Finally Falling

I can only remember the romanticized version of our first date. It was a humid Spring afternoon. We walked side by side through a thrift store, I mentioned how much I loved exploring old stores and you were quick with a suggestion. We took the bus to an ugly little place with the cutest stuffed animal collection. I was in love. We left without buying anything – I didn’t have cash and wouldn’t let you pay for me. Feeling accomplished with our window-shopping we smiled as we headed to our original destination.

The sun was setting, bathing the park in warmth. It began to drizzle but we didn’t care. To us, the playground was the place to be. We ran down the platforms and swung high on the swings like children. You liked it when I slid down the pole. Go figure.

When we exhausted ourselves it occurred to me to climb a beautiful willow tree. I then forgot I'm afraid of heights and that the tree was at a slope going down the muddy hill. We laughed as I fell on you and ruined our clothes. I smiled. I smiled. And with you, another man, I let my fears wash away. Maybe we could be more than friends.

That’s the only good memory I have of us together. You catching me felt very metaphorical. I even wrote poems about it. You painted and drew me on mediums I would never see.

I treated you as well as I could. Looking back, I should have been better to you. I had more issues than you did, but made everything about me, made everything an issue.

Your family was always iffy about me. I loathe your disrespectful, son of shit, MACHISTA father for disrespecting my mother. I hated that your mom apologized for him. Your father was disrespectful to you, prideful when you needed help.

Your friends intruded in our relationship. They stole your phone multiple times to call me and when I wouldn’t answer they called me off blocked numbers and stalked me on social media.

You befriended my ex, someone I tried to get out of my life for so long and lied about staying in touch with him.

You befriended the man that tried to kidnap you, texted him even after he stalked us and threatened our lives and the people we love.

You were more feminine than me and it made me very uncomfortable. You were also supposed to be stronger than me.

You fetishized me and what I liked, what I wanted to be. I felt like I was around my perverted cousin.

You tried to be friends with the coven that tried to kill me.

You revealed our intimate secrets to your friend that told YOUR ex.

You tried to have me get into a threesome with your crush…

You stalked me and continued to text my friends every time I broke up with you until I unblocked you and spent time with you.

You weren’t a bad man; you were made to go through a lot of crap. I didn’t make it any better.

• I was difficult, opinionated and remain to struggle with my bipolarity.
• I never tried to mend fences with your friends.
• I cheated on you once in college.
• I was constantly dismissive.
• I didn’t like you touching me.
• I hated the way you smelled; it was like dying cherry blossoms.
• I flirted with your gross ex to make you break up with me, all be it unsuccessfully.
• I enjoyed our time apart.
• You tried to match my sexual appetites.

I’m sorry for constantly breaking your heart.

I’m sorry for only wanting you when I couldn’t have you.

You tried really hard and I never appreciated that when we were together.

Your psychic friend might have thought we were soulmates (she said your soul was light enveloping a spit of darkness and that mine was dark drowning a shimmer of light) and that we would destroy each other. She treated us like a damn case study! And what kind of love is that?

We shared our traumas with each other, but that is all we were able to share. I couldn’t give myself to you and I hated myself for it. I hurt you and you didn’t deserve it, but I still couldn’t do it.

Neither of us deserved this cruel, manipulative relationship. I was slowly breaking you for my amusement and you kept me close just so you wouldn’t have to lose anyone else…

Writing this in my journal (and now typing it out) makes me smile: you finally have someone that values you in a way I couldn’t.

I forgive you for everything I previously mentioned and even for making me bleed. *a story for another time*

In our last conversation, you told me once you forgave me for everything I’ve done and I’m grateful for that.

However, I didn’t want to be friends.

We always bought out the worst in each other. I resented you always for stupid shit and you took too much of my crap.

Our last reconciliation and goodbye were amicable and there’s no reason to push it. Being adults about our separation does not mean that we have to stay in contact, in fact, it means we should keep our distance. I never, ever want to be who I was when I was with/near you. You didn't have to keep me in your life. Why did you want to keep me.

When you left I was DESTROYED. You didn't want me as yours anymore. I've been replaced. And the crashing of my phone against that empty classroom wall echoes somewhere in my memory. I was in so much pain. My chest was caving in. My tears were endless. I couldn't keep a straight face in class.

And it finally hit me in the middle of lecture, I had fallen for you at last, but it was too late.

I folded my body inward and stayed like that for hours at night. But somehow I had to find the will to live.

It was impossible, but I found peace. I learned to care for you and wished you well in my dreams. I prayed for you and finally let you go.

One day it opened a door for me. I learned compassion and how to love someone. You gave me a few things that I cherish to this day.

• My love for Japanese food. RAMEN!!!
• Gorey Anime.
• “Archer”

You got a great boyfriend You finally got yourself a boyfriend that loves you and cherishes you. Your family actually likes him. He can connect with you and care for you in a way I just couldn't.

When I finally let you go I was able to find my true soulmate.

I’m sorry I proposed to you just to keep you for myself. Thank you for rejecting me; I was a mess.

Luis and I are going to celebrate two years as a couple soon enough. He makes me feel beautiful even when I hate myself. He protects me from people that tried to hurt me. He keeps me warm at night even when we’re apart. I never felt this before in my life!

He is my “Sun and stars” y yo soy so rey.

Luis kissed my crooked face after it was paralyzed. He never forced me to do anything. He respects and cherishes my heart, soul, mind, and body even when I’m in my moods and especially when I feel like my body is rejecting me.

He makes me feel beautiful and I hold him close to my heart. We respect each other. Our loved ones respect our relationship and our boundaries. I miss his manly scent and his warm cuddles.

I love this man and you helped me find him. I will grateful to you always for this reason among others.

You will always have a place in my hear as the first real relationship I had and the person that taught me what love should be.

May I never see you again, and may the saints, goddesses, and spirits keep you and your loved ones safe. May you be blessed with happiness, and of course, with love.

First, I tried to fall, but I didn’t let let you catch me. 

Then, I fell, and you let me fly on my own.