Honk

Honk. Honk. Come on you son-of-a-bitch. Move. Honk Honk. The driver in front of me gives me a quizical look and says, “It's red” and shrugs. Honk. Honk. I'm late. It's probably already started. Honk. “Wow. You have a horn and it works. The light is red. R.E.D. Red. Red means stop. What are you a diplomat ofr something? Idiot.” Honk. Honk. He shrugs again.  

The light turns green and I pass this moron going 90 in a 35 zone. He shrugs and screams, “Where's the fire?” But it isn't a fire, it's important. I was at work and got the call. This can be instant or last for days. I speed through red lights after honking my horn. Please God. No cops today. I'll deal with them later.  

Then, there's grid lock. Really? Grid lock? Here? Now? Goddamn it. I gotta get there. This is a once in a lifetime event or maybe it'll happen again, but she'll kill me if I don't get there on time. Damn it. Honk. Honk. Honk. Someone gives me the finger. I don't give a shit. Move. It could be happening right now. And I might be missing it because these idiots won't move. Honk. I go on the shoulder of the road. Again, the strange looks from the other drivers. I almost kill a pedestrian. Why would you walk on the shoulder of the road? Idiots. Then, I see the blue sign. Thank God the blue sign with H on it is there, but now I have to get back into traffic to get off the exit. Son-of-a-bitch. Honk. Honk. One driver lifts his hand to signify the question What? What you want me to do? I want you to let me back in you idiot. I put the nose of the car between two cars forcing them to let me in and I get in. They honk too. Tell me to go fuck myself in Japenese for all I care, just gotta get there. Damn it.  

Then off the ramp, there's another red light. Really? But no one's ahead of me so I race through. Gotta get there on time. Then, I swerve into the hospital parking lot, park illegally, and race in.

“Where is she?” I ask the receptionist.

“Who are you looking for?”

And I give the receptionist her name and she tells me what room. If my body had a horn, I'd be honking it. Hospital elevators are fast. Thank God. So, I get up there and it's too late. It's over. Damn it. Goddamn it. But, she's ok and she's ok. They're ok. Now, I'm going to get the lecture, right? “Where the fuck were you?” But, there is no lecture. She's laying there, holding her, contempt. I ask if they're ok and she smiles and says Yes. We're fine. I missed it. Son-of-a-bitch. I missed it, but at least they're ok.  

The nurse comes and gives me the details: weight, sex, height, complications, etc. But they both seem contempt and I ask her if I can hold her and she says yes. Know the pronouns are confusing, but it makes sense to me. And she says yes. I pick her up by her head and her bottom to make sure she's supported. She cues the way babies do and she tries sucking on my nipple, and I laugh and give her back. But, she tells me we should take a picture of the three of us and I agree. The nurse takes our picture. I missed it, but I won't miss the rest of her life.  

She flashes us, but I've seen it before, that's how this started and the baby nurses. We've talked about this before and she said I could taste the milk at home later, if the baby was content. There are also pumps. She stops sucking and she puts her hospital gown back on and rocks the baby back and forth until it's asleep.  

I imagine what it would have looked like if I was there. If those idiots had moved when I honked. Her head coming through her labia minora. Her mother, my wife, screaming. The doctor yelling push. RHCP's song Deep Kick says, “I remember, 10 years ago in Hollywood. We did some good and we did some real bad stuff, but the Butthole Surfer's said 'it's better to regret something you did, than something you didn't do. Yea. We were young and we were looking for the deep kick.” Should've gone earlier or taken the backstreets. But her and the little girl seem happy.  

When the girl fell asleep, I asked her if she was upset I missed it and she said a little, but it was in God's hands and there must've been a reason God didn't want me to be there at that time. I almost got into five accidents trying to get there in time, so not sure why God would've wanted that.  

I think about the future of the girl. Who will her friends be, will she use drugs, will she make good company or bad? Will she rebel? Will she speed through traffic light someday? Will they both be okay? For right now, they are though. They're okay.

The first few weeks, we didn't sleep. Diapers, food, TLC, and a billion other things. The dog had to learn to interact with the baby. We had to learn to put in a rear facing child seat. We had to double check every day that the house was still child proof. Soon, they'll be asking questions like where do babies come from? Why is the sky blue? But, that's what sierri is for.  

There are certain milestones in life: puberty, graduation, marriage, becoming a parent, having grandchildren. And you don't want to miss any of them, but sometimes we do. There may be photos or videos we can see, but it's never the same as if we were there. Imagine just seeing a video of your daughter's wedding. It wouldn't be the same and that's how it was with my wife and me.  

Hay says we choose our parents, but do we choose our kids? We choose our spouses and maybe the genes of the spouses make the kid's personality. Or maybe I'm talking out of my ass. Maybe there will be other milestones I'm not thinking of like first dates, riding a bicycle, driving a car, winning a sports game, etc. And I'll enjoy those. So, maybe it isn't a big deal I missed this. There are videos I've seen of it. The head sliming through the hole. Explaining the process. Women suffer from incontinence afterwards, which is normal.  She can't drink alcohol until she weans her. That'll be a bitch. She likes drinking and so do I. Wonder if the girl'll drink too. Maybe alcholic. Maybe a mickey. Hope not.  

Everyone wishes they had more of time or they could fold time. Like the husband who is sitting in the mall waiting for his wife to come out of the changing room to ask his opinion on her clothes, when he doesn't give a shit and wants to leave the mall. She's a really cute baby and I ask to hold her again.