6 comments

Crime Mystery Thriller

    Ever since June 29, 2018 the veil clouding Thomas White Smith eyes seemed to drop. Known as Smithy by all of his friends and girlfriend, Olivia Jones ( Captain of the Varsity Volleyball team ) Thomas was fairly liked by most of the students at Faraday High School. This year seems different. The eyes of people just screamed guilty. Just like the man Thomas Smith wishes he will never see again. 


   ¨Valerie´s clothes have been bleached¨, I almost yelled to Amos Clarke (my best friend). ¨So what?¨ he responds almost irritated. Amos Clarke lived in a house of 10 and rarely got peace and quiet to work on his drawings. Study Hall was his time to work on his dreams. ¨ I don´t know. Does that not bother you?¨ I asks curiously .¨No¨, he said sternly as the bell rang. After school I slowly walked to my ugly Pontiac Firebird which was bright red. I turn around and checked my surroundings before pulling out my phone. I quickly searched up what were the reasons for bleached clothes. None of the answers concluded what I wanted to hear. Angry I left the school parking lot before anyone saw I was leaving. ¨How was school '' answered his slam of the front door. Taking the stairs two at a time I ran to his room and put a Pink Floyd record and plopped on my small bed. 


   When he woke up it had started to rain and he could hear his mom making spaghetti downstairs in their excuse for a kitchen. They had lived in this small house for 14 years. Too long for his taste. ¨ Where is dad¨ , Katie asked. ¨Working late¨, respond Mom almost robotic. My step-dad was Katie's real father. They considered her a ¨surprise baby¨ , whatever the heck that meant. I never like my step-father ,but he was better than the low-lying excuse of a father I had. He left my mother when she was 7 months pregnant with me. After dinner I heard a car pull into the driveway and he walked in. The smell hit me before I saw him. I knew it was going to be a loud night tonight. He never hit her but the fights were awful. I left before he could throw a snide remark at me and went to my room. I took a long shower and took my pills. My mom insisted that I take vitamins with my thyroid medicine.I went to my bed and grabbed my book for English and read my required chapters. With a sigh I put the book down and crossed to my window. The glass fogged from my breath.  


    I then tried to sleep, but like always sleep evaded me. All I could think about that night. The screams repeat over and over. And then he turned to look at me staring right back at him in the entrance of that grimy alley. Him and only him haunt me. At three am I give up trying to sleep and start to think about my sister's appearance tonight. I saw she had hints of makeup on. But she was only 12. Who was she talking to? I walk across the hall only lit by a nightlight in the corner. Opening her door a crack I squeeze my hand through the crack and grab her phone. I briskly walk to my black room and open her phone. A boy by the name of Dean Mateens called her until 1 am. ¨Isn't that Brad´s little brother¨I ask out loud as if anyone would answer. I read through their messages and even then I could tell he was obsessed with her. Just like that man in the alley over that poor girl's body. Could she end up like that girl? Because the obsessed man down the hall from her. No one believed me. Not the police officer , not my mom, not the psychiatrist. No one believed me. I now slowly wait for me and him to be alone and he realizes that it was me who saw the hideous ways he maimed and killed.I wouldn't let that happen. 


       The next day came as slow as time could ever be. I met Brad in the locker room and nearly interrogated him about his little brother. After confirming that he would see what it was about I left confident that I would eventually become considered a danger to society and someone would come and take me away. I looked over my shoulder before walking outside to meet my gorgeous girlfriend at our lunch table . She met me with a hug and kiss that made me float to the clouds. Alec, Han,and Jackson eyed Olivia with hungry eyes and I knew that I would need to protect her with my life. They eventually shot me daggers with their eyes and I knew that Track practice today would end painfully.  


     After lunch I walked past the people I have known since we moved here. I walked past Daisy Parsons who killed her dog. I knew it. It was perfectly healthy I think. I also walked past Sadie Wong, Tony Hawkins , and Russell Hines who convinced a girl to commit suicide.I´m sure I am not the only one who thinks that. School ends early and Track practice cancelled due to strong winds and I race to the police station. Throughout school I heard that they had a new lead in the case I witnessed so I wanted to give them insight. Upon arriving I am meeted by a pudgy woman who looks like she needs a nap. I practically yell at them in my excitement to see my guilty step father in jail. I tell the officer everything I know and tell him about my step father. After leaving I am giddy with excitement. I also learned something new today. Her name was Lacey. She was 21 years old and had one daughter with her boyfriend. I almost feel proud as I leave. I never can trust again. I used to like my step-father but now I am paranoid. But I feel powerful now that I have the upper hand.


November 30, 2020 04:11

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6 comments

Tim Law
01:01 Dec 12, 2020

A great first effort Amelia. Please watch your tenses (past, present, future) as I got the feeling the story was jumpy and disjointed. I agree with the comment from Avery that it is better to show but I also get regular comments on my writing that often I am a teller. Keep writing and reading submissions from other writers, It is all about the passion for storytelling... The skill will come...

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Amelia Lopez
03:55 Dec 14, 2020

Thanks! I appreciate the feedback and plan to move on to another story soon. I will work on the things you mentioned. Have a good night.

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Tim Law
21:04 Dec 15, 2020

I cannot wait to read your next effort 👍

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Avery G.
20:10 Dec 01, 2020

Hi! Thanks for following me!! I decided to check out this story, and it was pretty good!!! I think you'll definitely get better with practice. Just a few thoughts: Maybe try to break up the paragraphs a bit more? It kinda feels chunky, and it might get better if you break it up. Also, you do have a few grammar mistakes, and it might help if you use Grammarly or something like that. If you have Google Docs it also checks your grammar and spelling for you. You also do a bit more of "telling" more than "showing". Try to show more, and exp...

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Amelia Lopez
19:47 Dec 07, 2020

Omg!! Thanks for the feedback. I really need that because I am a young writer doing this for fun! Thanks again.

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Avery G.
20:51 Dec 07, 2020

No problem!!! Yeah, I understand.

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