Living with Family Payne

Living with Family Payne was filmed in front of a live studio audience.

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON

BROTHER AND SISTER MAX PAYNE (MALE 14) AND LILY PAYNE (FEMALE 8) SIT AT THE COFFEE TABLE. THEY EACH HAVE THEIR HANDS OUT IN FRONT OF THEM. ELDEST SISTER EMMA PAYNE (FEMALE 17) ENTERS FROM THE STAIRS LEADING UPSTAIRS.

EMMA

What are you two freaks doing?

MAX

Lily says boys have slower reflexes than girls. I’m about to prove her wrong.

LILY

I didn’t says boys. I just said you.

LILY FLIPS HER HANDS AND SLAP’S MAX’S AND HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN. LILY LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY AND GOES BACK TO POSITION. AUDIENCE LAUGHTER ENSUES AS MAX SHAKES HIS HANDS AND GOES BACK TO POSITION AS WELL.

EMMA

(Rolling her eyes)

You two twerps better not do anything this immature at the BBQ tomorrow!

MAX

And you better not do anything this ugly at the BBQ tomorrow!

LILY

Nice one.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

LILY PULLS HER HANDS AWAY AS MAX TRIES TO SLAP THEM. THE FRONT DOOR OPENS, AND IN WALKS MIKE PAYNE (MALE 38).

MIKE

Daddy’s home!

(PAUSE FOR AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) 

AS MIKE CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE HOLDS HIS ARMS WIDE FOR A HUG FROM HIS THREE LOVING CHILDREN.

LILY

Hi Daddy.

MAX

Hey pops.

EMMA

Hello Michael.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

MIKE

Hold the fanfare, kids, someone might think you actually like your old man.

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AGAIN, LISA PAYNE (FEMALE 40) STROLLS IN.

LISA

Mommy’s home!

MAX AND LILY LEAP TO THEIR FEET EXCITEDLY.

LILY

Mommy!

MAX

Mom’s home! Woohoo!

EMMA

Hello Lisa.

LISA

(To Mike)

I got two out of three. How’d you do?

MIKE

(Grumbling)

I don’t want to talk about it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

EMMA

Well then let’s talk about something actually important! The BBQ?

MIKE

(Perking up)

Right! I have something to show you guys! Follow me!

MIKE RUNS THROUGH ANOTHER DOOR OFF STAGE LEFT.

CUT TO:

EXT. PAYNE BACKYARD - AFTERNOON

WE SEE AN INCREDIBLY ELABORATE AND COMPLICATED LOOKING GRILL ON A PATIO. THE FAMILY STANDS BEFORE IT, MIKE LOOKING PROUD AS CAN BE.

LISA

What is this?

MIKE

Paynes, you’re looking at the Grill-O-Matic 520, the most cutting edge in BBQ technology! Triple layer grill with built in rotisserie. A burner on either side for pots. A skewer station for kabobs. And finally

(He opens a door down below the left burner)

An air frier big enough for a thirty pound Thanksgiving turkey!

LISA

Where’s our old grill?

MIKE

(Waving a hand dismissively)

Oh, I threw that old thing in the dumpster at the job site.

LISA

(Scolding)

Michael, that grill belonged to my father! He gave it to you as a house warming gift!

MIKE

Yeah, back when we couldn’t afford one. Now I can afford the Grill-O-Matic 520!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

LISA

(With hands on her hips)

And exactly how much money are we talking?

MIKE HESITATES AND THEN A LIGHT SEEMS TO GO OFF IN HIS HEAD.

MIKE

You all go inside, and I’ll take this baby for a test drive! We’ll have burgers and steaks!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

LILY AND MAX CHEER EXCITEDLY.

MAX

Woohoo! Pre-BBQ BBQ!

LILY

I want a hotdog!

MIKE

You got it, princess!

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

THE PAYNES HANG OUT IN THE KITCHEN, LISA GRABBING VEGETABLES OUT OF THE FRIDGE AS THE KIDS BEGIN PULLING OUT NOTEBOOKS AND TEXTBOOKS. JUST AS THEY’RE ALL SETTLING IN, THERE’S A DEAFENING EXPLOSION FROM THE BACKYARD. THE PAYNES ALL LOOK UP IN SHOCK AS THE KITCHEN SLIDER OPENS AND MIKE COMES IN, COVERED IN SOOT.

MIKE

Houston, we have a problem.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

NARRATOR (V.O.)

We’ll be right back after these sponsored messages.

***

Darkness, complete and total, falls around me. I can’t even see past my nose, the void is so complete. I look around to where my family had been standing or sitting moments ago, but I can’t see them. I can’t even sense them. I’m not left in silence; somewhere I can hear a faint voice informing someone that they “have the meats”. I can smell the smoldering of my shirt, the smokey residue from the grill exploding caking my tongue. I realize now that I was not in the “scene” with the rest of my family. I was out on the patio, trying to operate that monstrosity of a grill when…

“Hello?” I call, my voice lost in the darkness. “Hello?!”

There isn’t even an echo. My voice is swallowed by the darkness as if I hadn’t even said a word. I feel as if none of my senses are working. The deep “meat” voice has given way to a cockney accent telling me he can save me fifteen percent or more on my auto insurance.

I’m beginning to think I’m all alone, until I hear a strange buzzing sound. It sounds almost like TV static. It’s getting louder now. No, not louder. Closer. I try to take a step back, but my feet are plastered to the floor. If there even is a floor. The buzzing is so close now that my brain is rattling in my head, and then…

***

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

LISA AND THE KIDS SIT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, EATING BOWLS OF MAC AND CHEESE AND TRYING NOT TO APPEAR DISCOURAGED. MIKE REENTERS FROM THE BACKYARD, LOOKING CRESTFALLEN AND ODDLY SHAKEN.

MIKE

So the good news is our yard isn’t a fire hazard. The bad news is our grill is toast.

LILY

It had a toaster in it too?!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

MAX

So much for the Grill-O-Matic 520.

EMMA

More like the Kill-O-Matic 520.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

MIKE LOOKS UNEASY AS HE LOOKS TOWARD THE FRONT WALL OF THE KITCHEN. LISA FOLLOWS HIS GAZE, BOTH NOW LOOKING TOWARD THE AUDIENCE.

LISA

Mike? Is everything okay?

MIKE

(Shaking his head.)

Yeah... sorry. I, uh... thought I heard something.

LILY

That’s probably your ears ringing from almost blowing yourself sky high, daddy.

MIKE

Right, probably. Anyway, I don’t know what we’re going to do about the grill.

LISA

You’ll have to go to the job site tomorrow and grab our old grill!

MIKE

(Grimacing)

I can try. I doubt it’ll be any good.

MAX

Right, because who wouldn’t want to eat dumpster BBQ?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

***

FADE IN:

EXT. PAYNE BACKYARD - DAY

THE DAY OF THE COOKOUT HAS ARRIVED, AND PEOPLE HAVE STARTED TO ARRIVE. MOSTLY NEIGHBORS, THOUGH A FEW FRIENDS TO THE PAYNES ARE HERE AS WELL. LISA IS ENTERTAINING A FEW NEIGHBORS WHO LOOK A LITTLE UPSET.

MR. NELSON

I’m just beginning to wonder what kind of BBQ you’re running here!

MRS. NELSON

I’m starving, Mrs. Payne. Honestly, what could possibly be taking your husband so long?

LISA

(Placating)

I understand your distress, Mr. And Mrs. Nelson, but I assure you, Mike should be back any minute!

ALMOST ON CUE, MIKE AND MAX COME SHAMBLING INTO THE YARD, LOOKING LIKE DOGS WITH THEIR TAILS BETWEEN THEIR LEGS. WHEN LISA CATCHES MIKE’S EYE, HER HUSBAND MERELY SHOOK HIS HEAD.

LISA

(To the Nelsons)

Excuse me a moment.

SHE RUSHES TO HER HUSBAND, LOOKING FRANTICALLY FROM HIM TO THEIR SON.

LISA (CONT'D)

Where’s the grill?

MIKE

(Sheepish)

They emptied the dumpster last night.

LISA

(Grabbing Mike by the collar)

Then go out and buy a new grill, Michael! We have hungry people here!

LILY COMES OVER FROM A GROUP OF FRIENDS, EYES WIDE.

LILY

Mommy, we may want to get some food out fast before this BBQ party becomes a Donner party!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

LISA

We’re working on it, sweetie. Also, we need to have a talk about where you learned about the Donner party.

EMMA APPROACHES HER FAMILY, BEAMING PROUDLY.

EMMA

Don’t worry, guys. Somehow you two have managed to raise a capable and brilliant daughter.

MAX

(Mumbling)

Not to mention oh so very humble.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

EMMA

I took the liberty of ordering a bunch of food from the BBQ place on 4^th Street.

MAX

(Suddenly frantic)

Not Smoke Show! Please not Smoke Show!

EMMA

(Confused)

Yeah, it was Smoke Show, why?

AN OFF SCREEN VOICE COMES NOW, AND THE PAYNES TURN TO GREET IT. HE IS A POCK-FACED BOY WITH THICK RIMMED GLASSES AND AN ANIME TEE. HE HOLDS A LARGE BOX SMELLING OF BBQ.

PINKLETON

Well, well, well. If it isn’t Maxwell Payne.

LISA

Oh good! You know each other? Maxie, is this a little friend of yours?

PINKLETON

(Holding up a hand)

Oh on the contrary, madam. Your son and I are the strictest of rivals! For you see, to comment upon my manga in such a way as he has is a deplorable sin that shall not be tolerated!

MIKE

(Leaning down to Emma)

Is this that Klingon thing?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

LISA GRABS THE BOX OF FOOD GINGERLY FROM THE BOY AND HANDS IT TO MIKE.

LISA

(To Mike)

Why don’t you take the food while Max and his fri--rival?--have a little talk.

MIKE

(Clearly relieved)

You don’t have to tell me twice!

MIKE RUSHES AWAY FROM THE SCENE. MAX TURNS TO PINKLETON AND--

***

As I leave my wife and son to this strange new character, I can feel the cameras come off of me. I am still in the scene, still “present”. It’s like being in the backyard before the grill exploded, only now I’m still surrounded by people. They chat quietly, their conversations strangely muffled.

I put the food down on a table and start dishing it out when I notice my old college friend Sean… Sean… I can’t remember his last name. In fact, I can’t remember much about him; only his first name and the fact that we knew each other in college. I don’t even know what the college is called. He stands next to the table, drinking from a beer can that just says “BEER” on the label. As I unload the box of food, I speak of my own accord for the first time since the commercial break.

“Sean.” He looks to me in shock, as if I’d just done something heinously outrageous. “How are you doing, Sean?”

“Why are you speaking to me?” Sean asks in a whisper.

“Well, as we’re at a cookout, it’s usually customary to socialize.” As I speak, I hear that sound. The buzzing of static off in the distance. I look around, and while people are still chatting, they keep pausing to look at me.

“Uh,” Sean stammers. “I’m… uh…”

The buzzing gets louder now, and I look beyond my picket fence, past all the heads of my guests, and see the sky flickering from bright blue sunshine to the black void I’d found myself in earlier. Whatever is keeping me here doesn’t like me going off script. I wonder what would happen if I kept pushing it. If I kept talking to Sean, or if I started dropping F-bombs while in the middle of a scene. I look to my family, standing in a cluster around Max and that nerdy kid, the scene playing out as scripted, no doubt. 

Not my family, I think for the first time. It’s true. I don’t know these people. I don’t know Lisa, and yet I do. I have memories of our life together… don’t I? Now that I try to call up any of those memories, I find myself unable. Our wedding song was… what? I proposed… where? Our anniversary is… when? These key memories don’t exist. I only know that I love her, yet now that feels hollow. How can I hold this emotion for someone I don’t know? Same with the kids. I don’t know any of them. I have to get out of here. I have to…

***

LISA

Well I’ll be! Sean!

LISA APPROACHES HER HUSBAND AND HIS OLD FRIEND. THEY HUG, PECK EACH OTHERS CHEEKS.

LISA

How have you been? I didn’t know you were coming!

SEAN

Got the invite a little late, but I managed to make it here! Mikey was just telling me about your promotion! Congratulations!

LISA

Thank you, but you know I couldn’t have done it without a very special person.

***

I feel sick. My chest is tightening as I begin spiraling. What do I do? Lisa is speaking now, and I can feel the script that is our lives beginning to unravel. I look to the sky, to the growing darkness that is climbing over the horizon. The static’s buzzing is growing louder and closer. And then I see it. I see the thing in the dark. It’s enormity is daunting, and I feel my brain beginning to shatter as the unearthly thing grows near and I… I…

***

MIKE LOOKS LIKE HE’S GOING TO BE SICK. LISA LOOKS TO HIM, HER FACE BLANK. MIKE LOOKS BACK AT HER, UNCERTAIN. HE LOOKS UP OVER HER SHOULDER, EYES WIDENING IN SHOCK. THEN, HE LOOKS BACK AT HER AND HIS DEMEANOR COMPLETELY CHANGES. HE SMILES, PUFFS OUT HIS CHEST AND BEAMS.

LISA

Myself, of course!

MIKE DEFLATES COMICALLY.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

THE PAYNES SIT EXHAUSTED IN THEIR LIVING ROOM. MIKE HAS HIS ARMS AROUND LISA’S SHOULDERS, MAX AND LILY LAY SPRAWLED ON THE FLOOR, AND EMMA IS SCROLLING MINDLESSLY ON HER PHONE.

MIKE

Well, Paynes, we did it! We threw one hell of a BBQ.

LISA

Emma really pulled through for us today! Good job, sweetie!

MAX

What about me? If it wasn’t for me telling Pinkleton off, we could have had a disaster on our hands!

EMMA

Right, we would have had to pay him.

LISA

(Aghast)

Oh my God, we never paid for the food!

THE FAMILY SITS IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT.

MIKE

Well, I guess that Grill-O-Matic paid for itself then, didn’t it?

EMMA

The food didn’t cost $3,000, dad.

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

THE FAMILY STARES AT HER IN SHOCK.

EMMA

(Shrugging)

What? I found the receipt next to the burning wreckage.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

MIKE LOOKS SLOWLY AT HIS WIFE. LISA TURNS BACK TO HIM, EYES BLAZING.

MIKE

Have I told you how beautiful you a--

MIKE GETS UP AND SPRINTS FROM THE COUCH, LISA CLOSE BEHIND, MURDER IN HER EYES. THE FRAME FREEZES ON THEIR CHASE, THE KIDS LAUGHING AS THE AUDIENCE’S CHEERS CLOSE US OUT.

FADE OUT.

***

As the show fades out, and I run from my wife. I run through the door and stumble into the black void. I feel weightless as I float through this strange liminal space. The audience cheering sounds far away, and I feel terror rising within me. The static is coming.

“No,” I whisper. “Please. I’ve done the show. Please, don’t do this!” I don’t know what the “this” is, but I feel the panic welling within me as the static grows louder, and louder, coming closer and closer. The thing is here, it’s features shrouded by the ebony depths of the void. Or… or is it the void? My eyes are the camera, and the entire frame is filled with the thing that is holding me here. If I look to the left or right, there it is, watching. It doesn’t speak, and yet a single word slams into my head so hard it echos through ever neuron, the synapses lighting up like a Christmas tree.

CANCELLED.