This Is All Your Fault, Alexander

Alexander, do you see that?

Do you see the way the sun is disappearing right before our very eyes?

Do you know why that’s happening, Alexander?

It is because you abused yourself.

When young princes abuse themselves the way you have, the Lord above sees it, and punishes them by making the sun disappear. You may have thought nobody noticed, but the Lord did, Alexander. The Lord always does. Despite being told that you are a descendant of Kings, and must treat your body with the utmost respect and care, you decided to give into temptation and treat yourself the way your father treats one of his wenches. In doing so, you have cursed all of us. We are now thrust into darkness, because of your willingness to engage in sin.

Oh yes, this sort of thing has happened before, which is how we know the cause. Why, ten years ago, in 1603, your father abused himself, and the sun disappeared then as well. That was back when your grandfather was alive shortly before the Huns invaded and fed him to wild goats. Had your father not abused himself, perhaps the sun would never have disappeared and the Huns would not have invaded either. We can never know how the Lord is going to punish us when we misbehave, but you can be assured that all bad things come directly from the actions of lustful monarchs.

I cannot expect you to know such things, because you are not a man of science, as I am. As the Lead Sorcerer in the Kingdom, it is my duty to inform you why things are the way they are. In this case, you treating your body like the royal petting zoo has resulted in the villagers believing that we have a witch in our midst. Now, we will have to murder fourteen or fifteen innocent women to calm them down. Yes, I know that there are no witches in the kingdom. You know that as well, Alexander, but there will be no convincing the villagers. I suppose we could always travel into the forest and find a real witch living in one of those candy huts, but who has the time? Better to just decide on the fourteen or fifteen or twenty most outspoken women in the kingdom, have a few quick trials, and then throw them in the river. It may be unjust, but crowd control usually is.

Although it is not for me to forgive you, Alexander, I am happy to report to you that I do. Some sorcerers are more vengeful than I, and would turn you into a loathsome creature, like an earthworm or half a warthog. Instead, I will use this as a teachable moment. The moment may be dark, but I am a teacher, and so…Here we are. Now you know to wait until marriage before you give into carnal desires. Once you are married, you will be permitted to let your wife explore you in any way you wish, along with all the wenches in the kingdom that your father has not claimed for himself, provided he hasn’t been killed by then. I hear the Huns are planning another raid, but don’t tell him that.

You know, Alexander, back in the Darker Days, people had strange explanations for phenomena such as this one. They would say that there were many gods, and that those gods were mad about foolish things like whether or not a temple built in their honor was constructed properly or because someone thought they were the best at sirtaki dancing. You could not be good at sirtaki dancing back in the day, Alexander, because, chances are, there was a God of Sirtaki and if a mortal said they were the best at it, then that god would get angry, and throw the sun into the ocean.

Now, of course, we know better. We know that there is only one god and that He does not anger quickly or for frivolous reasons. The only thing that upsets Him is a young prince unable to control himself every time a busty chambermaid passes in front of him. Coincidentally, that last maid was a favorite of your father’s, and if he saw your eyes wandering, you’d be up in the tower eating nothing but gruel for weeks. You’re lucky I was the one who intervened. Thankfully everyone else is staring up at the sky with their eyes uncovered. No doubt we’ll have an outbreak of blindness tomorrow the same way we did in 1603.

And it will be all your fault, Alexander.

Well, not entirely your fault. Only a fool stares up at the sun even when it isn’t being swallowed up by the moon. Nevertheless, we have quite a few fools in the kingdom, and you will be their leader one day. You must protect them. When Huns invade, you must be ready to go to war. You must not be lounging around your royal bedroom acting like a Frenchman. Oh yes, Alexander, the French haven’t seen the sun in years. If you knew anything about the French king, you’d know why. That man may as well sew his hand to the inside of his pantaloons.

Life is full of inappropriate desires, Alexander. The older you get, the more you shall discover. Why, just today your father asked me if he could divorce your mother and marry his second cousin then say the Lord told him to do it. I said that was fine, because anyone who tells your father “No” ends up in the tower eating gruel and chasing after rats for a little extra protein. That doesn’t mean we all won’t be punished when he does, eventually, cast your mother aside to marry that sharp-chinned relative of his. There will most likely be another earthquake or perhaps the ferocious goats shall return.

When you are king, Alexander, I hope you will be a chaste ruler. A godly man who does no wrong and does not bring about suffering to his people. At the very least, I hope you shall always check with me before doing anything questionable.

Believe in science, Alexander, and always consult with your sorcerer.