No Recourse

They say I’ve become obsessed with escaping. But what alternative is there? They say I need to be here. I belong here. I have been sentenced to spend more time than I’ve been allotted by life, I know that. I do not wish to die in this place. It is not the dying that frightens me however, but the fact that in here, you are alone.  So alone, even when surrounded by others, you are alone. They are alone. Everyone in this place is alone, with only themselves to provide a means of escape.

Some read to escape. Some sing, some exercise, some do nothing. I’ve watched them. They shrivel like fruit, their juices leaving them imperceptibly at first. That sparkle in their eye turns to a cataract blur that is unmistakable. There is not much to do after that point has been reached, but watch.

There are many ways to die, causing yourself to disappear a day at a time should not be acceptable, but there is no one here to object to. It has become all too routine to think anything of it. We have been regimented to the point of seeing disappearance as the only means to freedom.

I have promised myself I will not attempt my departure, by escaping life. What would be the reward, in leaving on their terms. No, I will escape on my own terms. I will not chisel away at the concrete wall, digging a tunnel out of this place. It is an impractical solution, to a practical problem.

I’ve watched the movies. A pocketful of dirt a day left discreetly in the courtyard, that kind of stuff. No one notices. Most people would have no idea how many decades it would take to remove thousands of cubic yards of material with a spoon. Yes, I have contemplated the idea, and found it lacking in inspiration.

I believe the only possible solution is to possibly become invisible. I know that sounds more impossible than escaping a spoonful at a time, but it is far more practical. We, all of us in here, have been practicing disappearing for years. Taking it one step further, doesn’t seem impossible. The mind is a powerful tool that has not been explored to its full potential. 

If it is possible to leave this place by reading about another place, absorbing the culture, ambiance, smells, why would it not be possible to transport not only your mind, but your body as well. Not magic, but dissolving into a nothingness, a kin to a dream. One that is so real you can feel the suns warmth, and feel earths life beneath your feet, but you no longer have a body. 

I believe it possible to not only mentally and spiritually remove oneself from this place, but to transform physically as well. What is to prevent the transference? We are capable, with only a portion of our brain to find a way to the moon, mars. We’ve landed a probe on a moving comet! Why would it be impossible to find a way to physically disappear and then reappear in a different place; free at last, great God almighty, free at last. 

We cannot account for the mysteries of the universe, but that does not prevent us from appreciating them, attempting to understand their origins, their power. Our minds are capable of many things that have never been considered or attempted, because we have convinced ourselves of the impossibility. What if we used that power to dispel that notion, and consider further, the possibility of transference.

Over the previous two years I have watched this crack in the wall grow in length. It began as only a slight infraction in the walls integrity. It now has grown to about twelve inches in length. The wall is a foot thick, so it isn’t going to fall down or anything. That would be too easy. 

In an effort to prove my theory I decided to stop its aggressive expansion. I watch it, feel its power, and overcome its power with my own. I believe it has stopped its progress. It has not grown in months. 

This new found strength has given me hope. I attempted just last week to cause the bars of my enclosure to disappear. Not all the bars, that would be presumptuous; only one. I’ve learned from my experience with the wall that if I communicate my intentions to it, it responds. I am not asking it to do anything impossible, only to accept the fact that my power is greater than its ability to object. I have no intention of harming it, or disrupting its purpose, I’ve made that perfectly clear. I only want it to allow me to use its power to disappear, become invisible.

To my surprise and I’m sure that of the iron bar itself, it disappeared, became invisible. If that is possible with something as tactile as iron, I know it is possible with living things. If water can be turned into vapor and returned to a liquid state, I know it is possible for my cells to become one with the air, dissipate like smoke in the wind, blow to a different place. 

Just this morning, I made an apple disappear. Same principle, as the liquid and gas transformation. Most living things are predominantly water. It is of great advantage when transforming a physical form, which is only an illusion anyway, into its basic components.

Ted my neighbor, thinks I am being overly optimistic. Although he believes my concept is impossible, he is accepting of the possibility. He asks questions about the process which indicates he believes in the possibility, even if he claims not to. I told him he should practice; he just laughs. But today he was gone. He had more time to serve than me, so I know he wasn’t moved. They don’t do that here. Maybe he vanished like I told him he could. It gives me the optimistic boost I needed. 

I can only suspect it worked for Ted. No one talks much here, so I can’t find out anything. If he disappeared I suspect they would pretend he died, or some such thing, to make it all seem possible. How else could they explain his disappearance, and then later, mine.

I have begun to experiment with making my foot invisible, and it works. My shoe remained, but my foot was gone. I can only imagine what they will say when they find all that is left of me, is my clothing. I will have to find new clothes, but that shouldn’t be much of a problem. If I can get out of here, I can get into places as well. When you can’t be seen, you don’t really need clothes anyway. I suppose if I can be invisible I can also keep from being too hot or cold. Discomfort is relative anyways.     

I can’t understand why more people don’t just disappear, rather than spend their lives locked away, enjoying only the freedom they are allowed. Having to follow their orders, live by their rules. God, it will be good to be free again.

This Friday is Good Friday, they tell me. Easter just a few days away. They wanted to know if I wanted the Chaplin to visit. I’m also getting to choose what I want to eat, something special, not what they just want to give me. Not the usual gruel like stuff, some kind of flavored mush.

I can’t help but wonder if they will see the significance in my disappearance, the similarity with Jesus’s escape from the tomb. I should really stick around just to see the expressions on their faces when they show up Friday morning, and find only my clothes. But I’ve decided when I leave, I’m not sticking around. I can imagine what they will look like when they discover I’m gone. I don’t need to be here for that.

I’ve also wondered if it is possible I might run into Ted. I don’t even know what he looks like. We aren’t supposed to talk to one another either, but what were they going to do if we broke their rules, kill us? I know there are rules about things like that, so I’m not too worried.

I can’t wait to see what it’s like on the other side. I need to practice a little more, so I get it right. I’m only going to get one chance at this, and it has to work. I’m tired of being alone, and I don’t want to die in here, it is too lonely for that. I’d like to be with other people, its been a long time. Not that I like people all that much, but I guess you get to missing what you don’t have. 

There, my hand is gone. Perhaps I should try something else, the wall perhaps, or see if I can find Ted. Maybe he could give me some tips. He couldn’t have gone far. He’s only been gone a short time now. I hope he made it to where ever he needed to be. I haven’t decided where to go yet. Perhaps home, see what it’s like after all this time. But then, why torture myself. I know things can never be the same again, no matter how hard I might try. What do they say, you can’t go home again. 

I hear someone coming. They must be bringing me my special Easter dinner. I hope it is as good as I imagined it would be. Been a long time since I got to pick what I wanted to eat.

Both my hands are gone now. I wonder if they will notice. I’d best remain to the side of the door so they can’t see me. I can feel just how close to freedom I am, and I like the feeling. I suppose I should eat something before it gets cold. They did go to a lot of trouble.  I don’t want to appear unappreciative. I wasn’t raised that way.