Peanut Butter and Jelly

To: chief.scout@—————

Subject: Peanut Butter and Jelly

Dear Chief Scout —————

I am writing to bring to your attention a most troubling international incident. My name is Samantha Johnson, third-year extern at the Culinary Institute of America in New York, currently specializing in "American Food Studies: Farm to Table Cooking.”

I hold a specialized certification in Historical American Comfort Foods with a concentration in Lunchbox Classics. My published paper 'The Socioeconomic Impact of Crusts vs. No-Crusts: A 50-State Analysis' received the Institute's prestigious Golden Sandwich Award. I have also appeared as a guest expert on the Food Network's 'Sandwich Showdown' and was recently appointed to the Presidential Commission on Childhood Nutrition, Sandwich Division.

Two weeks ago, I was contacted by Scout Leader Timothy Harrison of the 5th Cheshire Scout Group. The scout group requested my professional expertise on "quintessential American cuisine" for their International Food Festival. After careful consideration of America's gastronomic contributions, I recommended what is perhaps our most beloved cultural staple: the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Mr. Harrison informed me yesterday that my suggestion was met with what I can only describe as a culinary catastrophe. According to his report, thirty-two scouts between ages 8-12 described my national treasure as "proper disgusting," "weirdly sticky," and—most offensively—"like someone put jam on a handful of wet sand." One scout apparently attempted to feed his portion to a neighborhood dog, who also refused it.

Mr. Fields, I was devastated. Clearly, something went terribly wrong in translation. I suspect Mr. Harrison used what you Brits call ‘peanut butter’ (a salty, gritty imitation of real American peanut butter). Your British 'peanut butter' lacks the correct ratio of monounsaturated to polyunsaturated fats that give American versions their distinctive mouthfeel. Furthermore, your product's particle size distribution fails to meet the specifications outlined in the American Peanut Council's Standard 47-B, leading to what we professionals call 'improper tongue adhesion.'

As for your 'jelly,' (some wobbly, gelatinous dessert, I’ve been informed), I understand it is prepared with gelatin derived from animal sources. Authentic American grape jelly contains pectin, a plant-based thickening agent that creates the signature spreadability essential to proper PB&J construction.

The psychological impact on me cannot be overstated. I spent three days in culinary meditation, questioning everything I thought I knew about trans-Atlantic food communication. Would Julia Child abandon her mission if faced with such resistance? I think not. In fact, this incident has revealed a concerning gap in global culinary education that must be addressed with the utmost urgency.

This cultural misunderstanding requires immediate intervention. I have therefore arranged a temporary leave from my studies to personally visit the 5th Cheshire Scout Group and demonstrate the proper creation of an authentic PB&J.

As a former Scout myself, with 27 merit badges including Culinary Arts, International Relations, and Diplomatic Sandwich Assembly, I take the Scout motto 'Be Prepared' very seriously.

It was in the wilderness of Yosemite, under the tutelage of Scout Leader Edna Mae Johnson (no relation), that I first mastered the art of PB&J preparation using only a Swiss Army knife and ingredients carried 12 miles in a backpack in 94-degree heat. My sandwich earned me not only the Advanced Culinary Preparedness Badge but also saved our troop when a park ranger, having smelled the distinctive aroma of properly prepared peanut butter, followed it to our location after we had wandered off-trail. This experience cemented my understanding that proper food preparation is not merely a matter of taste but often one of survival.

I will be bringing with me a selection of Virginia-grown Runner peanuts. The peanuts will be roasted at precisely 347°F (175°C) in a convection oven calibrated that morning using laser thermometry. We shall then stone grind said peanuts with salt harvested from the salt plains of Oklahoma and native Virginia wildflower honey. The grinding process will be conducted in a counterclockwise motion to align the oils properly with the Earth's magnetic field.

I have secured the honey from a small-batch artisanal honey producer in Virginia who tends hives exclusively in meadows that have never been exposed to pesticides or artificial irrigation.

The sourdough starter for our bread began its fermentation journey on American soil and has been fed daily with organic, stone-ground wheat harvested during the last quarter moon to ensure optimal gluten development. The bread will be sliced to exactly .75 inches (roughly 2 centimeters).

The final ingredients are concord grapes I grew on my own vines. We will be reducing them with Meyer lemon zest and Ceylon cinnamon.

I will instruct the scouts in assembly utilizing the "spread-to-edge" technique. The precise distribution will follow the internationally recognized American standard: 40% of the sandwich surface area dedicated to peanut butter applied to one slice, 35% dedicated to jelly applied to the opposing slice, with a critical 25% central region where both ingredients must harmoniously coexist. This overlap zone is essential for proper flavor integration and is non-negotiable according to the USDA Sandwich Standards Division.

Lastly, the sandwich must be cut diagonally at precisely 47 degrees for maximum flavor distribution.

I have prepared a 52-page illustrated manual titled 'PB&J: The American Diplomatic Sandwich,' This manual has been reviewed by the Department of State's Culinary Outreach Division and meets all requirements for international food education materials. Additionally, I have arranged for a documentary filmmaker to record this cultural intervention for posterity. The resulting educational film, tentatively titled 'Spread the Word: America's Sandwich Frontier,' will be submitted to the Cannes Film Festival's Culinary Documentary category.

I will arrive at Heathrow Airport on May 15th and expect full cooperation from your organization in this matter of sensitive international relations. The scouts must understand that rejecting a PB&J is tantamount to rejecting the very foundation of American childhood. I have copied the US Ambassador's office on this correspondence as well as the Food Standards Agency of Great Britain. My contacts at the FSA have already expressed concern over this 'sandwich incident'.

Respectfully but firmly yours,

Samantha Johnson

Junior Culinary Ambassador (self-appointed)

CIA Extern, Farm to Table division

P.S. I will be bringing my own peanut mill, as I understand British voltage may affect grinding torque.