Without Dani (Silence Part 2)

Purple pulses behind my eyes as the morning light shines through my window. I squint and roll onto the floor. It’s not a long way down since I’m sleeping on an air mattress. I look up at the faintly glowing stars on the ceiling. Then my heart starts to hurt as I remember the day me and Asher put the glow-in-the dark stars up. As I remember Asher. The hole grows. Soon, I’m afraid that that hole will engulf my heart into an empty sadness, eating away at me from the inside out. 

I can’t think like that though. Not today. I stand up and look around my empty room, boxes stacked in the corner by the door. Everything’s packed away. All the memories, good and bad, one and the same now.

I put a robe on and pad into the kitchen where my mom is packing the last of the kitchen things away. She glances up when I walk in, smiling a watery smile, “Hey, how are you?

“Good,” I say, putting on my own fake smile. That’s how it’s been lately; the both of us trying to comfort each other with fake smiles and joy. But neither of us have truly recovered from the loss of Asher. “Ready.”

“I’m glad.” She nods and stares at me like she’s been doing lately. Starry-eyed, searching for something, someone that isn’t there, looking into the past and future at the same time. It chills me to the bone. But I don’t break eye contact. A single tear slides down her cheek, and she turns away. “You should get ready for school, Lex. Big day.”  

I want to hug her, comfort her, tell her everything will be okay. But then we’ll both be crying, I can’t afford that today. A few more hours then I’ll be in a new town, where no one knows me. Where I’ll be able to forget about the last six months. Start my life completely over. I’ve just gotta make it through the day first.

*****

“My dearest, Lex, please, don’t go,” Dani says theatrically, clinging to my arm. “I’ll be miserable without you, darlin’.”

I giggle. Dani is the only thing that I’m going to miss when I leave. She came and made my life a whole lot better, and I’m so grateful for her. “Oh shush, Dan. You know you’re leaving too. It seems it was meant for us to be apart.”

“Parting is such sweet sorrow.” She kisses my cheek, and lowers herself to the ground like she’s fainted. I roll my eyes, the drama. 

“It tis’ isn’t it.” I fall into character, and lay down on the grass next to her. 

She sighs, and turns to face me, sobering. “I’m gonna miss you, Lex.”

“I’m gonna miss you more. But aren’t you excited? We’re finally getting out of this boring town.” I pause. “Even if we aren’t together like we planned.” 

 She grasps my hand and scoots herself closer to me. “Promise you’ll text me everyday?”

“Of course.”

“And every night?” 

“Dani.” I turn to meet her blue eyes with my brown ones. “Everything will be fine, I promise.”

A car horn honks and we both rise to sitting positions almost simultaneously to search for the source of the sound. We both see my mom waving like a crazy person from the driver’s seat of our Audi.  

We both sigh as one. “Please don’t go,” Dani whispers, misty-eyed.

My eyes well up with tears of my own. “I don’t want to.”

“Let’s run away together.”

I smile sadly. “If I could, I would.”

I couldn’t leave my mom, especially after Asher...Don’t go there, that thinking can only lead to bad things, I scold myself inwardly. 

“Thinking about Asher again?” Dani asks quietly. My friend knows me too well, it’s as if we can read each other's minds. I glance sideways at her out of the corner of my eyes and see that more tears have welled up, these for a different reason. Dani had been close to Asher too, arguably closer than even me, myself. Asher had been Dani’s boyfriend and they had loved each other so much. She had been devastated when Asher didn’t come home with me that night. Dani had been the one comfort in my life and we had healed together. But now...we were both leaving, our roads were at a crossroads and we didn’t want to go. 

I nod mutely and she squeezes my hand, “I miss him too.”

“I’m sorry, Dan,” I murmur, as if this day wasn’t already sad enough. “Let’s change topics.”

“No.” The solidness of Dani’s denial surprised me, wasn’t she sad? “We loved Asher, and we have to honor the memory of him, Lex. That’s the least we can do for him. Pretending he didn’t exist is an insult to his memory and we shouldn’t do that. I loved him and I never regret knowing him.”

“It’s just so hard,” I whisper. “I’m losing everyone I love in my life; first Asher, now you, I don’t think I can handle it.”

“You’re the strongest girl I know.” Her eyes bore into mine with a flaming intensity that was in no part theatrics. “You can do this, Lex.”

Mom honks again and we both stand, but neither of us wants to move, savoring this last sacred moment together. The back door of the moving truck slams shut from out of our eyesight, and in my peripheral vision, I see a tear run down Dani’s face. Followed by another. And another. Each one breaks my heart more than the last. Leaving her is the last thing that I want to do, she might be the only thing that’s keeping me together and I don’t want to find out if it’s true. But she and her mom are moving away too. And I couldn’t stay here in Marietta without her. 

“Dani?”

“Alexa.”

“Forever?” 

“Forever.”

She pulls me into a bear hug, for a moment I think she isn’t going to let go and I don’t want her to. If she doesn’t let me go, then I’ll never have to leave. I can stay right here, hugging my best friend forever. But all good things must come to an end so when my mom honks again, we both know that this is the end. 

“Remember me.” She whispers into my ear.

“You’re impossible to forget.” We break apart from each other, both crying. She nods to the car, albeit reluctantly. I turn around and begin to make my way past the crossroads and down the path that’s been paved for me, the one that takes me away from my best friend. Once I’m buckled in, I turn to watch the diminishing figure of Dani as we drive away. I keep waving until she’s out of sight. My sobs get louder and my heart aches painfully like I’m being torn in half which I am. I am leaving my best friend behind. My confidant, my sister, my anchor, my Dani.

*****

I don’t remember getting out of the car, or my mom giving the keys to my uncle, or boarding the plane, or the drive to the new house. I only become aware of my surroundings when my mom taps me on the shoulder. “Lex.” I glance up at her. “Golden Gate Bridge. Look.” 

I turn my attention in the direction she gestures to. The sun is setting over the water, and as we drive over the iconic bridge, I snap a picture and send it to Dani. This was supposed to be our first stop on our trip around the world. But now I’m here and she’s not. My mom doesn’t even try to comfort me, she knows as well as I do that no one can ever replace my Dani, no one.  I attempt a bright smile for her sake, and then gaze out of my window, leaning back against the headrest as the smile melts off my face. 

*****

The rest of the day flashes by quickly. Since my uncle is driving all of our things from Ohio, our stuff won’t be here until tomorrow. Meaning I’m back on the air mattress, staring up at a ceiling, this time a new one. The ceiling that would be the same if the glow-in-the-dark stars were there. And a weird feeling starts to poke at me on the inside. I can’t tell if I’m sad that they aren’t there, because of all the memories they’d bring back. Or happy that there are no memories. I’m starting over somewhere new. Where no one knows me. Where no one can give me a pitying look, or a sad smile, or pat on the back. I don’t know if leaving was the best or worst decision for me. But it’s done now. I’ll have to make the most of it. 

I lift my head up and look at the door, hoping for just a moment that Asher will walk through, and hug me just like he used to. Tell me that everything would be okay, but if he was here, everything would be okay. He wouldn’t have to say anything. 

Ambulance sirens, and car horns, fill the silence of my new room. My phone buzzes, and I flip it over from on the floor. ‘good night Lex. remember u are only as strong as u believe urself to be. Make some new friends tmrw, i want u to be happy and ilysm <3’’ It’s Dani. 

I want to tell her that I don’t want new friends. I only want her. But I sigh and tell her that I’ll try and I miss her. Quick and simple, not letting her know how alone I feel. I have to be strong for the both of us because I know that if I crumble, she will too. I send her a good night quote and set my alarm for 7:20am. Tomorrow I’ll start over. Create a new life. A life without Dani. The life of an only child. A life without the old pain. A better life. The voice inside my head says. But I don’t believe that for a second. 

*****

My first day at a new school, an all girls school at that, and I can barely tell my mom what happened. After we left Ohio, I’ve felt as if I’m floating through the days. I know that a group or girls, supposedly the popular ones, brought me into their group. We went for coffee after school, and for a short shopping trip. I don’t remember their names, or anything that they said to me. I respond to all their questions and comments with a nod and bright smile, and I made it through the day just fine. Dani would’ve been able to tell that something was wrong, that there was more to the look in my eye than simply shyness. But these girls can’t, only Dani would’ve been able to make me feel better.

As I lay down on the bed that my uncle helped set up while I was away, I feel something die deep down inside of me. Like the last living part of my soul vanishes, just like that. Gone into thin air as if it was never there at all, leaving a gaping hole in my heart right next to the unhealed one for Asher’s sits. And I don’t know how, but I’m certain that something’s wrong with Dani. I had the same feeling in my stomach, when Asher got killed. Like a never-ending drop on a rollercoaster. Plummeting deeper and deeper. Weeps stick in my throat and I scream into my pillow. I let out everything I’ve been holding in my gut burst out, like an explosion, continuing until my throat is raw and sore. Dani’s gone. It hits me so suddenly, and clearly that I know it has to be true. Some sixth sense is telling me that my best friend has already reached the end of her life. Dani’s gone, it repeats, Dani’s gone. 

Just like last night, noise from the bustling city fills the four walls I call a room. All those people so oblivious to the pain I feel, going about their business as if a girl has not just lost her best friend. The noise fills the room, but I’ve never felt so empty. And right then and there, I know that I am truly, truly alone.