Z-Threats and Cardio Sweats

Aiden opened his eyelids slowly, willing it to have been a dream, a drawn-out, dreadful, dream. His pupils shrank, adjusted, and took in the three sleeping figures. He heard the whirring of treadmills around them. Nope, this was still the apocalypse.

He groaned in frustration, pounding the exercise mat beneath him.

Bailey rolled to face him, “You know, mornings will get a lot easier once you just accept that we are living in a world full of flesh-eating zombies.” He flinched at the word zombies. “Oh, sorry, um, flesh-eating Z-words,” Bailey amended. Aiden was struggling the most with their new reality and the group had begun substituting gentler words for ‘zombies’, ‘apocalypse’, and ‘the impending doom and destruction of the human race and life as we knew it’.

“Well excuse me for having a difficult time with that.”

“Ugh, will you two be quiet, you’re going to wake Kim and I’m not ready for morning cardio,” Cooper whispered desperately.

“Did I hear someone say morning cardio?!” Kim’s slender form sat up and her sapphire eyes twinkled. Now it was Cooper’s turn to groan.

The four of them had been traveling together towards Cape Canaveral Air Force Station; an unlikely group brought together by the zombocalypse. They had been driving until more and more routes became flooded with abandoned vehicles and hoards of the insatiable creatures. Now they were traveling by foot and morale had begun to decline. They moved from gym to gym, spending the nights surrounded by a circle of whirring treadmills to keep away the unwanted visitors, and Kim forced them all to take advantage of their “unlimited gym pass” to stay in shape. The treadmills had been surprisingly successful as protection; Chompies would either get flung backwards into the wall or propelled headfirst into the machine, smashing their skulls either way. The few who survived the first attempt rarely survived a second. In fact, the record for a particularly hard-headed fellow was 4 rounds on the treadmill, and by the time he kicked the bucket, the treadmill was so covered in guts that they had to swap it out for another one.

“You’ve all seen Zombieland!” Kim began her pep-talk, “'Rule #1: Cardio’. I think Columbus was onto something there; have you seen any McDonalds addicts or cigarette smokers still alive in the last few days? “

“What I’d give for a Quarter Pounder right now…” Cooper sighed wistfully.

Kim rolled her eyes, “You know I’m right. Come on, the sooner we get in our morning workout, the sooner we can keep moving.”

Aiden and Cooper did a sweep to make sure they weren’t in danger of becoming a zom-buffet and the girls raided the smoothie bar for breakfast. The nice thing about holing up in gyms every night was that they could usually find frozen fruit and vegetables, both of which were non-existent in other places by now. At the beginning of the end of the world, most people had raided obvious locations like supermarkets and Costco for food, leaving the shelves bare. Aiden did wonder about the long-term effects of consuming so much protein powder, but he supposed it was better than eating sardines out of a can. 

“Alright, increase that incline!” Kim yelled enthusiastically as they went through a series of hill training. “Cooper, I see you, 2% incline is NOT a hill, that’s the equivalent of running into a gentle breeze!”

After their workout they used the showers and packed up. Who would have guessed that apocalypse life would be so hygienic and healthy? Aiden hacked into a computer and searched for the next few gyms along their route; thank goodness for Google maps. Eventually they would reach the point of no power, but no one talked about what might happen then.

“I’m telling you, we should really just find a helicopter and fly,” Cooper suggested for the thousandth time. 

“And I’m telling you, I am not climbing into a flying death box just because you think you’ve flown enough helicopters in video games.”

“What do you think it’ll be like on Mars?” Bailey interrupted as they walked through the empty streets, trying to stay out of snack radius for any undead along the way.

“Well, if it’s anything like The Martian, we’ll be trying to grow potatoes with our own poop,” Kim laughed.

“You do realize that life isn’t a movie, right Kim?” Aiden rebuffed. “What if we make it to the Air Force Station and the Spacecraft had to leave early? Or it’s been overtaken with Zhombres?”

“Hey, stop, we can’t lose hope. The radio is still broadcasting information about the journey to Mars, and we’ve been really good at keeping track of the date,” Bailey nodded acknowledgement at Kim. She had a specific workout for each day of the week, so they didn’t lose track; hill-training was Wednesdays.

“I lost hope when you tossed the rest of those Pringles back on day one,” Cooper whinged. 

“I said I was sorry. How was I supposed to know you wanted them? They were Original, the worst flavor!”

“Who throws away food in the middle of the apocaly­­­–” He glanced at Aiden, “the undead nightmare?!”

“Look, if I find any nasty flavored chips in the future, I promise they are all yours,” Bailey glared.

“Ugh, guys, we have a problem,” Kim stopped as they turned a corner and found themselves face-to-face with a crowd of Cardi Zs.

“Who grabbed the weapons from the gym?” 

“Not me, I carried them yesterday.”

“Me either.”

“Not me…”

“We don’t have any weapons?!” 

The Cannibal Corpses were making their way closer, clacking their teeth in a disturbing mimicry of someone smacking their lips.

“Rule #1!” Kim began running back where they had come from, but was stopped by another zombified group that emerged and cut off the escape.

“A helicopter sure would be nice right about now,” Cooper mused.

Bailey pulled out her iPhone, opening iTunes; they all kept their phones nearby in case they got separated. “Maybe we just need to play something so awful that the Zombags can’t stand it and leave!”

“Bailey that is the stupidest ide–“ Aiden began.

“Nickelback!” Cooper shouted.

Bailey scrolled madly, then held her phone up triumphantly as How You Remind Me started blaring. The Zombikazes paused, but continued closing in.

“Not How You Remind Me!” Cooper grabbed her phone, “That’s their most tolerable song.” He searched frantically, “You don’t have any other Nickelback songs downloaded Bailey!”

“Of course I don’t! I only have 32GB of storage and I wasn’t going to waste it on Nickelback!”

Unexpectedly, Must Be Nice resounded in the street as Chad Kroeger tried, unsuccessfully, to string together a number of children’s nursery rhymes. Kim was holding her phone above her head, looking abashed. The others gaped at her.

“It’s um, it’s my guilty pleasure,” Kim’s cheeks flamed. 

As Nickelback blasted in the streets, the group of Benny-and-the-Deads froze, rotting heads shaking as if reacting to a pesky mosquito. Then, they fled. Well, they stumbled away, seemingly confused and in pain.

Bailey was the first to break the tension, laughing, “You are never going to live this down.”

“I just saved your lives, thank you very much,” Kim tried to look affronted, but couldn’t help smiling.

Aiden was laughing for the first time in days, “Can you believe that Nickelback is so bad that even Bee-Z’s can’t stand their music?” 

They clapped Kim on the back, teasing and chuckling as they continued on, blasting Must Be Nice anytime they encountered more clusters.

They set up at a Planet Fitness in Port St John that night, but their spirits were dampened by the realization that most of the cardio machines were out of order. A quick internet search informed them that there were no other gyms nearby.

“Stupid, small, redneck town without fitness facilities,” Kim grumbled, “What do people do here to stay healthy?”

Cooper and Bailey glanced at each other, suppressing smiles. Kim’s Thursday workout was sprints, and they wouldn’t be doing that by the looks of this place. 

“Maybe we push some machines against the broken windows and leave Nickelback playing to keep the Ankle Biters away for the night,” Aiden suggested.

“I suppose that’s reasonable,” Kim agreed. They sat down for dinner first, munching protein bars and splitting some chocolate from earlier. 

Aiden turned on the radio and they listened to the familiar message: “This is an emergency action notification. All normal programming has been discontinued. A viral outbreak has resulted in bodies of the dead mutating into creatures that consume living flesh. Do not approach these creatures as they are extremely dangerous. Transmission is believed to occur through bites and contact with bodily fluids. NASA is launching a Spacecraft to Mars on April 17^th, please make your way to Cape Canaveral Air Force Station. This broadcast will be updated as necessary.”

“Two more days,” Bailey breathed. 

“Two more days,” Cooper echoed. “Not much wiggle room.”

“It’s about six hours travel by foot across the NASA Causeway, so even if we run into trouble tomorrow, we’ve still got a bit of a buffer,” Aiden informed them. “And if we skip our workout tomorrow morning, we can get an early start,” he glanced sidelong at Kim.

“Let’s decide in the morning, no use making hasty decisions now,” Kim placed her phone in the middle of the floor to play on repeat.

They went to sleep in a changeroom, free weights barricading the door, and the sound of muffled Nickelback seeping through the walls.

*******

Aiden opened his eyelids slowly, this time knowing it wasn’t a dream, knowing that something was wrong. All was quiet as he sat up and tried to determine what had caused him to wake. It was too quiet. The phone wasn’t spurting that live-saving, God-awful music anymore. Well that wasn’t the worst thing, they had taken other precautions, moved machines to block the windows. Wait, they hadn’t! They had talked about it, but headed instinctively to bed after dinner, exhausted.

“Hey, wake up!” he whispered frantically, shaking the others. “We forgot to block the broken windows!”

“Huh?” Bailey rubbed her eyes.

“Is it time for cardio?” Gosh, did Kim dream about working out too?

“Guys, we have to go block the windows, I think Kim’s phone died.”

That got everyone moving. They slid the free weights away and slowly exited the changeroom, listening. It seemed safe. The sun was just starting to rise, and light peeked in through the windows. Then they heard it; the unmistakable shuffle of footsteps. A Big-Z stepped out from the shadows, reaching and moaning.

Kim had located her phone, “It is dead, someone else play something!”

Cooper ran back to get his phone, and Kim tossed her device at the Dead-Head who seemed unfazed as it bounced off his exposed ribs.

“Bailey, flirt with him!” Aiden pushed her towards the creature.

“Are you trying to kill me?” Bailey hissed. “You’ll be the first I come for if I turn into a Queen Z!”

Nevertheless, she turned to face the Zombiter and tried to smile, “Hey handsome, do you come here often?”

“Nnggaaahhh”

“Oh,” Bailey forced a laugh, “Um, me too.”

There was a smack as Kim hit her forehead in dismay, “Bailey how did you ever land yourself a boyfriend before the end of the world? Come on, show him some skin!”

Bailey obediently bent forward, pulling her shirt down to expose whatever cleavage she had, “Mmmm, is it hot in here?”

At this, the Z-Unit snapped his teeth together, eagerly moving closer.

“Wait, bad idea! Cover yourself up! He thinks your food!” Kim looked mortified.

“Flip your hair!” Aiden called helpfully.

Bailey stood up and flicked her hair, taking a step back as the Zombody moaned again.

“Flutter your eyelashes!”

“Compliment him!”

“Stroke his arm! Oh wait, no don’t touch him!”

Bailey attempted a coy smile, “Check out your missing cheekbone! I should see the other guy, am I right?”

Cooper came running back, “What the hell is she doing?” 

“Apparently this is flirting,” Aiden muffled a laugh.

“Ahh,” Bailey nodded knowingly, “You’re a moaner, aren’t you? I can always tell.” 

“Mmmgggoaahh.”

“Yeah, I thought so,” She twirled her hair.

“Wait, is this working?!” Kim came to stand with the boys.

Aiden shrugged, “You don’t need a brain to fall in love.”

Bailey slapped her butt, “You are dead sexy.” She turned to scowl at the others, “Are you just going to stand there? Do something!”

“Oh, right,” Cooper groped for his phone. “Shoot, I must have left mine on, it’s dead too!”

Kim moved to grab a medicine ball and rolled it across the floor, knocking the Neck-Romancer down like a bowling pin. Aiden rushed over and swung a kettlebell at the figure, whacking its head clean off.

“Whew, about time you hit that thing!” Bailey rebuked them.

“We thought maybe you wanted to hit it,” the others dissolved in laughter.

Before Bailey could come up with a retort, more AbraCadavers began stumbling into the gym. 

“Rule #1!” Kim mobilized first, “Time for Thursday sprints!”

They raced into the street, running near the water. The edge of the Indian River was swarming with ZomZoms, and they were forced back inland, panting and sweating.

“Do you think all those Zombos used to be people trying to boat across the river?” Aiden braced his hands on his knees, gasping.

“Why would they have resorted to boating when the causeway is so close?” Kim had resumed normal breathing.

“Especially when they could have chosen a helicopter,” Cooper wheezed.

“Do you think something’s happened to the NASA Causeway?” Bailey spoke everyone’s concern aloud.

“Only one way to find out,” Aiden shrugged.

They had left all their belongings, few as they may have been, in the gym, and the group moved silently, absorbed in their own thoughts.

“Those Pringles would be nice right about now,” Cooper commented.

They passed convenient stores, gas stations, and supermarkets, but everything was empty or overtaken by Zombreros. As they continued up the coast, they ventured down to glimpse the water and, hopefully, the causeway.

The NASA Causeway had collapsed. 

Not only was the roadway in ruin, but Bro-Zs swarmed the coastline, milling about and preventing any sort of water transport. 

Bailey looked close to tears, “Is there another bridge?”

“The Kennedy Parkway is probably the closest,” Aiden considered, “Although we’d have to travel a good distance up the coast, cross, and then circle back down to get to the Air Force Station. I’m not sure how long it would take.”

“And who knows if that crossing is still intact? I’m sure people, vehicles, and Z-Threats have been overwhelming all roads across the water.” Kim had lost her usual exuberance.

“Well, I know it’s not ideal,” Aiden hesitated, “I wouldn’t even mention it if I thought we had another choice… but we are right next to the Space Coast Regional Airport.”

Cooper sprung up, “Wait, do you mean–?”

“Yeah. There’s a helicopter training academy there.”

“YES!” Cooper fist pumped the air, “Get to the choppa!”

Kim and Bailey had paled. 

Cooper practically danced the short journey to the airport, excitedly muttering about “the copter”, “whirlybird”, and “mister pilot, sir”. They found 3 helicopters lined up, seemingly untouched and ready for flight. Cooper picked the one on the left and climbed eagerly inside. The others followed more slowly. 

“Are we sure about this?” Bailey gulped.

“At least we don’t have any breakfast to throw up,” Aiden winked.

“Ohhh God,” Kim whimpered. 

Cooper was opening the throttle and pulling up the collective control before the group was even settled. He pressed the left foot pedal and the helicopter lifted off the ground, then came smashing down again.

“Oops, sorry,” Cooper called to the others, “I couldn’t believe we were flying! I won’t let go next time.”

“You’re not instilling confidence, man,” Aiden hastily moved to the co-pilot position, snapping on his seatbelt.

“Ah, come on, let me enjoy this,” Cooper raised the helicopter up off the ground again, this time continuing skyward.

They soared through the sky, crossing the Indian River and heading straight for the Air Force Station. After a few moments without crashing, the others cautiously peered out the windows.

“Oh wow, this is beautiful,” Bailey breathed.

“It sure is something,” Aiden agreed. “You can’t even tell the world’s gone to shit from up here.”

“Whiskey tango foxtrot,” Cooper began repeating frantically.

“What! What’s going on Cooper? What’s wrong?” Kim poked her head into the cockpit. “Cooper is that the Spacecraft in front of us? We’re going to crash into it!”

“I know, I know, it’s fine, we’re fine,” Cooper was anxiously adjusting the cyclic, “I um, just can’t seem to turn this thing.”

“You what!”

Aiden began flipping through a training manual, “Use the foot pedals!”

The Spacecraft loomed closer and at the last second the helicopter turned aside, narrowly avoiding a crash.  

Cooper whooped, “That was close! Lighten up guys, at least we know they haven’t left for Mars without us.”

Aiden was calling instructions for landing as the helicopter swayed dangerously. They had moved far enough away from the Spacecraft that this was no longer an issue, however Cooper had over compensated and they were heading back towards the water. Kim gagged, trying not to vomit, and Bailey had her eyes squeezed shut. They started descending, fast, and Cooper lost control of the tail-rotor, resorting on the use of autorotation to land. They spun, bounced off the ground, and slammed sideways through Hangar AE, breaking the windows and landing with the helicopter on its side.

“Any landing you walk away from is a good landing,” Cooper claimed triumphantly.

Reassured that they were alive and on the ground, Bailey opened her eyes. They had crashed into a vending machine and a snack pack of Original Pringles was in her lap.

“Ew, gross,” she remarked, and threw them at Cooper.