2020 vision

Nwanyioma spent the last two years trying to forget they existed, 2018 served to be the worst year of her life, as after almost five years of what she felt was a bliss full marriage. The love of her life Alicia, walked away, taking everything but Nwanyioma's body with her.

Looking into the mirror proved to be difficult and salted dried tear lines were a permanent fixture on her face. Nwanyioma's soul ached, and her spirit begged for a chance to rest.

Suicidal thoughts capitalized on her waking and her sleeping and day or night sleep eluded her. Nwanyioma tucked herself away in a cottage in Port Stanley Ontario, Canada and for days her bed felt like the only safe place to be. The thing is that bed, that house, the lights, the window, damn the fucking coffee cup, every aspect of this once safe place reminded her of a time when weed and white wine induced laughter filled the air. This was where they went to to escape the world, their little hide away. That once orgasmic atmosphere now felt like a coffin.

She wanted to smile again, to open her eyes and feel a desire to live, to not feel so insecure, hence, self help books and ted talks became her silent prayer.

Oprah Winfrey and Iyanla Vanzant became her role models, she learnt to play the guitar and her favourite book was "the road less travelled".

The pages were worn and ink faded from those paragraphs she read and re read in an effort to convince herself that she was worthy. Nwanyioma was determined to examine all aspects of love and living in an effort to never feel the way she felt ever again.

It was December 31st 2019, and after months of denying invitations and making up excuses as to why she could not make it to events she finally got dressed and went to a house party thrown by a mutual friend of Her and Alicia. she knew the possibility of Alicia being there was high, however she was determined to pick herself up and live again.

Nwanyioima looked in the mirror and for the first time she remembered the image looking back at her, this beautiful, black, intelligent woman of substance that had somehow forgotten how much she loved life, as it seemed life removed her reason to live.

The dress was black, with a shimmer that escaped it dependent on where the light caught you. her dred locks looked flawless and her make up enhanced every aspect of her face, making those cheek bones that impressed the agent that signed her stand out, and those lips that now lay on the shoulder of her ex lover in the form of a tattoo glistened.

The dress was short and truth be told Nwanyioma's legs made Tina Turner's look like Rue Paul"s. She looked fantastic and for the first time in a long time she knew it. She took a final glance at herself, grabbed her pocket book and strutted out that house with the carry of a royal.

The approach was slow but consistent, she walked up to the front door and as she was about to place her timid finger on the door bell, it flung open, and standing on the other side was Alicia, mouth open, and drool threatening to escape it. "oh high" Nwanyioma whispered, her voice sounding like hunny, she seeming unshifted, she moved out of the way and allowed Alicia the opportunity to escape the not so comfortable encounter, and entered that house like the queen she was. Screams irrupted as people screeched in joy, running towards her with embraces that indicated she was missed.

It was close to two years and she spent it convincing herself that she ,somehow was not enough and that no one loved her, hiding away and refusing invitations out of fear of an encounter with the ex. Not looking for or accepting gigs because the look in her lover's eyes changed one day and the reflection of herself she saw in those eyes, were less than flattering. Two years, she spent two years writing her pain down and sharing it with only her god, two years alone because of fear.

She entered that room and with one head turn, it happened, Nwanyioma decided there and then, moving forward beginning 2020 she will open her eyes. Not simply to observe the world and the beauty that it is engulfed in, however, open her eyes wide enough to include herself in the portrait of her happy ending.

Returning home that night was such a joy, getting naked, being alone, Nwanyioma walked into the house leaving the world and all it entailed at the door, she walked into the house, leaving the door open behind her and the wind howled sending little flakes of snow inside. She could feel the cold air against her back and she loved it.

She was naked and the sun was about to rise for the first time in 2020, she looked out the big bay window in her living room and there it was, a new chance, a new beginning.

Nwanyioma resolved to pursue all of her dreams in 2020, one of them was being called a writer one day, and so on Friday 17th of January 2020 while cleaning up her emails in an effort to pursue those very dreams, a prompt inviting her to enter a writing contest about fulfilling new year resolutions came up. Nwanyioma smiled, poured herself a glass of white wine, lit a weed, sat at that very bay window and she wrote.