Until the sun goes behind the clouds

“Good morning, Rian.” I jolt awake, a pool of sweat surrounding me in my bed. I could have sworn I heard her voice....”Have you missed me?” My neck pops as my head jolts around, trying to find her face. The room is dark, but I can see her sea green eyes clearer than day. There she is, sitting in the corner of my room in her favorite bean bag chair. 

“Yay, you’re awake.” She stands up, and runs over to the side of my bed. Every movement seems so real and lively. Her shoulder length, sunflower blonde hair bobbed with every movement. It’s just an illusion, it has to be. My hand, trembling at the sight of her makes a shaky journey to turn on the lamp. But even as light floods the room, her face and the freckles that spill down only the right side are still there. 

“Did you miss me?” I do miss you, because you are still gone. Whatever I am seeing isn’t real. When she put on that pouty face she always gave me when she really wanted something was when I reached my right hand over to my arm, and pinched hard onto my skin. I felt the burn, but I did not wake up. I am awake, and she is still there. 

“Why are you here?” I ask. This has been happening ever since that day. We were at my friend's party. She was wearing a stunning little black dress, and makeup for the first time in her life. She was beautiful, but that night, it was like she wanted nothing to do with me. She went around, flirting with other guys, chatting them up and acting innocent about it, even when her dance moves became provocative. It was never me she wanted to dance with.

And me, being the idiot I was, decided to let her have her fun. I went off with my friend Brent, and had one too many drinks. The more drinks I had, the angrier I felt towards her. Does she love me? Why won’t she dance or talk to me? Did I do something wrong? The entire night, I couldn’t get her off my mind. By the time that it was getting late and we needed to go, I was so mad that I got angry at her. I wouldn’t let us leave unless she let me drive. 

Even being drunk, I could see the fear in her eyes with each move I made. But I was too wasted to care. She had hurt me,  and I was too blinded by rage to care about how she was feeling. For being drunk, I was doing pretty well with my driving, but as all tragedies go, of course it wasn’t going to last. The saddest part is that I was only a block away from our place. A block away, and it wasn’t even the alcohol that caused me to crash.

I got tired, really tired, and in the few moments that I allowed myself to doze off, I veered off the side of the road. And the rest was history. I made it, but Bailey didn’t. That was the first day of my life that I started to believe in karma. And ever since that day, all I’ve been seeing is her. 

Every day in the hospital, she was there. At first, hazy on the drugs, I thought that she had made it. She came to see me every day, it was as if she was alive and unharmed. She would talk to me, too. “I’m okay, Rian.” She would tell me. “Don’t worry about me, just get better soon.” And so for the longest time, I went on recovering, thinking she was perfectly healthy. But it was when Brent came to visit that everything started to change. The first thing he did when he walked in was hug me. Brent doesn’t hug me unless something horrible has happened. To say that the words that came out of his mouth were horrible would be a massive understatement. 

“Rian, I’m so sorry. I wish she could have made it.” At this time, Bailey wasn’t in the room. It was just me and Brent. 

“What do you mean? She did make it, she’s been coming to see me every day.” At this time, Brent broke down and started crying. Brent’s a tough dude, he never cries. So I knew then that something was seriously wrong. 

“Rian, you must have been hallucinating.” He told me. “She’s gone, Rian. Bailey died in the crash.” I thought that after Brent broke the news to me that she would stop showing up. But she kept coming back. 

“You know why I’m here, lovebug. I’m here to be with you.” Lovebug. She had always used that nickname. It was cute, when she was alive. But now all it brings is chills up my spine. 

“You can’t be with me.” I tell her. “You’re dead.” She walks closer, and brings her hand to my face, caressing it. But I feel nothing, just a blast of cool air. She crosses her arms and lets out a loud hmph.

“You haven’t even apologized!” Here we go again. Every time she appears, that’s all she wants. An apology for being an asshole, for forcing her to let me drive. For ending her life. But I just can’t do it. I can’t apologize to someone who isn’t really there. 

“There’s no need.” It’s silent for a while, and then, sitting on the edge of my bed, she begins to cry. 

“I just want...I just want to hear you say it one last time. Please.” I know what she wants me to say. But she’s gone now. She isn’t really there. Everything that I’m seeing, it’s just my mind playing tricks on me. Making me suffer for what I did. I couldn’t say it when her body was being buried into the ground, and I can’t say it now. 

“I can’t.” I say bluntly. 

“But...why?” She whimpers. 

“Because you’re not real.” She sniffles as more tears fall down her soft, round face. She’s not even paler than she used to be, as you might expect a ghost to be. She’s just...Bailey. She’s no different than she was before the accident. 

“I need closure, Rian.” She’s been saying that a lot, too. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I need closure, too. So just for today, I’ll play along with my hallucination. 

“Then why don’t you tell me why you were being so cruel to me that day.” Her frown deepens. She adjusts herself so she is sitting cross-legged on my bed. The vision of her I’m seeing is still in the little black dress. The one I had wanted to take off her that night, but she wouldn’t even let me compliment her. 

“Cruel? What did I do?” I bite my lip. Almost instantly I can taste the metallic sensation of blood. 

“You were wearing that.” I spit. “That dress, and yet you flirted, danced with, and talked to every guy at that party, besides me.” She goes to touch my face again, but I move away. She is sitting at the foot of my bed, while I am pressing myself up against the headboard. 

“I was just trying to make you jealous so you’d get all over protective of me and be affectionate like you used to…I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m sorry.” 

“You’re sorry? You didn’t mean to hurt my feelings? I tried to get your attention so many times that night, Bailey. And you ignored me. You took it too far.” She nods. 

“I know, I’m sorry.” 

“What, were you afraid of something?” I ask her. 

“I wasn’t ready to….” 

“Then why didn’t you just say so!” I yell. “Maybe then you’d be alive right now!” She starts to tear up again, making me sigh. “We promised to be honest with each other, but you broke the promise.” She nods. 

“I know. I am sorry though, Rian. You believe that, don’t you?”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore.” She brings her face closer to me, and puts her lips on mine. I would give anything to actually be able to feel that sensation again. She was my everything, and I killed her. 

“Believe me..please. That’s all I want. Is for you to believe me. When we were in the car, every moment I was just wishing I could take it all back. I wanted to talk to you about it, but I knew you were drunk. I was so busy worrying about everything, that I didn’t notice when you dozed off.” I let out a huff of annoyance. 

“What I’m saying is, it’s not your fault. You can’t blame yourself. Karma screwed us both over, and I’m paying the price. But I’m okay with that. I was never that great of a girlfriend, I took joy in making you jealous and getting you turned on but never wanting anything. And I did it all on purpose. It was like a game to me.” 

“A game! I was a game to you?” I yell.

“Yes.” She says. “And that’s why I’m apologizing. This is why I needed closure. Because I loved you, but not in the same way that you loved me.” I can’t speak. My voice feels locked in my throat, and I can’t even find the means to stop the tears that are flowing down my face. She’s just an illusion, yet I find so much truth in her words. 

“So what you’re saying is, I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, because you were probably going to break up with me anyways, weren’t you? So that you would stop hurting me when I was giving you the world.” She smiles, and tries to wipe the tears that are falling down my face. 

“See? Now you understand. So don’t be upset anymore, okay. I’ll leave you alone from now on. Go find someone who will make you truly happy. Because you deserve the world. Whatever lucky girl you find, you give her the world and she’ll do the same for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that girl.” I force a small smile on my face. It hurts, but the longer it stays there, the more I’m starting to feel it’s effects. 

“Is this goodbye?” Bailey nods, moving away from me. 

“I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble.” Her hand reached for my doorknob, but she was gone before it would turn. She just disappeared, like the sun going behind a cloud. Bailey was finally gone, and she never came back. Do I think about her? Sometimes, but I try not to. If I’m ever going to find a new girlfriend, I have to let it go. Yes, I saw my ex-girlfriend’s ghost for at least five weeks of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over the fact that my death was mostly her fault, but I’ve forgiven myself, and I’ve forgiven her. Because without forgiveness, the world will never move on. That, I can promise you.