Connection

Ever since she was a little girl, Ella loved darkness. She loved how the light at the end of the hallway sunk into void or how the forest seemed hungry to extinguish the campfire. As a toddler, she pulled the nightlight from the wall, and when her mother tried to plug it back in, Ella defiantly announced that she refused to have an ounce of light enter her room.

Even the light from the hallway insulted the immense lightlessness she craved. She would sneak off to the crawlspace under the house just to see how long she could be immersed in the nightfall below. How long could she stand the sense of sound getting louder and louder until it felt like her head was going to pop?

So, when she announced at age 13 that she wanted to be a caver, her parents were less surprised and more filled with dread. They had hoped that in her tween maturity, her obsession with the dark would transition to simpler things like love interests and hating her parents for no good reason.

But Ella was resolute. She bought books and rented documentaries on caving, begged her parents to sign her up for a local class, camp, tours, anything that quelled her insatiable curiosity and lust. Guided tours only held her interest for a short while. What she craved was the unknown—the bottomless belly of the earth.

Now in her mid-twenties, Ella was after a new challenge. A partially explored cave in the Tennessee Smokies. It was rumored to link up with a more extensive, well-known cave system, but explorers had yet to find the connection.

Over the decades, the cave had gained its own mythos and was a siren song to any avid caver. It took Ella more than a year to gather her team and refine their plans, but now she sits in the passenger seat of a grey Toyota Tacoma, flying through the narrow roads of Tennessee with wanderlust clawing at her chest.

Ella studied the map in her lap as the truck whipped around tight turns and over steep hills, idly fiddling with a chunk of polished basalt around her neck. The entrance to the cave was located on the far northeastern side of a piece of private property tucked into the boondocks of the smokies. She had tried several times to contact the owner only to be hung up on or cursed at. Calling Tom Whittaker was merely a courtesy. A gesture of good faith that Ella could live with or without. Caves belonged to the earth, and Ella belonged to the caves.

She and her team were prepared to enter the property come nightfall and slip into the mouth of the cave before sunrise. "Team" may be too professional. Two guys she met through a grotto she found online who were just skilled enough and just ballsy enough to agree to go with her.

           "Make a right up here," Todd said from the back seat. Gavin, the driver, grunted and spit a dark wad of dip into a coke can and returned it to the cupholder. Ella couldn't look at him when he did this. The smell alone was enough to make her nauseous. She didn't need to see the tarpit ooze leaving his mouth as she resisted the urge to stick her tongue out and make an audible ack. Gavin sucked his bottom lip back and turned where Todd had told him to.

           "How far after this?" Gavin asked.

           "Another three miles or so," Todd replied.

           "We should stop a mile back and walk," Ella said, still puzzling over the topographical map bouncing in her lap.

           "We should have gotten food," Gavin complained.

           "We have food," Ella remarked.

           "Dried food."

           "Free food."

           "El, we don't need to stop a mile out. A quarter mile should do," Todd chipped in, trying to diffuse the tension that had settled between Gavin and Ella the second the truck's engine sputtered to life.

           "I don't want to take any chances," she said. "If we get caught by a patrol officer, we'll never be able to get back here. We have one shot."

           "It's not life or death," Todd said. "We just don't get to go exploring."

           Ella nearly crumpled the map between her hands. She turned to face him. "Is that what you want? To drive eighteen hours with no sleep and protein bar farts to 'not explore'? To give up a mile out because you didn't want to walk an extra 5000 feet. We have a real opportunity here. To go somewhere no other cavers have gone. We'd be fuckin' legends. Pioneers. A few of the greats. Think about it. We'd be it."

           "Ella's right, man," Gavin said. "You'd be a real jackass to pull out now. Plus, you'd regret it when we came back and told you about all the sick pits and formations we found." Ella and Gavin didn't agree on much of anything outside of caving. They had learned early on to stick to their shared passion and avoid everything else. Still, at this moment, Ella felt remarkable gratitude for his support, even if it was to spare himself the torture of being stuck underground with her.

           "You're right. You're right," Todd conceded. I'd be remiss." Ella noted the sly smile streaking his face as he sat back in the bucket seat. Though cautious at times, she knew he was excited. His level-headedness was one of the reasons she wanted him on this trip.

           "Find a spot to park," Todd said. "We're here."

           Gavin pulled the Tacoma over and parked it against some trees. The three of them got out, stretching and groaning. Ella pulled her quarter-zip over her head and stared at the blinding sunset behind them, rolling the basalt between her fingers. A quintessential haze soaked up the colors. Soon, she'd leave this majesty behind for the subterranean realm and the distant dripping of ancient waters. A cold breath. A dark heart. An echo you almost don't hear.

           A shiver rocked her body. She couldn't contain the determined grin that tugged at her lips.

           They ate a dull dinner from the back of Gavin's truck and waited for the sun to sink. Twilight prompted them to don their packs and gear and head to the Whittaker property. Once there, they hopped a short fence and followed their GPS to a marked location.

Ella flipped on her headlamp and scanned the rock outcropping before them. She was looking for a keyhole about two feet wide. She walked along the wall with her hand outstretched, feeling for a surge of cool air that would mark the entrance. A whisper brushed her fingertips.

           "Got it," Ella exclaimed, crouching to shine her light into the keyhole.

           "Good job, El," Todd said, unzipping his bag.

           "We're gonna have to pass the supplies through after we go in. Can you guys get some ropes on those bags? I'm gonna put my harness on."

           "Got a pit princess over here," Gavin said. Ella could feel his snide smirk boring into her back.

           "Fuck off." She was too focused to give him more than that.

Squeezing through the keyhole wasn't as difficult as she had expected. The cave opened up quickly upon entrance. Her feet dangled in empty air. "Lower me slowly," she shouted. As she descended through the blackness, she looked around. The pit was like most, cylindrical, the faint etching of water on the walls. After about 15 feet, Ella touched the ground. "Okay," she yelled. "All good." Todd and Gavin followed, landing softly next to her.

           "We're in," Ella grinned. The team exchanged high-fives before surveying the cave for the start of their route.

           "I found air," Gavin said after a short while. He was standing in front of a large slat in the wall. Not tall enough to walk through but tall enough to crawl.

           "I guess that's our direction," Ella said.

           "After you," Gavin said, stepping aside so Ella could head the expedition. She slipped through the fissure with her team behind her. The next few hours were filled with various traverses, a few tight squeezes, and a couple down climbs. The team now stood before a collapse of limestone blocking their path.

           "How are we gonna get through that?" Todd asked.

           Ella was disappointed she didn't come this far to get stopped by some rubble. "Gavin," she called. "Find anything?"

           "Nothing. That's it."

           Ella cursed under her breath. "How do you guys feel about moving some rock?"

           "That's not a good idea. We don't know how this came down in the first place," Todd said, a serious crease knotting between his brows.

           "Yeah, but it's the only way through."

           "Wait! Hold up. Ya boi's got air," Gavin shouted.

           "Where?" Ella said, hurrying toward him.

           "Right here. Smell that? That's cave, baby. Probably a big ass cavern." Gavin was standing on his tiptoes. Above his head lie a crack about three feet long.

           "We'd have to chip at it."

           "Guys, come on," Todd said. "That's against everything the NSS stands for." His pragmatism was met with silence from the other two.

           "Think we can open it?" Ella asked.

           "Gotta get someone up there first," said Gavin.

           "I'll go," Ella said. "Bend down."

           "What?"

           "I have to get on your shoulders to reach."

           "Alright." Gavin bent down and let Ella mount his shoulders. She was now face-level with the crack.

           "It's bigger than we thought!"

           "Shimmyable?"

           "Shimmyable," Ella grinned.

           "Let's goooo!"

           Ella hoisted herself onto the ledge and squirmed her way into the rock. The passage was too tight to tell the others what was happening. She had to exhale to move forward like a compressed inchworm. This was the part of caving she never quite got used to her. Her instincts told her to panic, go back. She told them to pipe down and let her handle this. Every push forward made her lungs scream. Her helmet kept getting stuck. Part of her wanted to give up, but she thought of the basalt around her neck, what it took to get to this point, and conjured the will to continue. 

           The squeeze widened when she thought she'd have to go back. She dragged herself and her bag through the opening, careful to take a good look before exiting the squeeze. Her lungs inflated ravenous for breath as she dropped a few feet into the room.

           "Okay. You guys can come through."

           While she waited for Gavin and Todd, she surveyed the room. It was a large cathedral. Giant sparkling columns towered above her. Two distinct passageways jutted off the main room. Ella walked between them, trying to decide which one to traverse. The choice was clear to her. The one on the right was their passage. She couldn't explain how she knew this; she just knew that she felt apprehensive toward the one on the left. A map of the system flooded her mind. She could see where they both led as if she had been there before.

           She reached a gloved hand into the blackness of the right path. Cool air brushed her face. Someone was whispering her name. Her heart quickened. She steadied herself, fighting the urge to run toward the voice.

           Feet hit the ground behind her. "That was some squeeze," Gavin said. "Whoa. Look at that." Gavin was looking up at the ceiling dripping with columns. "It's gotta be a hundred feet. Maybe more."

           Ella didn't respond. She was still peering into the dark, trying to hear something that wasn't there.

           Gavin walked around the cathedral, making remarks and taking photos. "How ya doing, buddy?" Gavin said into the squeeze. Todd's barely audible grunt was the only response. "Good shit."

           "Oof. Made it," Todd said breathlessly from behind Ella. She was acutely aware of him and Gavin talking.

           "We're going this way," Ella murmured. Already loving the darkness before her. 

A cracking sound from above snapped Ella out of her trance.

"Look out," Gavin yelled. Ella turned around just in time to see a stalactite pierce through Todd, pinning him to the ground with a sick, wet crunch. Gavin ran to him and frantically pressed his finger to his neck, sinking into the pool of blood that had already formed. A brokenhearted utterance left his mouth. Ella couldn't quite grasp what had happened. She looked at the two of them on the ground and felt as though she was watching a scene from a movie.

Another crack came from above. "Gavin, move!" She yelled. He rolled to the side as a second stalactite narrowly missed him. Rockfall echoed throughout the chamber. "Come on!" Ella and Gavin raced down the corridor. Debris and dust chased after them.

           Small rocks clattered and bounced. Their lungs and eyes were choked by dust. Ella stopped, coughing and gasping for air. As the dust settled, they could see a massive pile of rubble blocking the way to the cathedral. They didn't need to speak to know what their outcome was. A cave-in of this magnitude gave them only one option; find the connection to the primary cave system and get out.

           The two of them continued more or less shellshocked down the corridor. Every step sounded like the stalactite piercing through Todd. Occasionally, Gavin stifled a sob with a thick, shaky breath. Ella felt hollow, not sad. The numbness concerned her, but only slightly. Every now and then, between the footsteps, the sobs, and the sick crunching, Ella heard a voice saying her name like a mantra.

           Each time they reached an impasse, the voice became more pronounced in one direction. Ella couldn't explain her faithfulness to the voice, yet she followed it without hesitation. It was guiding them, and she was in no position to argue. Gavin had shut down, gone mute. He did what she told him to without complaint, moving mechanically as if he had become a piece of gear she needed.

           When Gavin finally did speak, Ella almost screamed. "Did you see that," he said.

           "See what?"

           "Up ahead, I saw something move."

"Where?"

"There," he pointed.

           "There's nothing up there. It's just your mind playing tricks. You're in shock."

           "No, I definitely saw something." Gavin was standing stock-still, staring past her. She stared into the shadows long enough to convince him there was nothing there when she saw a flicker of movement.

           Gavin gripped her arm, "Did you see that?"

           Ella couldn't speak. Something had moved, and that something wanted her to follow it. Ella took a step forward.

           Gavin pulled her back, "Are you crazy?"

           "Maybe it's a caver. They could help us."

           "No way is that a caver."

           Ella tried to move away from him, but he tightened his grip. "Let go," she whispered. "Stay here, and I'll check it out."

           Reluctantly, he loosened his grip. Ella walked deliberately toward the movement. There it was again, just a flicker. She couldn't tell if it was moving fast or moving infrequently.

           Ella. She turned instinctually to the sound of her name. Ella. Ella. Ella.

           There was nothing around her but solid rock. Ella. It was coming from the wall before her. As she got closer, she saw what the movement was. The wall was rippling like ferro liquid.

           Her skin prickled as she gazed upon the serous stone. A flash of a heartbreaking memory entered her mind and gouged out her heart. She nearly called out. Then, her body warmed and relaxed as if sinking into a hot spring.

           She reached out and tapped the surface; gentle waves reflected the light of her headlamp.

"Ella, what the fuck is that?" Gavin said, now next to her.

"It's the gateway," Ella said, stepping dreamily toward the pulsating wall. "It's real," she breathed.

"The what? What are you talking about?"

"This is why we came here. This is why I needed you… and Todd." Their names were already slipping from her mind. The gelatinous wall called to her. She knew Cam was back there somewhere, waiting for her. Her love. Her heart. She gripped the basalt he had given her. He wanted her. Needed her. She couldn't turn away from him now. "You can go." She barely felt the words leave her mouth.

           Gavin was saying something, but she couldn't hear him over the whooshing that came from the wall, from her mind, from nowhere and everywhere. Ella. Ella. Ella. She was already part of the beyond. All she needed to do was step through. So, she did. The wall took her like a free fall, a foam pit, familiar unfamiliarity. Living and dying all in one. She did not feel afraid because she knew Cam hadn't been afraid. She was going to him.