I, do solemnly swear

I was fixing my tie. As, I had never worn a tie in my life, I had no clue what I was doing. I kept putting it in a knot, then undoing the same knot and then redoing it. It was getting late and I had to leave to catch my bus. Why was it so important to wear a tie? The occasion calls for it. It was not every day that a person who you have held at the highest moral standards and have looked up to all your life, dies. On 18th September 2020, Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, breathed her last and tomorrow is her funeral. It's a sad day, definitely, but not just for one reason. Call me selfish, but as soon as I saw the devastating news on CNN, my first thought was "What are we going to do now?" We are going through the most tumultuous time in the history of US politics. Things are happening all around us which are making us question every belief we have ever had and held dear. And then she dies. The one person who held everyone accountable. Is it strange that I feel like I have just lost a parent?

Yes, I was mourning. I was completing my pre-Law in Political Science from Cornell and was recently accepted at Harvard Law School. Just like Madam Bader Ginsburg. I was a little obsessed with her you see.

I was already on my way to law school by the time I was 9. It was all that my father would ever talk about. I belong to a deeply political liberal family and for my old man the only way to fix the system was from inside. And I was supposed to be his tool. From the time I could remember I was told that I would be an attorney someday. Instead of your run-of-the-mill superhero my parents would dress me up as Justice Ginsburg on Halloween. It didn't matter that I was a boy and the neighbors judged them. I was read "To Kill a Mockingbird" as a bed time story. On Christmas day they would ask me recite the 10 constitutional rights for friends and family. They didn't care that I couldn't really say "constitution" and could only say "conftitufun" until I was 10 years old. Then there was the whole rebellious stage when I told them that I was going into corporate law and wouldn't pursue criminal law like they wanted me to. I know... my family was extremely unusual.

But my interest in Justice Ginsburg did not arise until I was 14. While on a vacation with my family in Santa Fe, New Mexico, in the summer of 2014, we saw Mrs. Ginsburg coming out of her hotel, in a floral-printed dress and a shawl. She was on her way for a walk. My father, her biggest fan, had a total meltdown on seeing her. I had never seen the big man speechless before. He always had something to add, a witty remark or an amusing anecdote. But that day, it looked like he was on the verge of bursting because he had so much to say but didn't know where to begin. My mother, very wisely ushered him away to a corner, asked him to do some deep breathing. We ended up finding out that Justice Ginsburg was in town on one of regular visits and that she will be speaking at a symposium "Risk & Reinvention: How women are changing the world." We had to bend our itinerary a little but we attended the discussion in which the Justice spoke so candidly about her life and adventures. It was the most invigorating experience of my life.

I still remember how elated my parents were when I got accepted into Cornell to study Political Science. Not exactly Justice Ginsburg's major but at least the college was the same. I had worked so hard to get here. But I couldn't take the whole credit for that achievement because my parents and sister were there with me, every step of the way, supporting me, spurring me on. So, it was a real shame when as soon as I was about to start college Donald Trump was elected as the President of the United States. As a young adult and a future attorney I tried to be rational about these strange turn of events. But then one after another everything started falling apart in our country and I felt my faith in the very system I was working hard for, was being shaken.

The downward spiral for me began with Charlotesville I think. When our President stood up behind the official White House lectern and said there were "fine people" on both sides. As someone who was actually being trained to see the "both sides", I tried to reason with myself that he must have said it for the sake of being diplomatic. Then there was the devastating Parkland shooting. I had turned 18 that year and completed a year at Cornell. So, naturally I was extremely disturbed and upset at the scenes that unfolded on and after that day. It was heartbreaking to read about my fellow American students who lost their lives to mindless massacre, but the real agony was the extreme politicization of this tragedy. Senior political leaders sparring with high-school kids, the dialogue changing from "sympathies" and "condolences" to conspiracy theories and name calling and abuse. I couldn't help but compare my life with theirs and felt so disappointed in myself. But I still told myself that I am working towards something bigger, greater. In a few years I will be able to make real change. I know. I was so naive.

We were hit by disappointments, one after another. I watched as the American values were dragged through the mud when little children were separated from their parents at the US-Mexico border, and then put in cages, forced to live under horrifying conditions. Things like diplomacy and common decency were being forgotten. The politicians I used to respect were now going on live TV and speaking freely about conspiracy theories and stoking an already burning fire. Real challenges like climate change and gun control were being forgotten and things like political gaffes and slip of tongues were making their way into mainstream news. People all around me were becoming more and more polarized. Anyone who spoke anything about the subject that made people even a little bit uncomfortable was ostracized or was subjected to online abuse. My parents had become outcasts in our community, but as far as I knew they were okay with that. They still had the "Hillary for President 2016" board proudly displayed in their front yard from the previous elections.

In short things were getting worse each day. And every single time our country was in the news for the wrong reasons it would chip away at my belief in our country and legal system. The very system I was getting prepared to serve and protect. It was a real calamity. I became more withdrawn. I couldn't face my family anymore so I'd stopped visiting them. I made up excuses to not go back home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. The daily phone calls had reduced to weekly and were more of a formality to make sure that they didn't worry too much about me. But I knew they did worry. I could make that much out from the increasing size of the care package my mother would send me every month. And then we were hit by the pandemic.

I really expected this government to put aside everything - their politics, their agendas and propaganda and work towards saving the lives of the American people. But what we saw was one failure after another. The opinions of the medical experts being refuted on live television. Unsettling claims coming from the White House. Fanning of outlandish declarations which further confounded the people of our country. We were a country divided at the time of the greatest catastrophe and there is nothing more dangerous than that. Soon there were just two kinds of people, those who believed in the pandemic and those who didn't. And there were only conflicts from that time onward. There were rallies taken out to prove there wasn't any pandemic. Beaches in Florida were overflowing with people during a countrywide lockdown. Mask mandates were being defied and the White House chief medical advisor was subjected to online abuse and was provided security detail after receiving threats. There were times when I would just log out of social media and news media sites to not consume any of these news because I would be overwhelmed.

My classes suffered. My grades took a dive and I was given an ultimatum the last semester. Either get your shit together or leave. But how am I supposed to do either? When a unarmed black man in being murdered in broad daylight by those who are supposed to protect us? When another black man is shot and killed for going for a run in a white community? When everyday racism has become so rampant that people have had to leave their homes during the pandemic, put their own and their loved ones' lives at risk, to take part in protests? When peaceful protesters are scattered by the authorities by use of excessive force? When honesty, rationalism, accountability and humanity all seem to have taken a back seat? And all I am expected to do is prepare and train to conserve and defend the same institution that's causing these problems. But then I can't leave either. I was carrying the burden of the hopes and dreams of my entire family.

All through this ordeal, I had only one bright spot. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Whenever I would be anxious I would watch videos of her interviews on YouTube, of her going to the gym and lifting weights, or of her speeches during the various conferences and award ceremonies she was invited to. I took inspiration from her grit and determination and promised myself that I will get through this and get into Harvard Law School. My father visited me and asked me to come back home, but I made up some excuses and said no. My mother called me, on the verge of tears because she was so worried about me. I consoled her and gave her as much strength as I could. My sister asked me if I wanted her to come stay with me for a few days but I told her because of the pandemic no overnight stays were allowed in my building. I isolated myself, pushed away the people I loved, decided that I was okay on my own. Then I received my acceptance letter from Harvard. I didn't know if I should be thrilled or anguished.

Now, it's a week after I held my acceptance from Harvard in my hands for the first time. The same hands which are now fumbling while trying to tie a decent tie. I stayed up all night watching YouTube videos to do this thing. Frustrated, I crumple the offending piece of fabric into a ball and stuff it into my coat's pocket. The suit that I am wearing is the one I wore at my high school graduation. I've definitely outgrown it. The pants are too short and the coat is too tight. But today I have to dress in my best because I was going to pay respects to the one person who I admired the most, the one person who was the beacon of hope in our country, the one person whose courage and tenacity were unparalleled to anyone I knew. My eyes fill up with tears suddenly, and I fight the urge to wipe them away. Because today I'll let myself cry.

I leave from home to catch my bus to New York City from where I have booked myself a train to Washington D.C. It was more than 7 hours of journey but I had to do this. To get closure. During the whole journey my family kept calling me. I knew they were being supportive, but today I needed space more than ever. When I reached Washington D.C. it was early in the morning of September 23rd. Justice Ginsburg's casket will arrive at the Supreme Court at 9.30 a.m. So, I reached there before time, bleary eyed, in a crumpled suit and surviving on burnt coffee from the train station's cafeteria.

When I got there I was pleasantly surprised at how many people had decided to show up to give their last respects to Justice Ginsburg. I, once again, was blown away by how many lives she had touched. The mood in this crowd was solemn. We were all wearing our masks, we all stood apart from one another abiding by the social distancing rules. Nobody spoke. There was silence and there was a strange comfort in that silence. Just before the casket arrived the doors to the Supreme Court opened. All of us stood there with our mouths agape when people, her law clerks, made their way down the steps, one by one. And stood tall and proud awaiting her. This rare show of solidarity, during an otherwise turbulent time, was unique and so unexpected that I knew for sure there wasn't a dry eye among those who were watching from distance. And when her casket arrived, eight Supreme Court Police Officers carried her up the stairs of the highest institution in justice system of our country, an institution which she had served for no less than 27 years.

As I stood there among mourners I felt this strange yearning to be among those law clerks who had served her during her time as a judge and Supreme Court justice. They had unwittingly become a part of the history. And in that moment I knew I wasn't different from these people. They were there for Justice Ginsburg the same as I was. Not only because they cared for her person. but also because they believed in her life's work. I was filled with this sudden surge of energy as if I was plugged into a socket. As if I was finally waking up after a long long sleep. This feeling was so strong that I had to hold on to a nearby tree and sit down for a few moments. When I was able to stop my hands from shaking I fished out my phone from my coat's pocket and turned it back on. As soon as I did that, I ignored all the incoming messages and dialed my father's number. He picked up at the first ring. It seems that he was holding his phone and waiting for my call.

"Scout! Thank God! I was going to send a search party to find and rescue you. Where are you? Why weren't you picking up our calls son?", my father asks.

"Dad. Please don't worry. I am okay. Everything's fine. I am in Washington D.C. right now.", I say.

There is long pause, after which he says, "We should have known. We should've been there for you Scout. I am sorry."

"No dad. I am sorry. I made you and mom worry. I promise you it will never happen again.", I assure him.

"I sure hope not son. You know how much we love you.", my dad says, his voice breaking at the end.

"I know dad. I love you guys too.", I reply holding back tear.

"So, how was it? Did you see her?", he asks reluctantly.

"She's lying in repose in the Supreme Court building for today and tomorrow. I will pay my respects later today during her public viewing. She will be laid in state at the Capitol. But that's not why I called you now dad. I wanted to tell you something."

"Go on.", my father says.

"For the longest time now I have been feeling why am I doing all of this? I have been questioning everything I, you and mom have worked so many years for dad and I have been miserable for past few months. I am sorry I distanced myself from you guys, but I was so ashamed.", the confession rushes out of me.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of Scout. We would never ever put our aspirations for you above your well-being. If you feel that you cannot continue, come back home. There are many other professions you can choose from.", my dad tells me.

"No dad. Just please listen. Today when I was standing here, taking in the glorious life of Justice Ginsburg, I was suddenly reminded of all the disappointments she had endured as a young attorney and in her later life too. She never gave up! Because she knew only she could make a difference. She knew how important her role was. She stood in the way of injustice like an unbreakable wall. No matter how difficult it got for her. So, I cannot let these set backs take my life's work away from me dad. I saw hundreds of people today, who knew of her life, who worked with her, who believed in her, and were moved by her and I finally knew why I am doing it all. I am doing it all for them. Because these are nice people dad.", I say as I end my monologue.

"Most people are Scout, once you finally see them.", is all what my father says as he quotes Atticus Finch. I could hear the smile in his voice as he said that.

"So are we going to see you for Thanksgiving this year? I mean if things are better of course.", he asks.

"If things are better by then, I will definitely come visit dad.", I say as I feel the kind of relief that I had never felt before.

"Wait your mum wants to talk to you to. Don't go anywhere. SANDRA! Sandra!", I am sure I and everyone around could hear him yelling my mom's name into the phone. It made me feel as if I was back at home. So, I smiled at the others who were looking at me weird and went back to talk to my family.