Dad's Last Christmas

Dad’s Last Christmas

My dad just died. He was supposed to die at Christmas, but things happened. Good things. He still died of cancer but he had an extra 9 months that was good for all of us. It was a bit bizarre and certainly unexpected. My mom, my sister, and I were all estranged from Dad and simply expected to hear that he had died in the VA hospital. Like I said, things happened.

My parents were not divorced but they were separated and lived in different houses. Dad just became irascible, too much so. He never physically beat Mom, but he was always yelling at her and making her life, our lives unpleasant. While Sherry and I were still home, Mom found refuge in caring for us and we found refuge in her love. But, as life would have it, we grew up. Eventually, Mom had had enough and, by coincidence Dad discovered he had PTSD. The Vietnam war had been horrible for him, too many battles, too many deaths on both sides. He never wanted to kill anyone, but he had a strong will to survive and that kept him alive.

When he returned from war, he went to work for IBM as a salesman and did very, very well “Tom, I am promoting you to Marketing Manager in Phoenix.” “Tom, I am promoting you to Branch Manger in Denver.” “Congratulations Tom, you are being promoted to Regional Manager in Los Angeles.” “Tome, you are moving up to Vice President in White Plains.” Lots of moves and substantial income. With that, came lots of pressure. Dad didn’t know he had PTSD and didn’t realize that he was growing angrier and angrier. But, the people at IBM noticed and one day he had a “counseling” session with the CEO.

“Tom, you have done really well for yourself and for IBM. You have been a fastback and we have all been impressed with your performance. But, something has gone wrong. We have actually received more than one complaint, mostly about how you treat your people. How you talk to them principally. At your level, we no longer do “improvement plans. So, I am going to offer you a retirement plan, a very generous plan with 10 years added to your vesting record. Would you like to accept that?”

Dad resisted a little bit, but it was IBM and he knew he was done.. The company asked him to take a physical on the way out the door and at the physical the doctor surprised him. “Mr. Allen, I know you were in Vietnam but you are not signed up for the Veterans Administration.”

“C’mon Doc, the VA is joke, a nightmare.”

“Well, Mr. Allen, I am a vet also and I had the very same feelings. Then, in the late ‘90s some very unhappy and dynamic vets turned everything around. Truly. Some of the very best hospitals in the US, perhaps in the world are VA medical centers associated with world class research hospitals like the San Franciso Med Center with UCSF and the Palo Alto Med Center with Stanford. I cannot imagine that you don’t have PTSD. I see the symptoms easily and I believe it is a primary reason you are “leaving” IBM. Here is the card for a local VA Support Center. I realize that you didn’t really need it, but you probably qualify for disability payment. I highly recommend that you go see them as it could change your life.”

Mom encouraged him to do it, but he had no intent of joining the VA. San Francisco was one of Mom and Dad’s most favorite vacation spots, so they decided to mover there. They bought a very nice house in Sausalito, a funky little hillside town overlooking the San Francisco Bay featuring many Mediterranean style homes. Dad designed an office where he spent time day trading. In fact, he was very successful at day trading and built a small fortune.

But he grew more and more irritable and abusive. Mom loved him but then she reached that point where she had had enough.  He bought a comparable home for her not too far away in Sausalito and she moved. They maintained an infrequent relationship, going out to dinner occasionally (Sausalito had so many good restaurants.)

Both Sherry and I had inherited our parents’ smarts and wound up in great schools. I achieved a law degree from Harvard and Sherry managed a Ph.D. in computer science from Stanford. My law firm was in Washington, D.C. and Sherry worked for a hyper secret software company in Austin, Texas. Essentially, we were an estranged family. I didn’t see Sherry often, but certainly more that I saw either of my parents. I was married to my high school sweetheart and we had two children. Sherry had recently become engaged and had a wedding planned for June of next year.

It was on December 1 that I received a phone call from Dad. “Carl?”

“Hi Dad.”

“I do hate to bother you with this but…I was just diagnosed at the VA with melanoma. They removed the lesion but are afraid that it has metastasized and they project that I ‘might’ live another month.’ I’m hoping to get through Christmas.”

“Which leads me to why I am calling. I realize it’s a lot to ask, but I do love you and Sherry. I hope that you could bring your family to Sausalito for a few days at Christmas. You know that I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused, but I really need to spend at least a little time with you two, and Mom, before I die. I am not afraid of dying, actually welcome it. But, please, I need to spend a little time with my family before I pass.”

“I have shared this already with Mom and she has agreed to stay with me for a few days at Christmas. She might even stay with me to the end.” Dad’s voice was subdued and it sounded like he was on the verge of tears.

“God, Dad, this is terrible. I am really sorry. Really, I am. I will talk this over with Teresa, but I am sure she will agree. We were just talking about going somewhere for Christmas. Of course, this won’t be the same as St. Moritz, but both Teresa and Johnny will love Sausalito, and, Dad, I look forward to seeing you at Christmas at least one more time. Christmas was always the best growing up. Teresa is out with some friends, but I will talk with her when she gets home and call you later tonight. The three hour difference makes it easy. Take care, Dad. I will talk you with in few hours.”

“Great Carl. I would be so happy to see you.”

About 30 minutes later, I got a call from a crying Sherry. She was very upset. “Carl, are you going to go? Please do, I am. I have talked with Steven and he is up for it. Of course, he doesn’t know Dad, but Steven is a good man.”

“Hi Sherry. Well, such bad news. It’s been so long since we have all been together and I wish we didn’t have to gather for this reason. But, there you have it. Teresa is out but will be back soon. I will discuss it with her. I am sure that she will agree to go and take Johnny. But, Sherry, I just haven’t had time to distill this, to let it sink in. I had such a bad relationship with Dad and yet, well, he is our Dad and he meant a lot to us. He did provide well for us and we did have some wonderful times. So, I would like to hang up now before I start crying too.”

“Ah, OK, Carl, well, I am a mess anyway. Will you call me tomorrow? You can call me at work.”

Carl replied quickly. “Sure, talk to you tomorrow. Good night. And, Sherry, I love you.”

Sherry was crying so hard that Carl just hung up.

Of course, we both agree to go to Sausalito for Christmas. We timed our trips so that we both arrived at SFO airport at the same time and I rented an SUV. Off we went to Sausalito. Johnny was dazzled by the Golden Gate Bridge. But when we took the exit, Alexander, to Sausalito and we came around the curve that opens to Richardson Bay and Raccoon Straits, Johnny was just blown away. “Dad, I want to live here,”  he was so excited.

It was three days before Christmas and it was also Sherry’s birthday; so, we all went out to dinner. Dad looked great and so did Mom. We went to their favorite little Italian pizzeria which was owned and cheffed by couple of fascinating people who had moved from the Dolomites.

“Dad, you are looking so good,” said Sherry. “I expected you to look thin and pale and fragile.”

“Ha ha,” replied Dad. “I am pleased to hear that. I do wonder when I will start showing the effects, but so far so good. Of course, you are looking as beautiful as ever, maybe more so. What do you think Stephen.”

“Most beautiful woman in the world,” replied Steve. “Well, perhaps with the exception of her mother.”

“Ha ha ha, Steven,” replied my mother. “Well, thank you. I am afraid, however, that my years are showing.”

“Allison, you too are as beautiful as ever. I think Carl, Steven and I are the luckiest guys around“ said Dad.

And it went on like that for the evening. All a good time, no explosions, no contentions, nothing but high spirits and love. I was grateful the trip started out that way.

We decided that we would all, including Mom, stay at Dad’s place. After all, he was dying and we had no idea what might happen, Mom is a fantastic cook, Sherry inherited her skills and Teresa turned out to be a master chef. Leading up to Christmas, we all ate very well. Dad bought Johnny an early Christmas present, a fantastic skateboard. He took Johnny and me to a skateboard park in Mill Valley that was well designed and popular. Steven came along and we all marveled how quickly Johnny got good on the skateboard. Johnny was in heaven.

Then Christmas Day came. I was dreading it. I just didn’t know what to expect from Dad, how he would behave, how emotional he would become and if he would cause confrontations and anger.. We had one of those “way too many presents” Christmases. It was great fun. Then we sat down to an incredible feast prepared by all three women. Such and unreal treat.

We had Dom Pérignon, quite a bit actually, and I became very concerned. Dad seemed to be OK and then he rang his fork against a glass and called for attention. I shuddered, then felt calm, peace. It was the look on Dad’s face.

“My first thought is ‘Thank you all for coming.’ You cannot know how deeply I feel this, how much this means to me and how much I appreciate your presence. It is so wonderful to meet Teresa and Steven and the great skateboarding giant, Johnny. You are an impressive athlete Johnny. As your dad was a few years ago.

As you all know, I am not a maudlin person, I am an angry person with an occasional sense of humor. I am also a different person. The VA knows an awful lot about PTSD and trust me, the D stands for disorder. Still and all, there is not excuse for my behavior over the years. PTSD provides some explanation, but no excuse. It solely rests on me. The last few years have been very difficult while working through therapy, to see my family disappear and worst of all , to face myself and what I have wrought. I am so very, very sorry and truly beg for your forgiveness. In the days before I left IBM and shortly after when I was at my very worst, I simply felt a little confusion and so much anger. What I have gone through in these intervening years, as I mentioned, has been very painful. Yet, it has brought me peace. I know that I brought a great deal of pain to you, the very people who loved me. There is no way I can change that or make it up to you. Your presence here on Christmas Day is the greatest blessing in my life other than just your mere existence. I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world who has stayed by me even though she had to move out in order to survive. Isn’t it so good that she is here tonight?”

That comment was accompanied by lots of yells, applause and clinking of glasses. Dad paused and looked around the room. We were all amazed because we had never seen him cry before.

He continued, “It’s actually amazing. In spite of my terrible behavior, hell, maybe even because of it, I turned out to be somewhat successful at IBM. More importantly, in the last few years I have been even more successful at day trading. I had never considered it before, but once I started, it became relatively, then very, easy. I am now a wealthy man. I think, “Wow, I can leave all this money to my family. Then, I think about Mom, Carl, and Sherry. Then, I think about Teresa and Steven. Wow, again, they are so blessed, so intelligent, so competent that they will be successful in whatever they do. They will not need my money. My first thought then was, “Well, I will just give it away.”

“I never liked that idea. You put up with so much from me. It not that you have to be paid for doing that, but it’s just part of our legacy that you accept the wealth and decide for yourselves what you want to do with. Of course, I have written a comprehensive will that essentially shares the wealth three ways. I felt as if Mom really deserves most it but then I realized that she would not agree with that. So, it’s split. I have asked my lawyer to send Mom, Carl and Sherry a copy of my will so that you will know what to expect.”

“But, the most important thing is that you are here. You are the wealth I treasure the most. I am comfortable, but in the time remaining, I need your love. It’s all I ever really dreamed off. As badly as I behaved as you kids were growing up, your presence, our family, my wife were the most important things in my life. The time we spend together was worth so much more than any day that I spent at IBM. I love you all, even you, Teresa and Steven.”

The room had grown very quiet. Johnny jumped up and ran to Dad, wrapping his arms around him and crying on his shoulder. I know he didn’t really understand what Dad was referring to, but he did feel the love, the sorrow and remorse in Dad’s little speech.

Of course, we all gave Dad a hug and kind words. The evening sort of leveled out quietly and soon Christmas was over.

Sherry and I left a couple of days later and Mom decided to move back in to be with Dad until he died. Funny, that turned out to be a lot longer than anybody expected. His VA doctors were blown away as Dad continued to appear healthy, even robust until late the following September. In the last week of September, he became very ill and passed away. In the meantime, we saw him and Mom frequently. They travelled a lot together and their relationship was probably equal only to the days of courtship. Johnny loved his grandfather so much and was devastated when he passed. Dad and Mom got to attend Sherry and Steven’ wedding. They had a small intimate wedding outdoors in San Franciso at Immigrant Point. It was beautiful and inspiring.

At the wedding, Dad told me that he had read a book a few years back called, “Rules for a Knight.” He said that from that point on, he tried to live like a Knight. He had succeeded.

Ralph Barhydt

December 29, 2022