This Ain't Kansas

‘What do you call that thing when it’s a follow up to a book or a movie?’

‘You mean… a sequel?’

‘Yeah, that’s it. So I’ve been thinking about it. What we need is a sequel to that one about the girl, the dog, the tin man, the scarecrow, the lion, the two witches and a wizard.’

‘A sequel to the Wizard of Oz? Are you crazy? You ain’t no Frank Baum.’

‘I mean, isn't anyone curious what happened after? It’s all very well they got what they wanted, but sometimes things don’t work the way people think. You know, unintended consequences. That’s a very unsatisfactory ending, leaving them dangling out there like that..’

‘Well I’ve never heard anyone say that. I would think that everyone else finds it a most satisfactory ending. The bad witch melts, the girl goes home, and everyone’s happy. It’s a very happy ending.’

‘But what if it’s like the guy who wins the lottery and he ends up a bum?’

‘So for example?’

‘Well, see the girl, Dorothy, runs away because they’re going to put her dog down for biting this wealthy dame…I mean, what happens if the dog, Toto right? is so traumatized by its visit to Oz that it comes back and it bites whatsername Aunty Em, and the aunt gets a septic infection and dies. That wizard was really scary at first and those flying monkeys. Some people can’t watch that bit, you know. Gave me the heebie jeebies, and he’s just a little dog. Plus! That tin guy gets a brain, but who’s going to employ something that clanks around looking like an oil can? Ever think about that? And now he’s smart enough to realize he’s a reject. It’s sad.’  

‘Well, I guess you have a point there, but I’m not sure anyone would want to read your sequel. It sounds pretty bleak.’

‘Not if the four of them go back along the yellow brick road and find a whole country full of tin people and he fits in. Even better, maybe becomes the ruler because he’s so smart with his brain. And he gets married and there’s little oily cans. That’s a way better ending’

‘Wait a minute. You got that wrong. Wasn’t it the scarecrow that wanted a brain and the tin man a heart?’

‘Same thing. I wouldn’t want to work next to anything liable to burst into flames… So they discover a world full of scarecrows and he gets to be scarecrow king, and the tin guy gets a heart BUT he falls in love with the first thing he sees like a little baby duck. And it’s… Dorothy. He’s smitten. So at first she really doesn’t like this thing clanking around after her and is about to get a restraining order, but then Aunty Em dies…’

‘Because of Toto, right?’

‘Yeah. Even though he's madly in love, the tin man decides he should look after Dorothy. And he can never die so she never has to be alone. Its dry in Kansas isn't it, so he won't rust away? See the aunt was old, wasn’t she, and probably soon to pass on anyway. That’s a much better ending.

‘And the lion?’

‘Yeah, that’s the worst part of the ending. What’s a lion supposed to do in Kansas? He’d be shot on sight. Its still the Great Depression right? They're in the dust bowl and all hungry. They'd probably eat him. No. He needs rescuing to a wildlife sanctuary, where he could use his courage to fight off the young males and have a wife and cubs. He would be the king of the jungle. Or there’s this other place with a different witch, and this time a wardrobe…

‘Okay, I’ll admit either of those are better than getting eaten.’

‘And what about the wizard? Dorothy jumps out of his hot air balloon to go after the dog, and then the balloon gets blown away with just him on board, and we never see him again. He wasn’t such a bad guy once they got to know him. It’s not fair he could end up coming down in ice fields or molten lava or a busy intersection.’

‘So where would you have him land?’

‘Stands to reason… Where there's other wizards. He would appear above Hogwarts during a game of what’s that? Quidditch? Harry could accidentally pierce the balloon with his broomstick and he would float to the ground to come face to face with good old Maggie Smith. The wizards have their own library and everything there. That’s much better than leaving him floating about. Course we would have to talk to J.K. about it. See it also makes sense because Harry is a lot like Dorothy.’

‘What? Now I’ve never heard someone say that before. How do you come to that conclusion?’

‘Well Potter is an orphan isn’t he? And it’s never explained why Dorothy was living with her aunt and uncle was it? Or did I miss that? Unless they were deadbeats that just dropped her off, we have to assume she was an orphan as well, which is sad.’

‘Well then you will have to come up with a more satisfactory explanation than having to live with two old people in the middle of nowhere, then the aunt dying from a dog bite and being looked after by an infatuated oil can’.

‘Well that could be simple due to the timing of the movie…’

‘1939?’

‘Yeah, it was released a month before WWII was declared in the UK, wasn't it? I’m thinking Dorothy’s parents were brave and decided to help with the war effort in Europe long before the U.S. came into it after Pearl Harbor. They left her where they thought she would be the most safe in a non-industrialized part of the States. That’s much better than just not mentioning them. So when the war is over, they return. We can have Dorothy running along the dirt road to greet them, arms outstretched. Then we can keep that quote from the first movie.’

‘Which one is that?’

‘When the parents get to pick up Dorothy and twirl her around and say “There’s no place like home.’

‘Well that sounds like a tidy way to finish up your sequel. It's not so bad.’

‘I thought so, so now I’m working on this other one that was also shot in 1939 in Georgia instead of Kansas with Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh. It was called…’

‘Don’t tell me.’