This is Medicine, not the Circus

Doorways. Offices. Chairs. The internet. A prank can happen at any place, any time. Humiliation can happen at any place, at any time. Which is why I was determined not to get pranked on Tuesday April the 1st; the first day at my internship. Now, I know a hospital is an unlikely place for pranks to happen, but who knows? I can’t risk humiliation on the first day of work… It’s just not ideal for my crippling social anxiety, let alone for my reputation. 

I woke up, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth, got into my scrubs and began my half an hour walk to the Grand Oak General Hospital. People were already roaming the streets, and many walked fast and in silence… maybe some people were just as on edge as I was. On my route to the hospital I passed through my college campus; a place full of pranksters, and jokers. I was almost out of that dreaded prank show of a place when-

“Hello! Do you have a second to take a student survey for the college’s newspaper?”

I was startled for a second… This man looked a little old to be a student. I looked at my watch… one hour… I had time to spare. 

“Sure. What’s it about?” I asked, my hands trembling at the thought of the survey being a prank.

“It’s about jokes and pranks that ar-” No no no… 

“I am so sorry, I just got paged!” I said, smiled, and walked away at a speed that might have been mistaken for running. It wasn’t even seven o’ clock and the nightmare had started. 

When I arrived at the hospital I walked towards the water fountain and unscrewed my trusty water bottle. I reached out and pressed the button for the cold water and… nothing. My hands become sweaty in half a second, my eyes widen and I begin to look around. A nurse laughs in the distance, I close my eyes and- 

“Hey, um…” I turn around quickly and there is a nurse looking at me. “The water fountain is not working.” He points at the poster literally in front of me. It reads: ‘out of order’. My face flushed with embarrassment, and I could hardly look at the man.

“Thanks… uh… sorry” I died inside. I smiled awkwardly and walked away. 

At 7:15 sharp, the registrar, Dr. Rooney, met me and a handful of other interns at the ER. He gave us clipboards, in which there were only blank pages… Could this be the first prank? A clipboard with nothing but blank pages on it? Was there supposed to be something in them? Perhaps some diagnoses? My breath became agitated, my legs began to tremble…

“We will go around the parts of the hospital you’ll be working in. I’ll show you some of the patients you might take care of once you are more advanced, and if you have any questions please write them down in the pages supplied in your clipboard.” Dr. Rooney said, interrupting my stressed train of thought. I immediately gave a rather loud sigh, which made all the heads turn and stare directly at me. 

“Excuse me…” I said under my breath. Then Dr. Rooney rolled her eyes at me, and started walking towards the ICU. Great, not even an hour in, and I’m already the laughing stock. 

We saw a couple of trauma patients; car crashes, suicide attempts, severe concussions, stabbings, motorcycle incidents. All in all, pretty normal patients. That is, until we arrived at the bedside of Caroline Hawthorne. 

“This patient,” she picked up the patient’s clipboard, “Caroline Hawthorne, suffered a severe concussion after her friends attempted a dangerous… uh…” a confused look took over her face “tik tok… as an April fools prank,” I felt goosebumps coming up in my entire body. “which made Caroline hit her head on a steel stair. She will be heading to an OR momentarily.” I couldn’t believe it was 7:30 am, and there were already victims of pranks entering the hospital. 

Once the orientation ended, we went to an auditorium for ‘questions, comments, or concerns’. About fifty questions were asked and then the newly formed groups of friends went to the cafeteria. As I waited in line for coffee, the barista unsettled me by making small talk. 

“How was your day yesterday?” He asked with a wide grin on his face. Small talk couldn’t be a prank… could it?

“It was fine, thank you! How was yours?” I responded.

“Pretty uneventful…”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, no one pulled a prank on me.” he sighed. That’s odd… why would a person expect a prank on March 31st? This guy was clearly one pickle short of a pickle party. No need to be rude to the confused though… 

“If it makes you feel any better, I also didn’t get pranked.” I reassured him.

“Some boring lives we lead” he laughed. He gave me my coffee, I thanked him, and the rest was small talk history. I walked towards the one free chair in the cafeteria. I put my coffee on the table. I put by backpack on the floor, and as I sat down, I felt the comfort of my plastic chair swoop away, and I fell right on my behind. As I stood back up, I saw that I had caught the eye of absolutely nobody. I rest assured that no one paid attention to the joke pulled on me; no one in a hospital has the luxury of time. I did however, hear a smug laugh behind my back. 

“I am so sorry!” a voice laughed. I turned around to teach the immature dog a lesson, but then I saw it was one of the interns. The only one I deemed good looking. 

“It’s fine…” I said as I looked down at the floor, not being able to meet his eyes. 

“I know it’s a little late for pranks, but I promise you that wasn’t on purpose!” he kept laughing. 

“What do you mean? The day’s just starting…” I chuckled awkwardly. His laughter faded, and he looked at me with a confused look in his face. Suddenly I remembered I had a test on chronic illness at my college campus.

“Sorry, I have to go!” I said to him as I grabbed my backpack. I abandoned my coffee and ran without looking behind. 

I felt the breeze of the early morning dry my sweat as I hysterically ran towards college. The test was at 11:00. It was 10:50 at the first red light. 10:55 at the second. 10:57 at the third. I ran into the classroom at exactly 11:00. 

“Ah! Miss Finch! Would you like to justify your late arrival?” asked the examiner, Mr. Dariner, as I still gasped for air.

“Sorry, I stopped to get coffee and I didn’t check th-”

“Enough with the excuses!” Mr. Dariner interrupted. “If you are going to give an excuse it better be someone’s death or sickness… Just sit down already!” I sat down as he gave instructions for the test. I didn’t pay attention as he spoke, since I struggled to get my pencil from my convoluted backpack. After he gave the usual speech about cheating, Mr. Dariner handed out the tests. I looked down at the thick pack of pages… and I got confused. The test wasn't on chronic illness, it was on rheumatism. 

“Excuse me, sir?” I requested Mr. Dariner.

“Be quiet, now is not the time for questions.” he responded. 

So be it. I completed the test and waited until all the students excused themselves to turn in my test, so as to talk to Mr. Dariner alone.

“Here is the test.” I handed him the packet. “Why did you give us the test on rheumatism? Today’s test was on chronic illness…”

“No, you are mistaken. Yesterday’s test was on chronic illness.” he replied.

“Today is April the first.” I assured him. 

“No… today is the second.” he held up his phone for me to see the date. “You missed yesterday’s test. As usual you must send a notice that you will be absent, so as to take the test.”

No… It couldn’t be. I improvised… I laughed.

“This is not really a funny prank Mr. Dariner!” I chuckled.

“Listen young lady; this is medicine, not the circus. So I suggest that you take this profession seriously and check the damn date! Now get out of my sight!” he yelled. 

… It couldn’t be. I walked outside and looked around. The guy taking surveys was still asking around for volunteers. I walked up to him…

“Hey! Remember me?” 

“Oh, yeah! Hey! Can you take the survey now?”

“Yes! That’s why I’m here.” He eagerly smiled. One could tell he was desperate and that he had had few volunteers. 

“Great! So, it’s about what pranks or jokes happened to you yesterday on April fool’s Day!” My eyes widened as he handed me the clipboard.