Dear Diary

Dear Diary

June 5, 1996

Today is my 13^th birthday and you, diary, are one of my gifts from mom. I guess she wants me to express my feelings here instead of out loud, which I’m so comfortable doing. I told dad a secret I promised mom I wouldn’t tell. It happened so long ago I forgot it was a secret, it just came out and I didn’t realize what I said until I said it. Mom was upset with me, she told me I should think before I talk. Now I’m on punishment and won’t be able to have my party this weekend. I wish there was a way I could take it back, but I can’t. Dad is staying later at work, so her wine intake has doubled. They’ll get over it, they always do.

Besides that, I graduated eighth grade today! I’ll be in high school in three months and can’t wait to attend with my two best friends Nate and Valerie. We met each other in the 5^th grade and have been inseparable. I can’t wait until this punishment is over, we are going to celebrate my birthday the right way.   

July 6, 1997

I just got back from the graveyard and I feel sick. I knew I shouldn’t have gone! I always tell myself it’s not needed, I don’t need to look at a tombstone to feel like some one is there. Nate came with me, his uncle Lee gave us a ride there. Nate held my hand tight while I stared at the cold stone and said nothing, not even a tear fell from my eye, I felt stupid. I hadn’t been to that place for several months and was doing just fine, but today…I just had to go for some reason. It’s been a little over a year, I can still smell the blood and see that expression on her face. One day I’ll be able to face the hurt and talk about it, but for now I’m sick and want to keep myself as busy as possible like I’ve always done.

August 7, 1998

I hate it here! There’s not enough room for privacy. I had to cram myself in this tiny space in the dusty attic to avoid Ms. Debra’s nagging insults. I can’t wait until next year, I’ll done with the “Independent” program and will be able to move into my own apartment! Lucinda has been working with me and promised I’ll pass… if I could stay on good behavior. The thing is, I’m not the one starting the trouble, the trouble comes to me! Living in this group home with several other females has me on edge. I stay to myself, I don’t want any friends here, I just want to go home to my own room and bed, not sharing one with the biggest bully here name Bobbi . Last night she pushed me on the dirty floor and wouldn’t let me back in the bed. She’s just mad I wouldn’t join her little gang yesterday. I’m not dumb or naive, I’ve always figured out a way to do things my way. I can’t wait until I’m done with this whole situation! I’m ready to have my own! 

September 8, 1999

I can’t stop thinking about him. The way he looked at me all night, the way he listened to me, the way he touched me, the way he kissed me. I couldn’t believe it, at age 16, I finally had my first kiss! Not a peck, but a very deep and sensual first kiss. He said it was his first as well, which I couldn’t believe. The way I saw him with other girls, I thought he was experienced already. Then he told me he only had eyes for me since the fifth grade and had been saving himself for me. I can’t believe what I experienced and I feel all the more joy that it was with Nate. It also confirmed what I wanted to know and I did! I saw sparks and felt all the butterflies in my stomach like the fairy tales and movies described! It was perfect, like our lips belonged together.

I’m not going to tell Valerie yet. I usually tell her everything but lately she hasn’t been supportive. She’s been quite distant actually and I guess that’s how Nate and I have become closer.

This will be our little secret together. I can’t wait to see him tonight after school. I’ll have to clean my place up real nice, light some candles, put on the mix tape he made for me and cook his favorite meal, spaghetti and garlic toast.

October 9, 2000

Times like this, I wish I had my mom around. I miss her so much. I’ve tried my best to live independently and do what was needed to survive. I haven’t always been a good girl, which is why I’m in the condition I am now. I’ve called him twelve times today and he hasn’t returned them. I have no one else to talk to.

Valerie and I haven’t spoken in months and I don’t want to. She’s been calling me, but I don’t want to hear her voice right now, I cringe every time I even think about what happened.

I sent a few letters to my dad in prison over the years, but there’s only so much I can say without over stepping my boundaries. I’m trying to forgive him, but I’m so filled with anger and hurt, I’m not sure how. I want to believe he’s innocent, but I just don’t know.

So much is going on, I just need to get a break. I’m working two jobs to keep up with my bills, and now that I’ve got this new situation, I may have to drop one.

 I miss my mom, I know if she was here I wouldn’t have to go through this alone, better yet not at all. I think I’d actually still be sitting in my bedroom, filling out college essays instead of welfare applications. I’ll figure it out, I have to get through this, and from the looks of the unanswered calls, I may have to do it on my own.

November 10, 2001

He proposed to me! Even though I was in my house gown with my hair looking a mess and feeding the baby, it was absolutely perfect. Eighteen was too young for us, so we decided not to marry until we are absolutely ready, probably when we are twenty five. This has put a seal on our friendship, love, and new little family. Nate has really stepped up since Donovan has been born. Now that we are living together, he sees first hand what it’s like to be a parent. It hasn’t been easy but we’ve adjusted. On top of that I’ll be starting my new supervisor position on my job soon. Life for me right now is undeniably perfect, I can’t complain.    

December 11, 2004

It’s almost Christmas and I’m just now putting up the tree. Now I have to go shopping for gifts. I hate that I’ve been falling behind on time lately, I guess it’s the liquor I can legally drink, now that I’m 21. I go out dancing with Bobbi almost every weekend now, we’ve grown close over the years and have become drinking and dancing buddies, leaving all our troubles in the night clubs on the dance floor.

 I have a regular babysitter for the kids since Nate is always in the streets doing whatever to whomever. I can’t wait until he sign the divorce papers. I knew we shouldn’t have gotten married so young. We were so anxious in the moment and ended up getting married in court two weeks after he proposed. The past years have been a roller coaster of ups and downs, but mostly downs, especially after I found out he had another child! Let me take a quick break and take a sip, I’ll be back to spill the details…

January 12, 2008

It’s been a while! Sadly that last diary entry was the beginning of me becoming an alcoholic. Today I’m six months and seven days sober. I went to rehab on my 25th birthday last June. My dad encouraged me to go. He was let out of prison after twelve years. The killer of my mother came forward and confessed, I’m still in shock at who it was.

So my dad took care of Donovan and Natalie for me while I was in rehab. Speaking of the kids; they are now seven and four. I missed so much while I was away. It’s hard even mentioning it, but I have to get over the past and move on.

 I no longer have my childhood friends! All I know is on Halloween night in 2004, Valerie left three month old Natalie on my doorstep and left. When Nate came home from work and saw the note she had attached to the baby, he didn’t know how to justify it. We took a DNA test and she was his! Even though I was willing to stick it out with him, he signed the divorce papers that Christmas and moved out. I refused to let him have the baby due to his unstable lifestyle, and he didn’t put up a fight either. I’ve grown attached to Natalie, as weird as it may sound, she’s the only piece of my friends I have left.

February 13, 2013

Today I opened my very own online store. I’m glad I took the risk to quit my 9-5 job and trust that I had what it takes to do business my own way. I’ve networked with some pretty cool people who have helped me with resources over the past year. I’ve built up my website with items I’ll be selling. I know it will take a while to promote and build sells but I know that I can do it! I’ll be the dirty 30 this June. I’m stepping out of my fear and into my faith! Let’s see how this goes.

March 14, 2018

I have a seventeen year old senior who will be graduating this spring! Time goes so fast! Donovan is one of the youngest in his class to graduate and he has a healthy selection of colleges he’s been accepted into for Computer Engineering. Natalie is attending an advanced learning high performance school that will help her with what ever career she decides to do in the near future as well. 

I’m such a proud parent right now, I can’t believe we have made it this far together. 

My business is booming, so much that I’ve hired a small staff of trustworthy workers to help out while I concentrate on getting my children where they need to be.

I’ll be 35 soon and so far, besides my business, I own a four bedroom home, two cars, and another property that I rent to my dad and his wife. I’ll soon open another business for my kids to take over in a few years. Although it can be stressful at times, I’m content.

My dating life is OK, I’ve only had a few dates over the years that didn't quite last. Otherwise, I’ve spent well deserved time on healing and loving myself.

The only sad part right now is the fact my mother couldn’t be around to witness and indulge in my success.

I forgive Nate’s uncle for killing her. They were having an affair and he was threatened by dad. I’m not sure why killing her and blackmailing my dad was the only solution for him, but I guess there’s so much more I didn’t know or understand and I don’t care to. I do know that if it wasn’t for my big mouth giving dad a hint of what I knew, mom would still be here! I forgive myself for that too, I didn’t know any better. 

I’m at a great point in my life, I hope it last forever!

April 15, 2020

Six weeks of this COVID-19 lock-in/shutdown and I’m going insane! Although I work from home already, business has slowed down a whole lot and my children have become zombies for TV and social media. We’ve done so many Tik-Tok videos and I know I’ve gained at least ten pounds from cooking and eating day in and day out. I have faith this pandemic will end soon so we will go back to our normal lives!

Besides that, Nate and I have remarried for a little over a year now. He’s been active in his kids life on and off over the years with limited visitations and small child support funds that has helped one way or another. He changed his lifestyle for the better, and we’re connected in a way that is refreshing and much more mature than the past. We decided to give it another try and see where it leads us.

The only way I see Valerie is through Facebook. She’s still distant though. It took years to find her, but she doesn’t reach out as much as I do. I spoke with her once on the phone and she admitted to feeling guilty for knowing the details on my mother’s death and not telling me. She apologized for sleeping with Nate and becoming pregnant. She had been strung out on drugs and did not want Natalie to be apart of it, she thanked me over a hundred times for raising her daughter and promised she will keep in touch and get better. I offered her a place to stay, but she refused.

I only wish the best for everyone in life right now, I just hope we make it through these trying times alive and well. I forgive my past and the people who have wronged me, I no longer hold anger or resentment towards anyone. I’ve dealt with whatever I had to deal with to get to this point.

Life as I know it, has been a trail of lessons that has turned into blessings, and I won’t complain.