The last Farewell

The Last Farewell 

By LaShawn Baker

Jan sat at the end of the back pew. She watched as everyone made their resolutions to her father and loved on her mother. Jan did not move or react to either. She watched them her siblings crying and playing the role they were handed. Sue, the older sister always doing the right thing, basically she was a snitch often telling the other three children to cover up her own shit. 

Then there was Bailey, oh Ms. Bailey the second oldest-middle child, the peacemaker, and many times over shadowed by Jan and Sean he was the youngest.

Of course Sean was Momma’s favorite, he could rob, steal, and burn down our small town and they would forgive him. Bailey was really my favorite as a child butt that only lasted until our teenage years after I came out to her. I did not expect her to tell everyone but what did I know. 

I wasn’t like them and they made sure to tell me daily how much I wasn’t. Dad (Milton) as I call him would take to praying over me. Like GOD could change me. Mom now Mary would ignore me saying your child to Milton and get your sister or whomever she is this week.

As the casket closed and everyone started to file out of the church I sat with my face turned to the wall. I heard some of them whispering, “Isn’t that Jan the lesbin?” I mean his daughter, one lady said, walked by me.

Mary, Sean, Bailey, and Sue filed out, Mary leaning on Sean and Sue faking her tears as she walked out of the church. I noticed as she got closer to the door her sobs would tune-up. 

I laughed behind my hand as Sean rolled his eyes at Sue. Bailey did as she always did looking shy and at the floor to avoid anyone eyes 

Still I waited…. Looking at the wall hoping my presence was not known by anyone. My luck ran out when my Aunt Emily touched me on the shoulder. “Child, come on it's ok to say your respects. Aunt Emily was the only one that showed me that it was ok to be me. 

Her soft old hand took mine and I let her see my tears... Auntie Em, I respect you for coming to me and I love you for always being on my side. But you and I both know that if Mary sees me there will be a scene.

She swore my sexual orientation killed him, and broke his heart. 

Child you know Mary is just mean, that's your father you should say something. Gripping her hand I said, I will just not now. OK. Shaking her head, and in her Auntie Em fashion  she placed a kiss and a pat on my head like I was five years old again. She would be the person I missed the most.

Making my way to the cemetery I watched them. The dramatic ending was going to start and I wanted to see the season finale. 

Bailey, as if sensing my presence, looked across the cemetery and offered me a teary smile and nodded my direction but quickly shook her head no, indicating I should not approach, as if I would. I didn’t smile, I just nodded my response and pulled my hoodie over my purple and green hair and stepped behind a tombstone that ready Here lies beloved husband, father, brother and son, “Thomas Williams” Sunraise 1918 sunset 1999. Damn Tommy I whispered you almost made it to a century. Rest in peace ole-man I hope you where everything my father was not. 

The cries became louder and Mary, and Sue received an academy award for their performance. Their wailing was over the top even Sean laughed behind his hand giving them an applause behind their backs, Bailey let her wide brim hat fall over her eyes faking at whipping a tear away. 

I could help but laugh at the comedy. 

I hung back with old Mr. Williams, until they returned to the family cars. Once the family and on-lookers faded out. I approached the pile of dirt. Hey Milton, it's me Jan, I wasn’t sure you would recognize me with my new hair. 

I wanted to let you know I am OK and I forgive you for how you treated me. Yes the beatings and prayers left a mark on my heart but I am stronger, I saw Mary and Sue  playing the loving wife and grieving daughter over you. I hope you had a front row seat at the play. 

      “Anyway I got your letter and yes I was surprised to say the least. Shit I was shocked that you even knew where I was living. I know you expected me to disobey you but  I did as you asked and stayed in the background. I did not say anything at your funeral, and I did not approach your family. It's funny saying your family like it's not mine too. But I guess I stopped being a part of y’all on my 17th birthday. Milton I want you to know that I will honor your wishes. I will depart from this town and stay away from your family. But I just wanted you to know if “ You” had not requested my presence at your burial I would not be here now. 

Milton, as your daughter I hope you rest in peace and I wish you would have taken to time to know the person I became.”

Jan turned from the pile of daughter and flowers and walked back to the car waiting on her. Entering the limo Jan driver handed her a plan envelope. Inside she found a handwritten note from Milton. 

Looking at the driver, who gave this to you? 

Your fathers lawyer. He was instructed to give it to you after you paid your respects. 

  Jan, I know you have not expected this but I wanted to say I am sorry and thank you for doing as I asked. Enclosed you will find a bank draft for your share of my estate. I have instructed my attorney to void the check if you try to return it. 

I know I was cruel to you and at the end of my life I can only wish that I handled things differently but what did I tell you. Mouthing the words “The plans of mice and men never come to no good end.” Tears came with ease, as she continued to read on. I know I told you not to come home but I watched you from a fair and I am proud of the person you are. The reason I did not want you to be a part of the family service is because they are as they always have been and would not appreciate you. Please know I love your dearly never look back and never return Dad.

Folding the letter inside her hoodie pocket. Wiping at the tears that ushered her healing, Jan instructed the driver to drive her to the airport. Looking back at the cemetery she said her last good-bye to Milton (her father) and the town she grew up in.