Life as Hayley Williams

I remember since the age of four I would often think about wanting to live a different life. I was in quite emotional pain and longed nothing more for happiness. This is when I developed depression although at the time I did not know that. At this time in my life, my family was living together but had already grown apart. There was domestic violence and abuse in the household. I went into foster care two years later.

In the second grade, at recess I would stare at the house across the street from the school. It was a blue little house and there were young children who often played outside in the front yard. The parents would be outside with the kids. I would wish to myself to have a family like that. All I saw was the perfect family. This family was so happy and "put together". When I lived with my former foster family, we attended church regularly. I would go to Sunday school so I learned about God. So whenever I was at recess I would pray to God and ask for a happy family like this one someday. Church seemed to be the only thing that connected me to my foster family. On other days of the week, we were not close at all.

At the age of ten, I started to develop deeper thinking thoughts and processes. I would often ask myself if life was really a thing. "Is life real?" I became emotionally numb. I would have dreams about trading souls with people I admired. In my dreams, I would do anything to live another person's life. These dreams stuck with me for a long time and I became fixated on them. A year later, I started to feel very disassociated. I felt like life was an illusion. This was when I developed suicidal ideations.

If I could go back to this time in my life before these emotions and thoughts had begun, I would tell myself to put myself in other people's shoes. It would be quite weird if I were to literally swap places with a person in a Freaky Friday type style. If I were to swap bodies with a person for a day, I do wonder what life would be like, but I also don't want to know. As I've grown older, I've learned that everybody has their own battles and pain; there is no justification.

In case you are wondering, "if you had to swap places with a person for a day, who would it be?" I would say one of my favorite music artists. I have a burning passion for music, it touches me in ways that words cannot. Music is motivating and definitely helps me cope with emotions and life. So here I am going to swap places with Hayley Williams.

Living a day as Hayley Williams, the first thing I would do is wake up at eight in the morning and take a shower. I would sing in the shower and listen to my beautiful voice, as sweet as an angel. I would then get out, dry off and get dressed, then look in the mirror as I'm doing my makeup. I'd brush my beautiful long hair and think to myself, "I wonder how I got this far? I wonder what kind of family I was raised in?"

After finishing getting ready for the day, I would set mission to gather all the information about my family that I could. I'd find out that I have two half-sisters and my parents divorced years after I was born. I would come to the conclusion that I was broken inside because I came from a broken family; often I'd feel emotions of depression and anger. Later that day, I would skimmer through my journal and realize that music is what keeps me going, it's a way of expressing myself so I am heard. At the same time I hope others can relate to me and get the help that they need too. After reading the journal, I would ponder all the ways to create my own happiness. I'd go to bed that night and wake up the next day with the impression that I'd have a changed mindset.

The next day I wake up and feel like a new person although I'm back in my own body. Hayley Williams does the same. She doesn't know me and I don't know her, but we both learn something knew. We both have gone through similar experiences and neither of us are alone. I look up counseling offices to set up an appointment so I can talk about my trauma and to deal with my emotional problems more easily. Hayley Williams continues to write and play her music, as well as feeling stronger emotionally. She realizes that she can battle depression but it will be a challenge. Sometimes friends are all you need, family isn't necessarily blood but it can be just as real as loyalty. Family is what you make of it.

It can be hard seeing families not having marriage problems and they seem happy with their kids. It can be hard for some people like us because we have not experienced that with our own parents. That bond is something we all desire. However, we have to remember that every family does have problems. There is no such thing as the perfect family. We don't always see it because people don't like sharing their pain with the world, but people do have their own stories to tell. We need to give them a moment to gather their thoughts and to let them know that they are in a safe space. We all need to work together to make this world a better and happier place.

One day I plan to have a family of my own. I like to write and create art so I hope to bring foster care awareness to the public. I hope to educate them on the effects of coming from a broken family and to help them find ways to stay together. I would also like to become a counselor for youth who come from broken families and the foster care system.