Reverie (And a Happy New Year)

When the ball drops at twelve, the whole world will erupt into a frenzy of fireworks, alcohol, and happiness. The excitement fills the air in every home and heart in the neighborhood. 

"Welcome!" my neighbor smiles. Her face is contorted by her colorful festive lights, sculpting her bright and cheerful smile. "Happy almost New Year!" She takes my gift of wine out of my hands and gestures her hands into her already bustling New Year's party. "I'm so glad you and your boyfriend could make it. Come on in!"

We carefully put our shoes next to the door and made our way to her living room.

"Thank you for inviting us," I smile nervously and look around the house. "It's very nice, the way you've decorated it."

"You flatter me," she laughs “So," She carefully leads us to her sunken couch and brushes the tinsel off the seat. "What is your new year’s resolution?” asks my neighbor, passing me a glass of champagne. The world is alight, and the mood is cheerful. The Christmas tree is still lit from the holiday just before. It is warm, comforting, and amicable, matching perfectly with the exciting atmosphere of the room.

“Hm, I’m not sure,” I say awkwardly, just as I would every year. I stir my water gently as though doing so would somehow, magically, give me an answer to that question.

“How about you?” She moves on to my boyfriend. “What is your New year’s resolution?” 

“Let’s see,” He crossed his legs and put his hand down on his lap, and stares us all in the eyes. “Something measurable. I will exercise more, maybe about three times a week. I will read …” 

I slowly shrink in my seat. I feel small, scared, and sweaty. It was strange to be in such an excitement-filled room and feel so empty. It was strange to be in a room full of people and still feel so alone. It was strange to be in such a warm and friendly atmosphere and still feel so cold.

"What's wrong?"

I look up and see my boyfriend alone looking down at me "Huh? Where did she go?" I uncross my legs and look around just to realize my neighbor had already left. 

"Oh, she left a while ago," he says as he sips his glass and slowly sits down next to me. "But yeah, you're really blanking out a lot."

"Yeah, I guess so," I look down at my feet.

"Hey," He grabs my hands. "Look at me. Something's wrong, right? This is about your parents, right?" He looks me anxiously in the eye.

I stare at him blankly. "No, I'm really ok, don't worry about it." I smile at him, but I can't really control my emotions well. To my disbelief, tears start to fall from my eyes. 

He looks shocked for a moment. Then he sighs and brushes his hair back. "Tell me, how sad would they be to see their daughter crying in a room without them? How upset would they be to know that you haven't been enjoying New Years' just because they can't see you in real life right now? You will see them again soon," He holds my shoulders as if to reassure me. "I'm telling you right now, let's facetime them tonight after we go home. We can go see them this weekend, you know what, I'll get the tickets now if you want. So let's just enjoy this moment together, right now, ok?"

I stare at him and nod softly with gratitude. His hair has hints of gold and blue from the twinkling lights all around the room. I can feel his concern pouring into me. I can feel his warm hands holding mine, trying desperately to make me feel better. I understand exactly what he is saying. 

"Oh, the count down is starting!" I gasp excitedly, wipe my tears off my face, and point at the masses of people gathering behind him. Our neighbors looked at us smiling and motioned us to come over and join them. 

He sighs and looks relieved. We both stand up and join the crowd of people in front of the TV.

"Ten!"

"Nine!"

"Eight!"

"Seven!"

"Six!"

"Five!"

"Four!"

"Three!"

"Two!"

"One!"

The earth shook that small apartment as we all jump up and down. I hug him tight and look out the window. The moon shines through and blesses us with a happy new year.

From that place, I could feel a silent conviction wash over me. It swept over my hands, legs, and heart. It took me in so naturally, like how the sun tenderly blankets the Earth, like a wave of relief from taking ibuprofen during a splitting headache. 

Every new year is a time of change. It is a time when the world comes together in unison to embrace the change to come. When the clock strikes twelve, the world makes a conviction together. A promise that together, we would make things better, make things right, make things the way we want them to be. With that, we all look forward to a brighter future.

I will make a conviction as well. I will make a conviction to change. I will become a better person, for myself and the people who care about me. I will leave my grief behind. I will start fresh and look forward to tomorrow. 

This year I had finally moved out of my parents' house, to study and work and be an adult. This is also my first New Year that I haven’t spent with my parents. Their absence continues to resonate in my head tonight. But tomorrow, when a new year comes, I will resolve to let go of my parent’s tight embrace. I will thoroughly welcome my role and grow as an adult. I will accept that things are the way they are, for myself and for the better. I will change myself so that the sun will shine optimistically onto me. I will walk into a world bathed in light, sanctuary, and relief.