Wandering Elephants

When there isn’t anything else going on it's really hard to ignore what you want, and it's really hard to ignore what's stopping you from getting it. He really should find other things to do, as when he is waiting there’s nothing from stopping him from seeing it all. I feel really guilty always doing something, I feel like if he had other things to do it wouldn't be so hard. It's quite uncomfortable when I think back on it, for I've been in his spot before. Sitting and watching the leaves fall would be better than feeling like you've been stood up. I think of it all every time I'm sitting in the car, too stuck to own up to the elephant in our life. Taking responsibility would mean stepping out of the car and taking the step is excruciating. 

What if in the past my ex felt this way, does this make him any less wrong? I can always see others’ problems so simply but never mine. It is only when I’m standing at the gateway, that I can draw the parallel. I wish it were so uncomplicated as a straight line, I understand parallels, this math is transparent, nothing hidden beneath the surface of two lines, never touching. I  do not understand the things I feel, the messy clutter of the mind is a never ending pigsty, a wall in the face of clarity. Did he feel the same, was this why he always seemed just out of reach, begging for release? 

I cannot think of anything other than myself with ease and I've been becoming more painfully aware of this for a short while. With every jab from him about being gone I feel the elephant growing, a greedy creation that feeds off of unfulfilled responsibility, remorse, and regret. I can't be the only one that feels the tension growing. With each gasp of air, we get more strained and I hope I can be the better that I want to see. 

I've been let down like this before, time and time again, I revisit the feelings of the past and the elephant takes more of my air. Being better is hard, I don't want to change, I want to stay myself, but that means every time I go to tread on, I lose the ability to see. I am blinded by myself, my vision obscured by the presence of selfishness and arrogance, the part of me that grows and recedes with the tides, one large mammal, one who is very easy to see, but as it turns out, quite hard to exterminate.

I feel at home when I'm with him, and I know he feels the same, I love the way his eyes light up with me, and I hate when I see them darken. When we’re together we connect again, and he would do anything for the connection, and I’m a little less well versed than that. I want to show him I care, because I do, I want to show him that I have feelings and that I feel quite strongly, I just don't know how to put it into words, or even actions. I can see the disappointment in his face and feel the dissatisfaction in the air as I beg for another chance. I will be better, I will be better, I will be better, it repeats in my head over and over again as I’m on my way, an hour late, again. The elephants are making their way into the space, one by one, but as soon as I'm with him, as soon as I’m home, they walk away, for there’s nothing to feed on here, not now, not in this moment, not in his arms. 

When the elephants go home is when we are the most happy. I respect him and our differences but I have a long way to go, he is worth the change, and he deserves something different from waiting and doubting. I have no hint of uncertainty in that he feels it as they go home. I know in my heart that he has his own problems, and I love him all the same. All that comes from him is kind in some way, and everything that I see is beautiful, but how do I know what I don't see. Love is opening your eyes, but I just can't seem to open them wide enough to see past myself. I need to learn, I am learning, I just hate making him wait, again and again. 

I have my good days and so does he. He has his bad days and so do I. We have our elephants that seem to take up so much space in the room, It's appalling. Seeing them is easy when they seem to be taking all the air from you, they are huge after all. When something is as massive as that, it makes some waves in the peace, but how do you  get rid of them? It’s not as simple as the world makes it out to be and it’s not as easy as it sounds on paper. Negative personality traits are challenging, not to mention how difficult it is to even begin to adapt, every day you are faced with a choice of improving yourself, and sometimes it goes well and other times it doesn't. The point is that time is linear, one minute will turn into an hour, and the hours will turn into days, days into weeks into months into years. That is constant, and will always be constant. The sun rises on the horizon in the east and marks the dawn of something new, but improvement is ever-changing. As people, we all have our problems, and we have natural greed, getting over it is hard, and it is far from linear. 

Deciding if it really is worth it to make the effort is a battle we all face daily, I know him and I will be okay, because it will be worth the wait for me to emerge a better woman.