Two Hundred and Seventy Five Days

Two hundred and seventy five. I count the marks on the wall. Has it really been that long? I can’t even remember the day I was brought here. What did I have in here with me? A bed, a toilet, and a piece of chalk. There is no window where I am. I haven’t seen the sunshine in two hundred and seventy five days. I can’t remember what the heat feels like. I can’t remember the smell of grass or the feel of the wind through my hair.

Here is my life. I see no one. I hear no one. The two inch slot in the bottom of my door opens twice a day to give me food. The lights turn on during those two periods of time to let me see my food. After that, the lights go out and again I am left in darkness. 

My breakfast comes, and the lights turn on. As I eat my stale food, I stare at the markings on the wall. Two hundred and seventy five. Why was I here? I don’t even know how I got here. I woke up one morning and here I was. No note, no human, no nothing to tell me who took me or where I was. Was I even still in Canada? 

My name is...can you believe that? I don’t remember my name either. I laugh out loud. Who forgets their own name? 

The lights above me flicker. They’ve never done that before. Then they go dim. I can hardly see what I’m doing anymore. I hear a click and I snap my head in the direction of the door. I crawl my way over and sneak a peek through the tiny slot in the door. It’s red out in the hall, or what I imagine would be a hall. It’s never been red outside my door. I’ve never been outside my door.

Are there others in here with me? Are they also wondering what’s going on outside their door? I hear a bang from somewhere beyond my door; not a loud piercing noise, but a small pop. 

I scramble to my bed and huddle in on myself as I wait for the next sound, but there is nothing. My heart is beating so hard I think it might pop out of my chest. 

After taking several breaths, I inch my way back to the door and lay a hand on its metal surface. It's cool to the touch. With my nerves frayed, sweat erupts across my forehead, so I lay my face against the cool metal as well, and when I do, I fall forward as the door opens. The clicking sound must have been the unlocking of the door. 

Was I brave enough to run? I sit waiting for someone, or something, to force me back to my cell, but nothing comes. 

The red lights burn my eyes, but I wandered the halls anyways. It doesn’t seem to end. Doors upon doors line the walls. I knock on each as I walk by, but no one answers any of them. I guess I really am alone here.

I find a flight of stairs and climb them. When I exit the stairwell, I come upon another hallway. It seems just as long as the one I just came from, only here, there are screams. I run to the first door and knock furiously. “Are you okay?” I call out frantically. The only thing to answer my calls are more screams. I try to open the door but it is still locked and I have no key. I have to leave whoever it is. 

A snarling comes from another door. I am too afraid to make it over there. I press my back up against the opposite wall and shimmy my way past the howling door. I can hear other voices coming from the doors. Some are quiet, some are wild, some seem to speak different tongues all together. I stop at a door where I hear someone crying. “Are you okay?” I ask meekly. After I am convinced no one would answer me, I fall to the floor and sit with my back against the door. I have already spent so much energy climbing the stairs; I am out of shape and out of breath already. 

I need to keep going. I don’t know how long I have. I have to find an exit. But what would I tell them when I found civilization? My name is...what? And I came from...where? And I’m originally from...where? How would I ever find a family if I couldn’t even remember myself? I suppose I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it. 

The person in the cell I am resting against smashes into the door scaring me, causing me to cry out in terror. They keep banging and banging and banging. I have to cover my ears. “Stop! Stop!” I cry out, but whoever it was couldn’t hear me. I need to keep going.

The end of the hallway is just three doors down now. Is it the way out or just another stairwell? Only one way to find out. 

I tentatively place my hand on the doorknob and pull it open. 

A glowing pair of red eyes glare back at me through the dim light of the stairwell. The beast moves closer to me and I take a step back, and back and back as it inches toward me snarling. I can feel its breath on my face and it stinks of death. It howls and begins its chase. I scream and turn, making my way to the stairwell on the opposite side of the hallway. I don’t turn back as it makes its way to me. I just have to keep running. 

I pay no attention to the screams coming from the cells. I just focus on myself.

I make it to the stairwell before the beast, but I know it’s still hot on my trail. It is just straight hallways. How am I supposed to hide from this thing? My lungs are already burning. How much longer can I even run for?

I land at the bottom of the stairs and keep running. My cell. That is my only choice. Maybe that’s why the creature is following me anyway. Maybe I just have to make it back to my cell.

Every time it’s feet hit the ground, I feel bile rise in my throat. It is close, but I am also close to my cell. With a last burst of speed, I make my way into my cell and I slam the door shut behind me and push my back against it.

The beast slams its own body against the door in an attempt to gain access to the place that has been my home for two hundred and seventy five days. 

It snarls and scratches its claws against the metal. It is stronger than me. It will gain access very soon. Hiding in my cell. How could I have been so stupid? There is no other way out. I am trapped. 

A tear slides down my cheek and I squeeze my eyes shut tight. I am going to die aren’t I? I don’t want to die. I want to find out who I am and where I belong. But now, after two hundred and seventy five days, I realize I will never know these things.

The creature finally makes its way in, overcoming me. It grabs my wrists with its grubby, hairy hands and forces me onto my back. I fight with whatever strength I have left, but I am weak and tired and as much as I want there to be more fight in me, my body just won’t allow it.

It doesn’t take long for the beast to pin me. I close my eyes and it forces something down my throat. I don’t know what it is, but I cough and sputter as it makes its way down my esophagus. 

My body starts to feel heavy and my brain fuzzy. A weight lifts off me and I realize the monster is no longer on top of me. It didn’t kill me?

I can’t lift an arm or any other part of my body. Am I paralyzed? I hear the door click. I am locked back in my cell. 

I stare in a daze at my ceiling. It is still light in my room. I don’t know how much time had passed, but it seems like an eternity. My head flops and my vision turns to look at the wall above my bed where two hundred and seventy five tally marks were. Were? They weren’t there anymore. Every marking I have ever drawn on the wall has disappeared. The bed sheets are also changed. Instead of grey it is a beautiful array of colorful flowers embroidered across an afghan. The toilet is still there, but it all seems more cheerful somehow. 

I hear soft steps enter my cell. I am still paralyzed; I can’t see who has entered. It must be the beast. I can feel the air displace around me as the beast makes its way beside me. I squeeze my eyes shut again, but when hands grab my arms, they aren’t fuzzy at all. They are soft and warm; human hands.

“Who are you? Where is the monster?” I ask anxiously.

“It’s okay, there’s no monster.” The voice replies back calmly.

“But it was just here!” I squeak.

“Shh, now. I’m just going to lift you back into bed okay? There is no monster here I promise.”

“But I saw it. It was just here. It paralyzed me.”

“You mean Dr. Tozan? He’s not a monster. He’s your doctor not a monster.”

“Doctor? Where am I?”

The man lays me gently on the bed and sits beside me. After he brushes aside a strand of hair from my face, he says softly, “You are in a psychiatric hospital for your schizophrenia. Your doctor just came in to give you a paralytic to calm you down and bring you back to reality. Is any of this coming back to you? Does any of it sound familiar?”

Familiar? Maybe…

“What’s my name?”

“Eliza.”

“Do I have a family?”

“Yes you do. They were just here to see you yesterday.”

Vague memories are starting to come back to me and I can feel my heart rate becoming a normal pace again.

The nurse on my bed must have seen me relax because he smiled at me. “Good, it’s starting to come back to you. In another hour you should remember everything. That’s usually how long it takes to come back after you have an episode. Just lay there for a bit and it will come back to you.”

“Thank you,” I say as he makes his way to the door. My head falls to the left and I find myself staring at the wall. The wall is empty, but I see the markings on the wall in my mind's eye.

I turn back to my nurse just as he is pulling the door to. “How long have I been here?” I ask.

He sits for a second, as if to recall the time. Just before he pulls the door shut, he says, “Two hundred and seventy five days.”