What Happens at Midnight

04.04.20 // 12:00am

Dear Future Self,

The midnight whispers seem to be calling my name tonight. They are keeping me up, and not to mention, my thoughts are also screaming inside of my head. It is so peaceful, yet so loud. How does that work? Two opposites somehow come together and form a catastrophe. A catastrophe in which I cannot handle. I never knew how strong negative thoughts could be until they began to hold me as their prisoner and take advantage of me.

I am alone. Nobody is with me right now, it’s been that way for about a month. So I’m stuck with the wind and my thoughts to keep me company. It is not good company, it is rather painful. Extremely painful. It is as if I am living my worse nightmare, and I am. I tried sleeping, but every time I close my eyes, I want to cry because I just watched my mom die a few weeks ago, and, well, I do not want to relive that day again. How am I supposed to survive this? Restless nights will soon turn into me not wanting to get out of bed, and I have to get out of bed because there is a world outside of my home, but what if by then, my body decides that it is better for me to stay indoors, away from the world? The thought scares me. So for now, until my brain heals from the trauma, until my heart figures out how to mend itself, my eyes will remain open. The world is too scary inside my head right now, and I am not ready to face it. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to face it. I don’t think I want to face it. I don’t think I’m ever going to face it, because my thoughts can kill me if I let them, so maybe if I don’t face them, they will go away. Just maybe they will leave me alone.

When I look outside my window, I don’t see much because the night sky does a glorious job of hiding things, but I do see a tree. My moms tree. A tall, old tree. The tree that I fell in love with at a young age. The tree that grew up with me because my mom is the one that planted it when I was three. I used to sit under it and read for hours at a time and if someone would’ve came up to me and asked, “Who’s your best friend?” I would’ve said, “The tree next to my house.” I find myself comparing my life to the tree sometimes. It sounds weird, but I promise you there‘s a lot to it. That tree holds some of the greatest memories within its roots, my mom gave it life, and it was there through all the bad and through all the good. It‘s almost as if the tree died with my mom, or something bizarre like that, because a week after her passing, the tree lost all of its leaves. Every single one. It was surreal. And some days, if I’m being honest, I feel like I died with her too. I feel like nobody is here to take care of me, and I can’t do it myself because the branches of my body are connected to my bed and my bed will not release me. And it’s confusing, because I’m trapped in bed all day, but I don’t even sleep.

My blanket becomes my only protector when the sun decides to fade away. I wish my thoughts would fade away. Instead, they chose to inherit a different trait from the sun, they chose to burn. Burn deep inside my skull, imprinting memories in my brain that I do not wish to keep but have no choice, because they are apart of me now. Just like my blanket. My only protector. The warmth the blanket provides is the closest thing I’ll get to safety because as soon as I close my eyes, I am in danger. 

The sun is not the only thing that fades, pain does too, I just have to wait. But I cannot wait for too long because the world will not wait for me. There is life outside of these four walls and I have to see it again... but how does one battle thoughts that make you bawl? How do I fight off demons inside my head if demons are all that I have? How am I supposed to live without my mom? These pass few weeks I have not been living, I have been fighting and surviving, just barely, and I am not sure how long I will be able to keep going. I miss her. I miss her touch, her voice, I miss her existence, I miss everything about her. I sit here, in bed, and all I can do is write about her... think about her.

But I know deep down that this is not goodbye. One day the tree will see me prosper and grow into a much stronger person. One day I will close my eyes and say goodnight to the universe. One day I will fight off the voices inside my head telling me to give up, because even though time is still ticking, the world is still waiting for me, my mom is waiting for me. She’s waiting for me to get out of bed and realize that my blanket is not my only protector, because even though she’s dead, she is still holding me from a distance, she is still here. I will show her that I can do it. I will prove to her that water will not drown me, that I can swim. One day I will conquer the darkness within me and show it who’s boss. 

And one day the sun with its burning eyes will watch me take a step outside, throw my hands up to the sky and say, “I did it mom!” 

One day. You’ll see.

Sincerely, 

Past Self

p.s. You are stronger than you think. You are amazing. And just because a life ended does not mean yours has to end too. You love you, remember that.