Pulling the Veil from Mama's Eyes

I was in my teens when I realized my mother may not be who I thought she was when I was younger.

She was the most generous, thoughtful person I had ever known, and in fact, that stands true today. But, there were things that didn't add up to the person she appeared to be and as I got older, it seemed to get worse.

I began to notice that small things people said or did were taken out of context to exaggerate stories Mama told. Most of the time this was done to make her seem like the victim, other times it was to make her seem like a bad ass who would not take crap from anyone.

Throughout the years there were instances that showed me I could trust Mama to love my family and I unconditionally, but also that I couldn't take everything she said and did for what it was.

When I married, my husband and I had a very difficult time getting on our feet financially. Mama would make sure we had food, or diapers, or whatever we needed to get us by. In fact, if it weren't for her generosity, I really don't know where we would be now.

The issue of her downfalls really began to cross lines when I was in my mid thirties. My husband and I had finally gotten on our feet. We were in a really good area, and even planned on buying the home we were renting.

My husband had a great job and was doing so well he had just received a rather large pay increase that would allow us to finally get things we never had. Things like insurance, and having money left over after paying bills. All was well at home, but my husband worked at the same place as Mama.

Occasionally there were little spats between my husband and Mama, but they usually cleared themselves up when one or the other apologized after taking into consideration all the ripples that those squabbles caused between our very close family.

Eventually Mama's issues with needing to feel validated constantly, combined with her desire to have power over others and her way of exaggerating (and in some cases outright lying) about events that occurred became a real issue.

One week, my husband came home and told me Mama was on a rant at work again, yelling loudly at employees in front of everyone. She was the boss to some of these employees, but to others she was not. I shook my head and empathized with he and his co-workers dealing with the screaming I had known all through childhood.

'She is a good person, she just lacks self control when she thinks she is right', I said.

My husband agreed and that was the end of the conversation.

More and more frequently, my husband would come home telling me of the things Mama did at work. He told me of how she lied about him being mad at another employee for his check being wrong, when he absolutely was not angry. He told me of her wagging her finger in a co workers face while screaming about what he could not do. It was made clear that he was concerned for her mental health. His fear was that it would end up costing her her job, as well as relationships. I told him I was not worried that she was going crazy, she has just always been this way and that it would balance itself out eventually. My husband remained skeptical.

Just this week, my husband came home and told me that Mama flew off the handle about which order a certain work task should be done and he finally asked her what was wrong.

Now, something you should know about my husband is that he is very well spoken. When he speaks, his meaning is deliberate. He is calculated in choosing tone, and words precisely for the situation at hand. So when he told me that he had leaned in and whispered gently to Mama 'What's wrong? You don't seem as sharp as you used to. You don't seem to have the same self control', I believed he said it in just the way he relayed to me. I learned my mother screamed at him 'Get out of my office! Get out!' This is clearly irrational behavior. She obviously felt embarrassed that someone would call her out on her actions and did not know how to deal with it properly. It was too much for my husband and he simply told Mama he was going to call my dad.

Daddy is a born-again Christian with a heart of gold. He went from a drug-using alcoholic to clean and sober, kind and generous. I have always been a Daddy's girl, even through the tough times. Most of the time I was so young I did not know what was really going on. Once I got older I caught on, but Daddy was always protective and gentle with me, so I have always been close with him.

I looked out the window the afternoon my husband called my father over to discuss the situation with Mama with no knowledge of the day's events. In fact, it was so rare to see my husband come home early, and my father following right behind him that I became worried something terrible had happened. I walked outside and greeted Daddy and my husband and asked if everything was ok. Daddy said 'I think so,' and gesturing to my husband said 'he called me over here to talk.' One glance at my husband told me all I needed to know. Something else had happened at work with Mama.

I went inside and waited for the guys to finish talking and when my husband came in he filled me in on the conversation and the day's events. He said Daddy reckons Mama needs to start taking her hormone pills again, which made perfect sense. I am not sure what happened that night at Mama and Daddy's, but I was sure praying that my now gentle father put his foot down about Mama taking care of herself.

The following day provided no relief of the nonsense, as my husband came home once again, with tales of my mother's ridiculousness. This time, he told of how other employees informed him my mother was making phone calls to owners in the company making lying accusations about him. One employee told him she had to walk out on my mother as she attempted to trash-talk him to her.

I was so disappointed at this point that I was beginning to think things with Mama would be different forever, but at least my husband's job was safe. He had had a lengthy conversation with the president of the company that day, who made it clear he was doing a great job and attempted to offer advice on working with family members.

And here we are today. Valentine's Day. The day of love. First thing this morning I began cleaning the house and pondering what special dinner my husband and I could cook together. We had sent our usual good morning emails and all seemed well.

As 10:30 rolled around, I received an email entitled 'More Drama'.

Here we go, I thought and opened the email. Sadly, I learned that my mother had gone on yet another tirade. This time she insisted that her boss told her she was to be made the global administrator of a computer program. My husband complied to try to keep the peace, though he knew there was no need for this to be changed.

Once this change was made in the computer, my husband was locked out of his work email. I may mention that my husband's job is very demanding and he receives hundreds of emails a day, not to mention the office phone ringing off the hook with calls constantly for him. He learned that his boss had, in fact, NOT told my mother she needed to be changed to the global administrator.

Needless to say, my husband was extremely frustrated at this point. There must have been some words exchanged because the company president (who is very level-headed and kind) called both Mama and my husband into his office and said that if they cannot work out their differences, both of them would be fired.

The repercussions of my mother's selfish actions have drug my husband so far into this that his job is now in jeopardy.

We live in a small town and job opportunities like the one my husband has do not come by often. The good pay he has worked so hard for is also a rarity in this tiny town.

The home we have planned on buying from our landlord is priced much lower than most of this size, in this area and with this much land. This means our chance of buying a home will likely be pushed back by a few years. My husband is not the type to sit around with the possibility of getting fired, so as I type, he is updating his resume and looking for other jobs (no doubt in towns far from here) all because my mother cannot pull the veil from her eyes.

I love my mother very much. She is one of the few people I have in my circle. I am heartbroken at her sabotage and the fact that she has let her lack of self control bring down my family with her. I doubt she realizes she will not get to see her grand-babies on a regular basis. Or have family dinners, or Christmases together. Time will tell what the future holds. At this point, I literally have nothing left I can do but pray.