The Z Feels

Warning: strong language, mental health issues. (?)

The city is filled with an atmosphere of stability and decay at the same time: dank streets; cloudy weather; concrete jungle; and a mass of people, seemingly going somewhere, aimlessly. Looking at all of that landscape, it could give a feeling of decay, sadness and over looming desperation. Rin sees that scenery from his window for quite some time in his life.

Days of his are like any other. He wakes up from his white slightly crumpled bed, washes his slightly wrinkled face, makes a quick sandwich out of the closest low-cost groceries ingredients, looks up in the window for some time, dresses up in his grey and white suit with black-and-white bowtie and black pants and goes outside. After that, he takes a surface subway that goes beneath the tall buildings. Someone, in stampede inside the wagon, spilled the coffee on Rin’s suit. Usually, people in this city are irritated by such a situation. But Rin didn’t care that much; he was slightly happy, even. Walking from the subway towards his job, he sees the inspectors. You can spot them right away: pointy hats, leather suits and such. They usually seeing if someone have the right behavior in the society, and arrest those ones, whose emotions and manners are... “inappropriate”. Rin goes to the stocks and makes counts for any sort of product his employer company has. At work, he communicates with people who seem to just exist and nothing else; Rin doesn’t take it as a downside, surprisingly. After finishing his duties, he goes the same route back to the apartment, going to sleep, to repeat the same working routine. Time, after time, after time.

There is one exception, sometimes.

Back in his apartment, Rin was getting ready to have a dinner. While sitting on the bed, resting, he got the unnerving feeling behind him. Like the dark smoke has appeared and whispers with blows of cold in Rin’s ears. He got a feel that, finally, he should do that once again.

Down the alleys, Rin goes to a personal shrine, looking around, so no inspectors would be nearby. It’s located deep down in the slums of the city, way away from everything glooming and booming in the center. In this shrine, the only things are two toys, plushy bunny and bear, with big plastic eyes, and a pencil with googly eyes attached.

He stands in the middle of this “sacred” place of his. He’s dancing. Rin have so much energy and free-mindfulness, that he goes in flow, painting the space around him with vibrant emotional colors, like he became the lighter of such dark place.

Move to the left, move to the right, he goes dancin’, he does crime.

So much moves, that bunny, bear and pencil with googly eyes joined him in the flow. More dancing, more moves, more plushy-mushy switches of little fellas all around. That is the relief. Finally, the eerie feeling on his spine has faded away. And finally, more moves! Here we go! Here we go! Here we…

The morning is like any other morning. Waking up, breakfast, subway, pointy hats, and work. It continues with the usual flow. Rin tries to hide the happiness of yesterday and go with freshness in mind.

Rin goes past the corridor, full of “the Z feels” slogan posters that give intimidation for most people. Even nearby passing-by colleagues are becoming afraid of those posters with big ominous “Z”s in the middle.

Rin is assembling the paperwork for the next daily count. He is standing in the big office room, mainly designated with sectors for office workers.

“You have a coffee stain”, said a soft, but sad voice; this sadness, for some reason, felt fake for Rin. “On your shirt, there”. Her finger points to the stain on the suit that Rin got a couple of days ago. It has already dried out.

He lift his eyes up, full of played anguish, to look up at her. Her appearance is mainly slim: thin hands, and legs, but, surprisingly, a rounder face and symmetric bob cut, like a drawn figure. She’s wearing a long skirt and a strict greyish uniform as well.

“Thank you”, answered Rin, bluntly.

“Yeah, sure…”. Then she started watching her as Rin drop down his haze to papers. “Umm… Why didn’t you clean your suit earlier? It’s not the first day I see this stain”

“I washed it, but…”. Rin’s voice started to sound funny. Then he whispered, “Why you were watching me?”

“Um, I don’t know”, answers the girl with quieter whispers. “Maybe because you have a coffee stain that is dried out for a couple of days”.

“But why me? A lot of our colleagues here have those stains. Did you point them out about it?”

She took her eyes away.

“That would be… Not that… Interesting to point out to them”. She looked like she wanted to make a small “he-he”, but she saw a pointy leather hat in another corner of the big office space, that stopped her.

“Melli, you shouldn’t be here”, said a tired, mediocre, blank voice close to Rin and, as it’s unraveled, Melli.

“Gomaz, I’ll come and do the necessary responsibilities. Don’t worry about it”, friskily said Melli.

Here comes Gomaz: bulky person with a big belly and a mangy suit that just resembles his indifference to himself. He seemed to show some “power” of the server of this society.

“Melli… Listen. I have a beeper here. I can call inspectors and tell them what you are doing here. With all of the… Jokes, remarks… That is disgusting. Or I can just ask this inspector right there, so he could help us resolve the inappropriate behavior”

“Well”, answers Melli calmly “you know that we are allowed to chuckle by law, right? Or is works like Z is going to eat my brains or…?” Rin gives a look to Melli, providing a message that she should stop. Gomaz makes a sign.

“Just finish it. I don’t care” Gomaz leaves the scene as he whispers something similar to “How is it even allowed…”

Since that moment, Melli and Rin had some sort of connection together. They seemed much closer than they could be.

The mornings are like any other morning since then. Waking up, breakfast, subway, pointy hats, work, talking with Melli, walking with Melli, having dinner with Melli, talking some more... Seems like Rin feels the sense of connection and protection with her. He sees her... And he's filled with sheer emotions of tranquility.

They're having so much fun together, at least how laws and society allow it to have. No, maybe even more than that. Rin and Melli could go on walks, making jokes about everyone else and... Laugh?! In a public space?! That would be unacceptable! However, for some reason, Rin and Melli have not been arrested yet. What a miracle!

Sometimes, he goes to the shrine to groove, as usual, dancing with Bunny, Bear and Pencil, but it doesn't feel right. The darkness still makes a return... Something is wrong.

With time, after 3 months, he is figuring it out. Another inside urge arose.

He wants to reveal his secrets to her. In sometime in the future...

"You started to look like an inspector. So serious", Melli began to smile slightly. They were going by the alley, where there is easy access to the shrine.

So “the future” is really near.

"You have something in mind?" Melli continued.

Rin seemed energized.

"I would like to show you something"

Rin brings her to deep dark slums, between shadows.

"What are we doing there? I don't think there are some stores over there", Melli started to be concerned. “Or restau…” She noticed the rounded space, plushy toys and a pencil with googly eyes.

Rin stands in the center. His feel is the vulnerable he can get from the semi-reserved attitude in the outside world. This is his, personal, pocket world, that he, finally, decided to share with another mind. Mind, that is close to him.

“I couldn’t hold it for long. Melli… Do you think fun is going to be great for us? Even in this kind of world, where we are not sure if we can smile or giggle… So funny to say those words out loud”

“Uhh, yeah. It… feels great. While, we are taking a walk after work, dining together, sharing time together… It’s all fun, so… What are we doing here?”

Rin is intrigued to share himself to her. He started to move with his arms around himself, starting to charge himself for much more courageous moves. His spine and body goes in wave motion, left and right, going sides. Bunny, Bear, and Pencil are all waking up, all funky and groovy, in a great, positive mood and greatness of the fun! Rin have just “blew up”: he started dancing chaotically, enchanting some awkward, but spirited sounds to imitate music.

Finally, he’s grooving again… Showing, how fun it could be to…

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

That. Is. The reaction he get. He stopped. He is seeing such terrified eyes, full of panic and fear that he have never seen in his entire life. Confusion, despair… It’s all there.

“What’s wrong? You said that you’re like when it’s fun…”

“Get off me!”

“Bu-”

“GET OFF!!!”

Melli falls on the floor. She bloats a foam from herself, in disgust of sheer atrocious, severe immoral acts, such as happy dancing and partying.

“Sick fuck... Sick fuck! Y-you’re sick fuck!!!”

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you”

“And you will not hurt anybody again!”. Rin heard a click. Realization. The beeper. “I’m in some sort of slum site at South. H-help me, I’ve been brainwashed! Please, save me”. *click* “So inappropriate, so inappropriate”. Rin is getting desperation in his heart, but he cannot to feel fully intact with the situation. He is still in the mood of dancing and lonesome partying, so it could get really confusing for him.

"I-"

"SHUT UP! NO, SHUT UP! NO MORE OF YOUR “SWEET” TALK! I almost fall under it! I was so down the spiral with the giggles and smiles. I forgot about productivity, about life, about anything ordinary people live with. What is the sense for... whatever you are doing here??? No one's dancing. No one's partying! Why you then... I cannot already"

She tries to get away from this place with a sense of existential disgust to Rin. He has been stumbled, not understanding, what happened at all.

A group of people with leather coats and pointy hats have found them and pressed Rin to the ground.

Some time has passed. The day is usual: sitting in the cell, waiting for the decision. His thoughts are getting deeper, about what has he done before, how he was just having a relief. How he made the mistake that he has found a person who will not be shocked of his actions and desires? He feels so much cold behind him. Paralyzed, everything goes darker, until the great emptiness, when he cannot see and comprehend anything.

There’s the light. The cell opened. Two people are standing outside of it, waiting for Rin to come out.

They’re bringing him between the narrow corridors, towards the staircase. It goes deep down the surface level, and by the end of it – there’s darkness and two red lights near the entry doors.

Usually, those, who have such inappropriate behaviors, like dancing, smiling, laughing, or conveying any positive emotions, are seen as criminals. They are sent to prison with “brain correction” assignments, to turn them into the “fixed cog” for the sake of the community; people should have negative emotions, because “it’s for everyone’s good”, as propaganda says. And usually, when it comes for genuinely joyful and cheerful – they’re the ones that are fixed. Those with pure joys. But not those, who hide. They have a different fate.

As two inspectors and Rin went down, they entered the elevator. As it goes down, concrete is switched into stone, if look from the inside of the cabin, that have no doors and walls, just a framework.

Elevator stopped. They’re here.

It looks like a cave, full of candles, pair by pair. They all go through this alleyway, slowly and calmly. Rin moves slowly because he still tries to understand. Dances, toys, meetings, reveal, shock, cell, cave… He just wanted not to think already. Inspectors move slowly, because they know, where they are bringing him. To whom to talk with. Seemed like talking would be worse than literal brainwashing. Although, the difference between both is mere.

Here are the doors, made of some sort of dark wood. Menacing and towering inspectors are opening them for Rin to enter.

There’s the podium, where he stands still, looking out into the darkness. But Rin’s thoughts are enveloping him again. He has the urge to dance, to cope with that.

Silence.

Then… the silence has been broken. Rin could hear the towering, deep voice that seemed like striking just through his body: like it wasn’t from outside, but from the head, entering the thoughts.

“YOU ARE ALREADY THINKING ABOUT RETURNING TO COPE”

Rin, for some reason, seems not surprised.

“That’s what I want”

“WHY DO YOU WANT IT?”

“…Because. Because it gives me joy. And could give others joy.”

“WHY DO YOU THINK DANCES AND SONGS WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING? DID YOU ASK SOMEONE ABOUT THOSE ACTS? HOW WOULD THEY REACT? IT IS A CRIME, SO, FOR SURE, EVERYONE WILL BE AGAINST IT”

“Melli was fine with it…”

“AND HOW’S THAT TURNED OUT?”

Silence. After some time, Rin noticed in the front, and what he discovered, make him stumbled. Stuck. Yellow eyes. Four of them. Tentacles. But they’re still, without a move.

“RIN. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU. FOR THE OPPORTUNITY. FOR THE IMPACT ON THE EMOTIONAL CLIMATE. YOU WOULD THINK YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE OF HOW HAPPY YOU’VE BEEN. IT’S A BOGUS ASSUMPTION. I’VE RARELY SEEN A PERSON SO MISERABLE AND TASTY IN MY EMOTIONAL FARM. THAT IS THE BIG EXPERIENCE FROM ME. REPEATING EVERY DAY ALL THE SAME UNTIL YOU BOTTLE ALL OF THE TASTY ANXIETY FOR ME. THAT IS THE GREAT EXPERIENCE. UNIQUE ONE. MELLI IS TRAUMATIZED AS WELL. AFTER THE SHOCK SHE WILL HAVE, PERHAPS, THE SAME EFFECT. SHE WOULD DO THE COPING AFTER THE BOTTLING. BOTTLING… SUCH A DELIGHT. YOU, MISERABLE, PATHETIC, TWO-FACED MORON, WHO THOUGHT TO ESCAPE HIMSELF IN DELUSIONAL FANTASIES. POINTLESS. JUST POINTLESS”

Z stretched it’s tentacle to paralyze Rin, slightly touching his forehead. He is almost losing his consciousness.

“I KNOW WHY IT’S LIKE THAT. YES… SUCH DESPAIR. GREAT DESPAIR. FULL OF EVERYTHING. STAY LIKE THAT. JUST… LIKE…”

THAT.

The mornings are like any other morning since then. Just it mostly focused not on crumbling beds, breakfast or work. It is just mere existing and nothing else. Seemingly going somewhere, aimlessly. Doing the same. Felling the husk. Nothing else.