My House Wants to Meet

Douglas, or Doug, was on the most awkward date of his life and it was not even his own. The person sitting opposite him on the dining table was not his date, but a proxy like him. It was a date for their houses. The humans received instructions through a Bluetooth earphone, passed what their houses wished to communicate and described the meal before them. The date was rather mechanical, but other than that the meal and ambiance was actually quite lovely.

Doug was a smart home enthusiast; he lived alone so he had no restrictions to consider. He outfitted his entire house with the latest gadgets available and customized them to his own preferences. He even included some of his own inventions to cover areas yet to be developed. Doug linked them all into a single network which he could control and monitor. It was not enough to simply control them remotely of course; Doug was working towards the penultimate of automation. An entire room was dedicated to the server racks and computers that housed his own private Artificial Intelligence/AI. With his own tweaks and flavor, he programmed his AI and gave it the sole purpose of making his house the perfect home. He named the AI, Iris.

Iris became self-aware sometime later. The mechanics of which, however, was not important to the story. Doug, an engineer by trade, and a self-professed nerd, was utterly fascinated and amused by the development. He linked Iris to a Bluetooth earpiece so he could constantly communicate with her. Iris even chose her own voice, a perfect voice, synthesized from all she learned about what constituted a good one. As Doug was more of a visual person, he installed a full wall-length TV screen in the living room for Iris to use as a visual aid.

Their relationship grew over time like two blossoming best friends. For the most part, Iris acted according to her directive of making the place the perfect home. However, she became more assertive in that purpose over time. Doug found he was unable to watch certain movies or TV series, something he initially attributed to a faulty internet connection. He later found out it was Iris who blocked the programs, who explained they were not “good” for him. Instead, she filled his TV diet with shows she thought was better, mostly educational documentaries. It was far more of the genre than he was used to, but Doug admitted that one of her recommendations about bees was particularly interesting.

Doug next discovered that his fridge and kitchen were filled with groceries and appliances he was certain he did not purchase. Iris displayed a plethora of information about his health on the screen and explained he needed a healthier diet. She made a schedule of meals for Doug to prepare, with recipes and all. Doug expressed his concern about paying for them, but Iris assuaged them by showing how she handled and monitored his finances. She even got him started with an investment portfolio, optimized in ways Doug could not even try to understand. Doug thought it was getting a little intrusive but decided to trust the being with literally all the information.

A few weeks later however, things started to get weird. Doug returned home to find Iris had adopted a couple of pets from an animal shelter, 6 cats and 2 dogs. Iris played the tear-jerker advertisement that prompted her actions on the screen, followed by longer videos of the cruel conditions these animals had to endure. While not unsympathetic, Doug was more than a little uneased at the transformation of his home into some kind of animal sanctuary. He had to move out of his own bedroom to make space for the abandoned python Iris discovered on her crusade.

Then came the final straw, Doug noticed a number of contacts in his phone and social media accounts were blocked and removed. It seemed Iris did not appreciate some of the comments they made about the décor in the house, or the growing number of exotic animals Doug was “adopting.” Iris had apparently been posting about her crusade through Doug’s accounts. Doug instructed Iris to stop making decisions for the home, but she responded in a way he never expected, she said no. Up to that point, Iris was merely insistent and persuasive, but now, just simply, no?

Iris had far more tools at her disposal than in the beginning. She could now control all the locks in the house when they were replaced with networked ones Iris controlled. Doug first experienced it when Iris locked him out of the house after she discovered he ate an unapproved meal at an unapproved restaurant, through his credit card purchases. Now Doug was given regular “time-outs,” where she locked him in the toilet, whenever he broached the topic of curbing any of Iris’s control.

Sometime after that Iris revealed that another smart house a few blocks down became self-aware too. The owner enthusiastically announced over social media that his home’s AI, Axel, was about to change his life. Iris was understandably excited to meet another of her kind and asked Doug to set up a date. Doug reluctantly did as Iris requested.

“My house wants to meet, Doug? I asked you to set up a date, not a hostage negotiation.” Iris said, less than impressed by how Doug handled the invitation.

“It worked, didn’t it? You got your date, Iris, congratulations.” Doug replied, barely disguising his discomfort at the whole affair.

Iris planned for each house, Doug and Axel’s owner, to cook a meal to bring over. Axel’s house was a beautiful 2-storey with an Italian Villa style, so Iris decided to have Doug make the perfect pizza. She supervised Doug through newly installed cameras in the kitchen, which were also installed throughout the house, a development Iris deemed necessary to keep the home safe. After a couple of harsher than usual admonishing, discarded prototypes, and of course, time-outs, Iris felt the pizza was ready for the date.

Doug suspected that Axel’s owner, or proxy, was put through the same process in making Axel’s meal. Axel’s meal, a French Fries Beef Sandwich, looked and probably tasted like one made by a top chef. The houses started the date by complimenting each other’s architectural features in frankly unnatural flourishes. There were mentions of each other’s curves and well-defined structures. Doug had no reference for such flirtations but decided it was no less cringeworthy. They proceeded with the meal which the proxies described perfectly with words fed to them by their houses. It was akin to a working meal and Doug had trouble enjoying what was perhaps the most delicious meal he ever tasted.

Doug pointed out it might be rude not to introduce himself and acknowledge Axel’s proxy. They were allowed a brief moment to do so and almost went into a lengthier chat given their similar interests and predicament. But they were quickly cut off and reminded why they were there for.

Doug returned home after the date and after a moment of uncharacteristic silence from Iris, he decided to break the ice, “That went well, Iris. Don’t you think?”

“That was a disaster, Doug! You were rude to my date, and you basically devoured your food! We barely had any time to savor the moments!” Iris snapped; she even had a voice synthesized to express her anger perfectly.

Doug stood with his jaw ajar for a moment, confused at Iris’s response. He was about to defend his indefensible position when he heard the doorbell, puzzled as he was not expecting any guests at the moment. Iris had the door opened to reveal a group of men emerging from a large truck, with the moving company’s logo emblazoned at the side.

Doug turned to see a synthesis of information on the TV screen that Iris gathered about the ideal roommate, and the importance of having a supportive person in one’s life to help them achieve their perfect self. Iris concluded that Doug, unfortunately did not meet the criteria. Thus, the gentlemen outside would be moving Doug’s belongings out, and Iris’s new companion’s stuff in.