she herself was dying. She fell back and I tried my best to keep her from falling. The officer helped grab her and walked her over to the couch. 

“Ms. Marshall, I am so sorry.” He stood there for a moment waiting for my mom to gain her composure. Cam ran up the stairs and slammed the door to his room. 

“What...happened to her?” my mom mustered. 

“Um, if you could come down to the station, we can disclose more there.” I am sure he didn’t want to go over the details with me sitting there. “Is there anyone who can watch your other children?”

“Yes, yes, my...uh..neighbor. I’ll go call her.” 

Within a few minutes, Mrs. Johnson arrived and my mother left with the officers. Cam and I sat on the couch together and didn’t speak until we heard the car pull back into the driveway. 

When my mom finally got back home, Cam was fast asleep with his arms tightly clutching Ralph. I went downstairs to check on my mom and found her lying on the couch staring up at the ceiling with her hands across her chest. 

“Mom?”

“Yes, Maddy?”

“What happened to Cass?” I asked.

She sat up, walked past me and didn’t say a word. She just went to her room and closed the door behind her. I silently prayed that she would be okay. But the days passed, the funeral passed, months passed and years and she never did go back to her old self. 

The day had finally come for my high school graduation. Sitting at the vanity in my bedroom, looking at the reflection before me. My hair was shorter, I was slimmer, I didn’t look or feel like myself. After we lost Cass, and enduring years of not knowing who took her from us, we all lost pieces of who we were; especially Mom. It was almost as if my mom forgot to be a mother to us. I thought she would come back to Cam and me, but she never did. 

“Hey, Maddy, I gotta run to make. I’ll be late.” Cam stood at six feet and was built like a twenty year old and not a sixteen year old. He had been arrested three times and I found out my dad had him working for him. As much as I wanted to blame my mom for not being there, I also blamed myself. Every time I would pull him out of my dad’s apartment, he’d go right back. I couldn’t save him no matter how hard I tried. So I stopped trying, thinking he’d wise up on his own. I looked at him feeling like a failure. “What is it now, Maddy?” he said, rolling his eyes. “Look, I said I’ll be there, aight?” 

“Okay, not a problem. I believe you.”

“Cool, sis. Did you wake ma?”

“No, there’s no need.” I turned back towards the mirror to hide the tears that were about to fall. “I’ll see you there.”

“Aight. Love ya.”

“Love you, too, Cam.”

 I put on my heels, grabbed my cap and gown from my bed and headed down the stairs before stopping in front of my mom’s door. I wanted to knock but decided against it. I shouldn’t have to make her be my mother, I thought. I picked up my keys from the counter and drove to the high school. 

“Madison!” Awanna waved at me. She and a few other of my friends were standing at the side entrance where Mrs. Radden, our guidance counselor, wanted us to meet before going to the gym for the ceremony. 

“Hey, ya’ll.” Everyone was dressed so nicely and looked so beautiful. Although I worked part time for the past three years helping to keep things afloat at home, I didn’t have enough to get dolled up for today. Cam offered me some money but there was no way I was taking that. I was wearing one of my mom’s old dresses and some heels that Mrs. Johnson let me borrow.  I straightened my hair and put on some lip gloss I had had since the 8th grade. 

“Okay, everyone, quiet down,” Mrs. Radden yelled over the ninety-two seniors that were graduating. “Line up the way we practiced on Tuesday and let’s go ahead and file into the gym.” As we all got into our places and prepared to enter the building, I heard a familiar sound. Cam’s car came flying into the parking lot with the music on a hundred. A small smile came across my face as I walked into the school. 

“Can you believe we are high school graduates?” Awanna nearly screamed it. “Did your mom make it?” she asked. 

“Doesn’t look like it,” I replied scanning the crowd.

“But I did.” I turned around at the sound of Cam’s voice. He hugged me and pulled a bouquet of flowers from behind his back.

“Thanks, Cam!” 

“I wish I had a brother as thoughtful as you,” Awanna said, biting her lips. 

“Girl, you ain’t ready,” Cam responded, jokingly. 

“Okay, ew.” I said with a laugh. “That’s enough, you two.”

“I’m taking you out to eat, what do you want?” Cam asked.

“I think we should go home and check on mom.”

“She doesn’t care about us, Maddy.”

“I’ll catch you at the party tonight, girl.” Awanna placed her hand on my shoulder with worried eyes. She knew just how neglectful my mom had become since we lost Cass. 

“Sounds good, Wanna. See you then.” I smiled at her so she would know I was fine. We parted ways and I followed Cam to the parking lot. 

“Flip for it?” Cam asked as he pulled a quarter from his pocket. We started flipping for what we would eat a lot of nights. Mom stayed up in her room all the time so we usually had to come up with things on our own. 

“Heads, Mama P’s,” I replied.

“Aight, tails we go to that new taco joint.” I rolled my eyes. He flipped the coin and it landed on heads. 

“Yes, now let’s stop by the house first, okay?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s your day, sis. Whatever you want.” We both got in our cars and we drove to the house. 

“Mom!” I climbed the stairs two at a time. “Mom!” I knocked on her door waiting for her to respond. I opened her door expecting to find her drunk or under her covers trying to block the sunlight from her tired eyes. Her bed was made and the room was clean for the first time in three years. I walked towards her bathroom and as I turned the corner I saw her hand laying across the tub and a bottle of pills laying on the floor. I rushed to her lifeless body. Her hair was damp and stuck to her face. There was no color around her eyes or mouth. 

“Cam! Cam! Help! Call 9-1-1!” Cam came rushing up the stairs and into the bathroom. He crouched down next to me yelling, “Mom! Mom, wake up!” He pulled her body up and out of the tub and took her to her bed. I ran to the phone to call an ambulance. The operator walked me through CPR and I relayed everything to Cam. When the paramedics finally arrived, I prayed that God would bring my mother back to me. They took her and we followed them closely all the way to the hospital. “Stay close, Cam!”

“Stop yelling, Maddy! I am driving as fast as I can! Just chill!” When we finally arrived at the hospital, I witnessed them pull the stretcher from the ambulance and a paramedic was pumping my mom’s chest as they wheeled her through the double doors. We waited in the waiting room for what seemed like hours pacing back and forth. 

I could see the doctor walking towards me. I grabbed Cam’s hand. My body went numb preparing myself for what she was about to say. 

“I’m so sorry, we did everything we could.” The words came out of her mouth like a robot, no feeling behind it at all. 

“No, no, no. She...she can’t..die. She’s my mom...she...she.” Cam wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m sorry for your loss. Someone will be out to speak to you.” She turned on her heels and walked away. 

I looked up at Cam, his eyes welled up with tears that wouldn’t fall. I felt the air leave my body but didn’t feel any return. I looked around the room at all of the people going about their business. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but nothing came out, not one single word.

“Let’s sit down, Maddy.”

“I can’t. I want to go home.” 

“We have to wait for someone to come talk to us…”

“I want to go home,” I interjected sternly. 

“Fine, I will take you home then come back. Let me tell the receptionist. Take my keys and wait for me in the car.”

Placing one foot in front of the other, I made my way to Cam’s car. I unlocked the door and sat in the passenger seat and waited. Finally, I saw Cam coming through the automatic doors. 

When he pulled up to the house, I immediately hopped out and ran into the house and up into her room. I looked on her dresser, on the table next to her bed and didn’t see any note. I took in a breath and stepped into the bathroom. Nothing. Why would she do this without leaving a note? I kept walking in circles in her room perplexed that she would think so little of me not to leave me anything; on today of all days. I sat down on her bed and put my head in my hands and started to cry. 

I looked over and saw that her closet door was opened a bit. I stood to my feet, wiped my face and walked over to open the door. There were no clothes only newspaper clippings and documents taped on every inch of the walls inside. They were all about Cass and the things surrounding her death from various suspects to crime scene reports and photos of how Cass was found. 

“She was torturing herself day in and day out for three years.”

“And what about you, Madison? Are you torturing yourself now?” my therapist asked. 

“I thought I left all of that in Cool Springs. But every time a patient comes in, I see Cass, I see my mom, and I see Cam. I failed them.”

“Cam made his own choices. Didn’t you say even after you went to pull him out of your father’s house, he still chose to go back?”

“Yes, but a cop killed my brother. Not some gangbanger.”

“You didn’t fail anyone, Madison. You have to know that you can only control your own actions and not the actions of others.”

“I know that. But I still carry that guilt with me, every day.”

“I want you to go home tonight and write down the things you feel guilty for. Be 100% authentic and honest with yourself. When you are done, read those things aloud. Make it real for yourself. Then rip that paper and get rid of it. Release it.”

“And that is supposed to work?” 

“Try it. You would be surprised,” she responded with a smile. “I will see you in two weeks?”

“See you then.”

The valet pulled around with my white BMW and opened the door for me. “Ma’am.”

“Thank you.”

I made my way through Manhattan traffic to my high rise apartment. Once inside, I took off my heels, pulled out the gun and went out on the terrace. I picked up the notebook I had left on the patio table a few nights before and did just as my therapist told me.

I wrote down every single thing I felt guilt for. I stood and walked over the railing, ripped both pages and let the pieces fall. I was ready to let all of those things go. I was ready to live.