Beneath the Apple Tree

Transphobia/Abuse

Sweat dripped down Josephine’s back as she wrenched the hoe through the dirt. Last harvest had been bountiful, but water had been scarce so far this season. They’d have to put in double the work to ensure they had enough crops to feed them through the winter. Her hands aching, she leaned the hoe against the fence she helped her father build. Her pony tail stuck to her back, matting itself down in the grime. The spare twine she had used to tie it up scratched at her neck, but she didn’t mind. If anything, she was grateful for it. She reached down for her water skin, the cool moisture helping ease the laborious drudgery of preparing the field for planting.

Her ears perked up to an excited bark as Hound charged at her. He was by no means a large dog, but had proven useful at warding off any wayward predators over the years. She bent down as he slobbered over her. “Hey Hound, how's your day been? Hopefully better than mine,” she said, scratching the perfect spot behind his ear. She remembered the day they got him as a puppy six years prior, when she was eleven. Her parents joked about finally having another child in the house. More love to go around. Hound gave her one last lick before sauntering off for the porch, deciding he had had enough of the heat.

A shout echoed out from the house, “Joseph!” Josephine cringed as her father marched towards her. “What the hell are you doing? We need these fields tiled and ready by the end of the day!” he boomed.

“I’m working on it, dad, just needed some water.”

“You wouldn’t need it if you didn’t sweat so damn much with all the hair” he grabbed her by her ponytail, yanking her down. “It’s not natural.” He thrust her away.

Her scalp stung as her hair tried to settle back into place. “Come on,” he said. “Time we did something about it”.

“Dad, it’s fine! I’ll work harder I promise! I won’t stop until everything’s planted ahead of schedule! I promise!” Josephine pleaded.

He grabbed her by the wrist, yanking her towards the barn. “It won’t take long.”

“Please dad! It’s fine! Stop!”

“You look disgusting. You’re hairs in tangles and you can’t even see. Stop being a pig and let's get you cleaned up.” His fingers dug into her wrist. Josephine’s heart raced. If she said more she knew it would only mean more pain later. This she could bare. She had bared it all this time. What was a little longer.

Her father thrust her on to a stool, whipping out shears from nearby. Josephine was shaking. Her eyelids pressed shut. She could hear the swish of the blades as they cut at her.

“See? Now isn’t that better! Looking like a proper lad you are now!” He said with an enthusiastic and loving smile. “I’m sure Claire will appreciate the clean up.” Josephine gave him a short nod, before getting up to return to her field work.

He gave her a strong pat on the back. “Now that that's done, I’ll give you a hand in the field.” Her father said, picking up a hoe matching hers. They went back to work, her father talking at her. She replied curtly whenever a reply was needed. Her dad plowed through the conversation, almost talking to himself. It had taken her over a year to finally get her hair to that length. And now it was gone. She held the tears back, she’d have time for them tonight.

§§§

The next morning Josephine quietly had breakfast with her mother and father. Luckily, it was her day to go to market, giving her a reprieve from her grief, but more importantly, a chance to see her girlfriend Claire. The wind on the way there was far more refreshing after the heat of the day prior. The family cart rattled along as she dragged it behind her, filled with crops to sell.

Luckily, she made a few sales, more than usual. She knew Claire would be coming later in the afternoon, but waiting was agonizing as the day went on. Her head snapped as Claire rounded the street corner. “Hey!” Josephine shouted, waving excitedly at Claire. Claire sprinted over

“Hey!” Claire shouted back as they hugged. “Oh God, what happened to your hair?” She exclaimed

“My dad cut it,” Josephine said flatly.

“Ahh. Well, that’s too bad. I liked it like that” Claire said, smiling. She stroked her hand along the remaining bangs framing Josephine’s face.

“Me too.”

“Although, I suppose short hair is more fitting for a man.”

Josephine froze.

“Yeah I guess.” Josephine said, trying to prevent all her frustration from flooding into the words.

“Anyway, I gotta run, mom’s expecting me back soon. I gotta watch after my little brother,” Claire said with an eyeroll. She planted a kiss on Josephine’s cheek.

“Bye,” Josephine said, as Claire bounded away. She already missed Claire, but her insides twisted at the frustration and anger that battled the love.

§§§

Josephine, shut the door behind her, getting in for the night. The walk back had been arduous. Not physically, but because she always dreaded dinner. It was when her parents wanted to talk the most. Pry with all their questions, gossip about local town news, and render judgement on all they saw as lesser.

“Hello darling!” her mom said, giving her a hug. “How was market? Looks like it went well!”

“Yeah, it was good.” Josephin said.

“Did you see Claire? Did she like your new haircut?”

“Yeah.”

“Always so secretive aren’t you. Well, I made a delicious roast that will hopefully loosen that tongue of yours.”

The three of them sat for dinner. The roast was tasty. Josephine perked up as the conversation stayed on her parent’s days. Her mom had been cooking and cleaning for most of it. Her father had been making sure all the seeds were secure and planted, and all the animals tended to. Her childhood friend, Hound, begged for scraps at the table, hardly deserving any for having lounged around all day.

“So, you saw Claire today,” her father stated.”How’d it go?”

“It was fine, nice to see her.”

“Did she like your new haircut?” her mom asked.

“Yeah.”

“I thought she would. You know, Claire is turning into quite a pretty young woman,” her dad said.

“Her parents are so sweet too!” Josephine’s mom exclaimed. “Just the other day they brought around these amazing home made buns! And I hear Claire is an amazing seamstress!” It was true. Claire had always embroidered the most beautiful floral scenes onto Josephine’s clothing. It was heartwarming watching her skill increase over the years, each flower more detailed and grand than the last. Her parents had let Jospehine keep some of the clothing, but told Claire she couldn’t wear any of it, as wearing something that feminine would be far too embarrassing. One night, her father had almost burnt all of them when she had brought a new shirt embroidered with a silk lily home. After that Josephine had to insist that Claire stick to tea towels and curtains for her mom if she wanted to give Josephine anything. It broke her heart, but it still allowed her to see the amazing needle work around the home.

“You two would have the most adorable children,” her mom added.

“I’m not sure if I want kids”, the words escaped Josephine’s lips before she could realize who she was saying that to. Everything at the dinner table halted.

“Not have kids? Could you be more ungrateful?” her mother said. “You would deprive a woman of her chance at motherhood?” she began to shout. “It’s always about you men and what you want isn’t it?”

“What did we do wrong? Do you not want us to be grandparents?” her father asked more calmly.

“No, it’s not…”

“Not what?” her mother interrupted.

“Are you worried about being a dad?” her father asked. “You’d make a great dad.”

“No, no, clearly he just doesn’t want the burden of raising children. Clearly we haven’t done enough for him,” her mom said. “I pity Claire, you’d better get your morals in order, and soon, or she’ll be whisked away by another man who has his head on straight.” Her mother stood and strode over to her. She snatched away the rest of Josephine’s meal, whisking it away to furiously clean in the kitchen.

“Your mother’s right, it’s a woman’s duty to raise a family. You take that away from Claire and she’ll never forgive you. Or she’ll find someone else to fill the role when she finally realizes you won’t.” Her father said before leaving the table. Hound strode up to her, nuzzling Josephine for food as she sat alone, licking the scent of a meal half finished off her hands.

§§§

In bed Josephine couldn’t help but relive the conversation in her head. Why didn’t she want kids? Why wasn’t she normal? If only she kept her mouth shut more and said the right things then none of this would have happened. Maybe her dad would have even let her keep her hair long. She prodded the skin over her stomach. Her nail barely bit her flesh, but she couldn’t help but feel fat. Like all her parts were in the wrong places. An aching melancholy she never had the language to describe. Her body began to itch. Not just at the nape of her neck where the short bristles lay, but all over. Like thousands of bugs were crawling under her flesh. The overwhelming feeling refused to go away.

Tears rolled down her cheeks. She choked out a sob, realizing too late to muffle it. She couldn’t hold them back. She grabbed her pillow, cried, cried from an endless pool of tears that had been damned away. Eventually the tears stopped, enough having leaked out over the edge of the dam. Her door slammed open.

“Why the hell are you making all this racket?” her father screamed. “Stop crying! Look at me!”

Josephine pulled her head away from the pillow. Staring back as dried tears and snot cracked on her cheeks.

“I didn’t want to have to do this, but your mother is right. You need to toughen up,” he said, undoing his belt. Josephine braced as the crack of leather stung her flesh. More tears began trickling out. “I said stop crying,” another crack lancing pain into her back.

Josephine lost count of how many there were. The world seemed to fade away as she steeled through the pain. All of her focus on holding in as many tears as she could so it wouldn’t go on for longer than it needed. A few moments had passed and she realized there were no fresh flashes of pain. Her door hung ajar. She rolled onto her side, as she began to register the blazing pain in her back. She lay there, her eyes unable to cry anymore, until exhaustion eventually overtook her.

§§§

“Morning honey!” Josephine’s mom said as she laid out breakfast.

“Morning,” said Josephine.

Her parents made peaceful small talk. Josephine chiming in as little as was necessary.

“Hey Joseph, would you like to go to the market again? It’d give you a chance to see Claire, and I can take care of the field work well enough alone today,” her father asked. He always did this after nights like last night. A way to make it up to her, and give her a chance to rest. Josephine didn’t mind. It gave her a chance to escape again.

“Yeah… yeah that’d be nice. Thanks dad.” Josephine said. She was grateful for the opportunity to clear her head.

§§§

Josephine had just finished getting set up for the market. She reached down to grab the last of the fruit to display when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She spun around and flung herself into Claire’s arms. The warmth of the embrace melting her heart.

“Good to see you too,” chuckled Claire. “Everything ok?”

Josephine squeezed Claire tighter, the embrace helping her realize everything she was missing at home.

“Yeah, it’s just, I’ve been thinking.”

“Oh yeah?”

“What if we started somewhere fresh together?”

“What do you mean?”

“We could find a cottage in the woods, just be ourselves!”

“That’d be so cute! Or a cozy house by the beach” Claire said with a smirk. Josephine’s smile faded. This wasn’t a fantasy. She was tired. So tired. It was time to make a choice.

“I’m serious Claire. I can’t take being here.”

“You’ll grow out of it, besides our family is here.”

“And? This isn’t who I’m meant to be.”

“How do you even know who you're meant to be? You are you Joseph, stop trying to be something you’re not.”

Josephine pretended not to hear her. Denied that she wouldn’t come with her. “Meet me under the apple tree just outside the market. I’ll be there after midnight. Please come with me?” Josephine pleaded.

“And what? Starve? How would we feed ourselves? Where would we go? Stop being ridiculous!”

“There’s an abandoned cottage in the woods we could start out in, and I have some money saved up to get us through for a start. Please, Claire?”

“You need to get these insane ideas out of your head Joseph. I’ll see you this weekend,” Claire said, storming off.

Josephine sat on the ground. She knew she was going to leave tonight. Her only other choice was to give in, and she wasn’t ready for that. She wanted to live and to love. Claire had to come. Had to at least check on her. Josephine began hastily crafting her plans for the evening in her head.

§§§

“How was market?” her dad asked, looking up from his book as Josephine got in.

“It was great!” Josephine exclaimed.

“Dinner’s ready!” her mother said from the kitchen. Josephine took her seat at the table next to her dad as her mom laid out the plates.

“Claire loves my new haircut! Thanks so much dad! It helps having it short for farm work too.”

“I knew you’d come around to it,” her father said with a smile.

“You do look quite handsome,” her mother said.

“Thanks! If I have a son I’m sure he’d look great with a similar cut,” Josephine said. She smiled at the perplexed look her parents gave each other across the table.

“What’s gotten into you today?” her mother asked.

“Just thankful I have such amazing parents to learn from!” Josephine exclaimed.

“And we’re thankful to have such an amazing son,” her father said.

“Well, it’s been a long day. Thanks for dinner! I’m gonna head to bed,” Josephine said. She jumped up and gave her father a deep hug, and her mother a kiss on the check.

§§§

Josephine closed her eyes in bed and waited. Hours passed as she incessantly ran through the plan in her mind. She opened her eyes to pitch black. She hoped it was late enough. Hoped that her performance had given her parents no cause to stay up and pry on what she was doing. The door creaked as she peered out, her parents were nowhere to be seen. She quickly began snatching clothes and shoving them into her bags. She couldn’t get them all, so she tried to take a little bit of everything.

She snuck into the kitchen and began packing a handful of utensils, plates, candles, and sharp knives. Her father’s hatchet hung on the wall. She carefully lifted it off its hook and tied it to the back of her backpack. As she crept into the living room Hound perked his head up. A low growl threatened to give her away, but as Josephine approached, Hound sprung up and nuzzled himself against her legs. Josephine snuck out the front door, avoiding stepping on Hound in the process.

Relief washed over her as the crisp fresh air enveloped herb. She bent down a pet Hound all over. “I’m going to miss you so much buddy. Thank you for always looking out for me.” Hound licked at her face excitedly. Josephine began walking away. She risked one look back at the house. Hound stood on the porch, head tilted, oblivious that he wouldn’t see her again. She blew him one last kiss before turning and leaving the house for the last time.

The further away from the house she got the freer she felt. The chirps of crickets and hoots of owls played a chorus celebrating her liberation. She sped up the further along she got, excited to put as much distance between her and the house, as well as to see Claire again.

She almost crashed into the apple tree, barely realizing how close she had gotten in the darkness. Claire wasn’t there yet. She had to be coming later. Maybe Josephine had left the house too early. She shrugged off her backpack and sat by the tree. The excitement began to wane as fatigue set in. Her head smacked against the tree as she almost drifted off. She fought the urge to sleep, hoping beyond hope that Claire would change her mind. That she would at least come to check on her, to say goodbye.

§§§

The sun was beginning to peak over the horizon. Claire wasn’t coming. She had to leave now or her parents would come looking too soon. There was no going back from this. This was it. This was her freedom. But it also meant she would never see Claire again. Never see Hound again. Never see her family again. Never be able to say goodbye or laugh over a holiday meal for a final time. She was on her own. A fresh, but lonely start. With a deep breath Josephine set off, excited, yet trepidatious, for the future to come.