Where's my baby?

It was a regular day like any other day. I wake up, get myself and my son dressed and ready for work and daycare. My son was 11 months old at the time. I was 6 months pregnant with twin boys. I was in so much pain, I barely got myself out of bed. I was a single mom and the only source of income in our household, so I had no choice but to push through whatever pain I was going through. I dropped my son off at daycare. I gave him all the hugs and kisses I could. "Have a good day baby. I love you" I said to him. I left and headed to work. I worked for a car dealership as an appointment coordinator. It was jsut me and two other women in an extremly small closet space, I cant say it was a room or office it was so small.

" Wow, that smells good." I said as I walked in headed towards my desk.

"Good Morning Jess." my collegue said.

"Good Morning." I replied.

Already the phones were ringing off the hook. People calling to scheudle maintenance for their vehicles.

"Good Morning, sunnyside toyota how may I help you?" I asked while I answered a phone call.

"Yes, I'd like to schedule an oil change for my 2017 Camry." the customer said. Before I could even ask for the customers name I began to feel extremly nauseas.

" Im sorry, one moment please." I ran to the restroom and vomited whatever I had for dinner last night. I felt better after that. So I went back into the office space and continued to work. A few moments later I got really hot and began to sweat profusly. I felt nauseas again. Damn I think I have to throw up again. Oh my god I feel like Im dying. What did I eat? I thought to myself. I explained to my manager that I felt ill and needed to head home. I needed to lay down. I was now throwing up stomach acid, I had nothing left. I felt horrible. On the way home I decided to pick up my son from daycare so that I wouldnt have to worry about getting up later. This was extremly difficult being a sick single mother with a toddler. I couldnt tend to my baby like I wanted to. He needed me, he cried for me, he reached for me, but at this point I was so weak I could barely move. I called his grandmother to assist.

"Please keep him for the night I've been throwing up all day. I cant help him right now, I feel terrible." I begged his grandmother.

" Absolutely, I am on my way sweethart." she said.

My son cried until she got to my house. He was hungry, his diaper was full, and he was tired. He just wanted me to hold him and love on him. I couldnt.

"You need to go to the er. What if something is wrong with the babies?" she said. And she was right. I hadnt felt any movement from any of the babies all day. What if something was wrong? She drove me to the emergency room, but did not stay with me because my mom was on her way. They immediately admitted me and sent me up to triage. I put on the gown and laid on the hospital bed. A nurse walked in with a smile.

"Im just gonna do an ultrasound to check on the babies ok?" the nurse said.

"Ok," I responded nervously.

The nurse put the cold gel on my baby and used the wand to locate the babies heartbeats. She was quiet and turn the sound down on the ultrasound machine. She was looking at the screen for about 4 mintues, moving the wand at different angles. She left and then came back with another nurse. This nurse did the same thing. A doctor came in and asked me what happened. I told him how sick i was all of a sudden.

He looked at the ultrasound screen, took the wand from the nurse. A few moments later the second nurse grabbed my hand and the doctor said " We found baby A's heartbeat, its strong at 160 beats per minute. But we could not find baby B's heartbeat. I am sorry."

I looked at him.

" I just had a ultrasound appointment a few days ago, both of them are fine. Both heartbeats were high! They both were just health I dont understand. Is this why I got sick??!!" I cried.

" No I dont think this is why you were sick." he replied.

"Let me see the ultrasound, maybe... maybe you missed it." I said. They turned the screen to me. They showed me my live babies heartbeat, but when they wen to baby B, it was dark. There was no flicker. No movement. Where is my baby??!! What happened to my baby???

The nurse holding my hand grabbed onto me tight and asked " Do you pray? Do you believe in a higher power?"

I cried " Pray? I thought there was a God, but right now I dont know anymore. God took my baby." After that, what God? The same God that made me carry both babies to term? I had to carry my dead son for three more months, being reminded at every ultra sound appointment that there was nothing there. What kept me going was my healthy baby. Not God. What God? The same God that didnt heal my relationship when I begged and pleaded? What God? The mercyful one, that apparently didnt have mercy on me? God took my baby selfishly. The same God that prepared me for two babies but only left me with one. What God?.....

The same God that, even though I lost my baby, pulled me through post partum depression. The same God that blessed me with another healthy son. The same God that never left me. I felt alone but I was never alone. The same God that carried me through the darkest times in my life. I didnt know it until I reached the light. That God that will never leave me nor foresake me. My faith was hanging by a thread until I started fiding the beauty of be alive.