Excerpt from The Galactic Travel Guide: VOMISA

Excerpt from The Galactic Travel Guide: VOMISA

By Jahn W. Compbell.

Vomisa is a sun with two habitable planets; Nielnieh and Ekralc, though in the case of Ekralc the word ‘habitable’ needs to be taken with a pinch of nilknoc.

Nielnieh orbits Vomisa at a distance of 21 galactic gloms, with a year of seventeen months and a day of sixteen hours (Earth measure). Its gravity is 27 nirpsas and the atmosphere is 17% oxygen, 67% helium (which accounts for the inhabitants sounding very much like gerbils), and 16% carbon dioxide. It is a pleasant ocean world, the land masses consisting of two large continents, one in the northern hemisphere and one in the southern, linked by a series of archipelagos which resemble strings of beads hanging between the two. They exhibit quite a wide range of climates - the islands are temperate and have a variety of life-forms, notable among them the savage hyrrehc of Grebrevlis Island, which is a favourite target of hunters from all over the Galaxy, though the number of hopeful hunters who end up as a meal for the hyrrehc would make the more sedentary of us question why they are so keen. This correspondent was in fact invited on an hyrrehc hunt but declined. Fortunately as it turned out, as the inviter never returned.

Ecnav Island, on the other hand, has no inimical life-forms except the ubiquitous ear-flea; once encountered never forgotten – or recovered from. On this account alone, it is not a popular tourist destination.

The northern continent, Yerled, has a range of climates, from the frigid and dangerous Kamis Mountains close to the pole, to a relatively pleasant southern region, divided from the rest by another extremely high mountain range, known as the Pillars of God. It boasts a variety of cuisines, often highly spiced. The tnemelc of Enoksob is highly recommended, coming in a number of variations, depending on the sub-region one visits, and even from restaurant to restaurant. Each claims that it has the only valid and genuine tnemelc, but all are delicious, though fiery, and I leave it to the discriminating gourmet to decide which he or she prefers. I found the tnemelc of Madame Trebreh of Trebeh’s Restaurant in Niugel was particularly good, and worth putting up with the dirt, poor service and the rudeness of the staff, particularly on the part of Madame Trebreh herself.

Sightseeing on Yerled can be particularly exciting, due to the seasonal hurricanes which are often out of season by as much as six months and can take holidaymakers by surprise, most recently five years ago, when seventeen cruise ships sank with all on board and the cities of Tfarcevol and Ssidla were devastated. These hurricanes develop exceedingly quickly and it is currently impossible to give more than ten minutes’ warning of one appearing. However, in between times Yerled is a very enjoyable place to visit – the scenery is exquisite and the people are, by and large very friendly and accommodating (Madame Trebreh being a notable exception). Local costume is very different from that of Earth – the habit of wearing shoes on the head sometimes causes riotous laughter on the part of tourists. But take warning – this is very much to be discouraged – the natives are proud of their customs and costume, and can take matters into their own hands in a seriously violent way. Many are the tourists who, having unwittingly offended the locals, have been thrown into a full cess pit. Yerled, despite its large size, is a single nation, and is fiercely proud of its traditions.

The southern continent, Drallab, is somewhat smaller than Yerled, and there is a certain rivalry between the two. Drallab is divided into four nations; Retseb, Elggib, Avobneb and Syrdub, which co-exist uneasily. Over the centuries there have been several wars between these nations, alliances often shifting, each suspicious of the others. Currently there is peace between them all, but it is customary to issue travel warnings when pressures between the nations seem to be coming to a head. Unfortunately, warfare can break out with very little notice indeed, and travellers are warned to stay off the streets whenever possible.

The food can only be described as ghastly, at least in the opinion of this correspondent , who has tried a wide variety of what the locals describe as delicacies without ever having found anything remotely edible. Again, each nation boasts that its cuisine is far superior to that of its neighbours, and all denigrate the food of the northern continent. Equally, the local costume of each nation is different from those of the others, and from that of Yerled, and each nation looks askance at that of their neighbours, describing it variously as obscene, boring, bland, tasteless, scandalous, etc. But all agree that their costume is far superior to that of Yerled.

The native animals of Drallab are on the whole harmless, though care needs to be taken with the almost irresistibly cute furry retrac of Retseb, which is parasitic, laying its eggs under the skin of its victims, often of tourists who pick up and cuddle it, and months later get eaten from the inside.

All in all, if proper precautions are taken, Nielnieh is worth a visit. This correspondent has been home for five months now, and the rash is beginning to subside already. The headaches continue, however.

Moving on to Ekralc, the other ‘habitable’ planet orbiting Vomisa, perhaps it is best to say that this correspondent found living underground with no view of the sky for months at a time due to the almost unending savage fire-storms was less than interesting. And due to the spartan outlook of the inhabitants, the squalid and claustrophobic accommodation which visitors are forced to share in the homes of the locals (for no allowance is made for the needs of tourists, whom they regard as unnecessary, and whose interests in seeing other societies and civilisations they find impossible to comprehend and regard as frivolous), this correspondent cannot say much in favour of the planet. But if you enjoy being treated as some sort of lower form of life, spat on and bullied, by all means visit this gem of the universe. Just don’t expect me to join you.