The Comtemptuos Competition of Burger vs Pringle

Two professors who despised one another taught at the quaint but prestigious ivy-covered Brighton University in Cheddar, Scotland- Professors Hamilton Burger and Pennelopy Pringle.

Their hatred for one another started the day they were first introduced. When Professor Pringle asked Professor Burger about his studies, she smirked when he replied, “The study of Historical Artifacts and their Effect on History.” Loathing filled his eyes and heart. He vowed never to speak to her again.

Professor Burger is a lanky fellow with an Ichabod Crane Adam’s apple. He has a shock of unruly straw-blonde hair and wears round black-rimmed eyeglasses. These magnify his eyes to the extent that a person is never really sure if Burger is looking at them or past them. Because his first name is Hamilton, all his students call him Professor Ham Burger.

Professor Penelope Pringle, how would I describe Professor Pringle? Her face looks as if someone has stuffed her head into one of those old-fashioned wringer-washing machines. She looks pinched as well as sour. She is a stern, no-nonsense woman whose penchant for complex statistical models is as dry as the Saharan Desert. Her students have a nickname for her as well. It’s Prudenelopy Pringle.

Each year, the university offers a grant for the Innovations in Ostentatious Research. A grant so elusive it has only been awarded to the most baffling and eccentric research projects. This very grant shall launch the war between Burger and Pringle, which will be remembered forever in the annual of Brighton Univesity.

On the day of registration, Burger and Pringle arrive at the office’s door simultaneously.   The air around them is thick with contempt. They stand nearly shoulder to shoulder as though frozen in place. Burger refuses to enter first, for it would be unmanly for him to enter before a woman. Pringle decides to make Burger invite her to go first, thus forcing him to have to speak to her. A full minute passes before Burger simply steps back.   Shoulders slumping, Pringle enters. This time, it is  Burger who smirks.  The attendant behind the window asks, “May I help you?”

“Yes. I want an application form for the Innovations in Ostentatious Research grant, please.” Pringle then nods with an air of confidence. The young lady turns to Professor Burger. “And are you planning to enter as well, Professor Burger?” Reaching up and tugging his earlobe, Burger replies dryly, “No.”

Pringle glances to one side, her eyes sparkling with delight.

Burger then adds, “ Actually, I am planning on winning. Might I have a form?”

Pressing her lips so tightly together that they appear as a pencil line drawn across her face, Pringle “Hummfs” loudly. “That is somewhat presumptuous of you, is it not Professor Burger?” Burger thanks the young lady for the form and leaves the office without a word to Pringle.

Part of the form is to describe what the research will be on. Burger titled his research paper “The Link Between Eating Pungent Blue or Mature Camembert Cheese Before Bedtime Causing Outlandish Dreams and Nightmares.”  In contrast, Pringle titled hers “A Correction from the Big Bang Theory to the Spectacular Flatulence Theory.” This is partly due to her belief that most of the material expelled into the universe were gases. Thus, the gauntlet is thrown, and the challenge is accepted.

Over the following weeks, Burger was often found in the university library surrounded by dusty old books and manuscripts on cheesemaking. He even went so far as to hold a Cheese-Making Gala in the University’s courtyard to win the grant committee’s attention on camembert cheese. He had lectures at length on how eating such a cheese as a late-night snack can not only cause indigestion but vivid dreams and night horrors to boot!  Its low fiber and high fat content raise the body temperature, causing a dreamscape of chaos and confusion. All this research got him a new nickname, Professor Cheese Burger. 

While scouring for information, Burger found an article in a very obscure paper that the great American author Egar Allen Poe used to enjoy nibbling a nighttime snack of camembert cheese with a bottle or two of wine. Professor Burger then went through some of the most pains-taking efforts to tie together Poe’s eating of this cheese to his writings on the macabre. Stating that when people have such vivid and vibrant dreams, they often wake up throughout the night with the dream still clearly in their heads. Poe probably wrote these dreams down for later use. To make the camembert cheese the primary precursor of the situation, Burger left out the fact that Poe was an alcoholic and abuser of other potent drugs. 

During this time, Professor Burger became aware of a stocky little man who walked with a waddle, wearing round spectacles much like his own on chubby cheeks and a professor’s cap and gown. He had never seen him before and gave him little thought.

Professor Pringle began her research with her typical no-nonsense approach. There are statistical complexities, flow charts, power points, and long, heavily laden lectures of vast theories that could quickly put an insomniac in a deep coma.   The main gist of her research lies in the idea that instead of a big bang starting the universe, it was more of a” phsst.” She goes on to claim that instead of a massively heavy and extremely hot molecule of matter exploding into space, it was more of a pin-prick hole, and cosmic anus if you will, that jettisoned tremendous amounts of gas containing all the building blocks needed to start the galaxies and universes. The whole bag of marbles wafted through the vacuum of space as it seeped into the fabric of anti-matter and created man. Professor Pringle states that if you look at what the human body is composed of, it is evident that we too are part and parcel of the universe. She says that we add to those building blocks every time we expel gas and build more galaxies, though some remain trapped in our underwear. A student turns to his classmate at this lecture, “Ted, you’re a Christian, right? Do you believe that God farted you into existence?”

One day, while working out a mathematical problem in the library, she noticed a rather odd-looking fellow professor staring at her. He is short and has a strange tint to his complexion. She feels compelled to nod in acknowledgment as he smiles, his arms folded inward, resting on the table. “What a distasteful chap!” she thought and dismissed him.

After all their intense weeks of work, they hand in their thesis, and the judging takes place. The study hall hums with excitement. Pringle and Burger sit straight as arrows in the chairs, each refusing to look at the other. Finally, a judge approaches the microphone, and a hush falls over the hall.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce this year’s winner of the coveted Innovations in Ostentatious Research Grant!” The crowd claps excitedly.

“For his compelling and undeniable conclusions, this year’s grant goes to ( having heard the judge say “his” Professor Burger has already started to stand) Professor Phineas Croaker for his thesis, “I Am a Toad!”

Entering from the left-hand side of the stage, Professor Croaker waddles to the center and stands stock still. Suddenly, standing in just a pair of speedos, Croaker throws off his cap and gown and displays his toad-like body. He stretches his arms out and begins revolving in place so that everyone can see how much he is like a toad.   It is genuinely remarkable right down to the webbed fingers and toes.

The auditorium busts out in loud gaffes of whoops and laughter. Some people stand and applaud while others run for the exits.

Professors Burger and Pringle mouths gape open as they find they can only stare in disbelief.