I Still Love You...

It had been a while since Lee had been in the tree house. The last time he was here, he had got into a fight with Mo and it was the fight that had ended their friendship. That was four years ago and since then a lot had changed. He had been engaged, been promoted, lost jobs, lost a baby and in all those moments, Mo was not there. This had not been easy for him, out of all the moments in his life, saying goodbye to Mo ranked as the third most heart-breaking moment, right after losing his mother and his child. 

Being in the tree house brought back so many memories for him and he never thought he would be feeling as sad as he felt for having to say goodbye to it. He had built the treehouse together with his Mo and his father. His father had made sure that the design of the tree house would be big enough to fit adults and strong enough to hold their weight. Having an architect as a father was a blessing for Lee.

A week ago Lee's father had told him that he was selling the house. He had felt that the house was too big for him and he needed something small. He was so broken when his dad broke the news to him. He thought about his childhood and how that house gave him most of his memories. Today was not only a sad day for Lee because he had to say goodbye to his tree house but it was also Mo’s birthday and it made him sad thinking about the four birthdays he had missed because of what happened. He had chosen this day specifically, hoping that saying goodbye to the tree house would finally bring him closure and finally allow him to let go of what once was. 

The tree house reminded him of all the firsts he had shared with Mo and all the great memories they had created together. It all seemed like a distant memory and it all tasted so bittersweet. He stood for a few minutes taking in everything, the emotions that he felt, his heartbeat racing and all the thoughts rushing through his mind.

This summer afternoon would have been a joyous one if he had been with Mo, saying goodbye to the tree house in a way much more fun than this. He started looking around the things they had left all those years. Regardless of how busy their lives became as they grew older, they still had managed to set aside a day or two every month to visit the tree house. They just could never let it go, but now the time to let it go had arrived. As he looked around, picking up some of the things and putting them in a box. He picked up the jewellery box that he had bought for Mo on her sixteenth birthday. They had since used it to put in things they held dear to their hearts. Pictures they had taken together, bracelets they had made for each other and jewellery that they had exchanged. As he opened the box, inside he found a black envelope. He took out the envelope and saw that it was addressed to him. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the handwriting on the envelope, the envelope was from Mo. Lee opened the envelope and inside it was a letter, he took out the letter, unfolded it and started reading it and as he was reading it, his heart was racing and he took in deep breaths every five seconds.

Dear you, with your beautiful eyes and your beautiful smile. How have you been, I’ve been good, well at least I was good till you sent me a wedding invitation. I loved the design and the message in it. How sweet of you to think of me, I didn’t think I would receive an invitation from you, not after everything that happened between us. It makes me sad really that it’s not you and I walking down the aisle, holding hands, smiling at our families, and taking in the fact that we are so blessed. Blessed to be in love and show it to the world. I write this letter sitting in our spot, remember how we built it together when we were kids and how you fell and broke your arm. Your dad was so mad, he wanted us to take the tree house down but being the good negotiators that we were, we won him over and he built us a nice-looking tree house. This tree house became our sanctuary, especially during our summer holidays, our parents knew that we only came in the house when we were hungry and when our day had ended officially. 

It had always been just the two of us, just us two, but then she came along, and everything changed. I remember how you were so excited when you told me that you had met someone, it was on that day that I realised I was in love with you and it stuck with me how heartbroken I was and how I was hoping that maybe one day you would realise that I’m actually your soul mate. Our daily random talks became more about her, how you loved her, how you worshipped the ground she walked on and how one day you would make her an honest woman. The women of your dreams, the love of your life, the moon in your sky and the beat to your songs, that’s how you always described her. Every day was a reminder of how you seemed to be more and more in love with someone that was not me. Am I selfish for wishing that she would have broken your heart and you would come running back to me like you always did when they broke your heart? I guess I am. I wanted you to myself, hell, I still do.

I was your go to girl but that changed didn’t it. I became your friend and nothing more. As years went by and I realised that you truly were in love with her, it made me become aware that it was time for me to let you go. I am sorry that we fought, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. It breaks my heart that this is really goodbye, I never pictured this day but I guess all good things do have to come to an end and so my dear friend, my one and only love, I promise to never forget you and I hope that you will never forget me. P.S I Still Love You and will always Love you. 

Lee felt his heart beat at a quick pace. He had always known that Mo was in love with him, but he was just too afraid to ever acknowledge her feelings all because he was afraid of losing her. Yet his failure to acknowledge her feelings resulted in him still losing her. Lee placed the letter on the floor, allowing everything that he had read in the letter to sink in. Mo was right, things had changed between them, they became different the moment he met his wife. It had taken a letter to make him realise the reason everything went wrong between him and Mo.

He realised that he was an idiot and allowing her to walk out of his life was the biggest mistake that he had ever made. He took out his phone and dialled Mo’s number. It had been four years since he last spoke to her on the phone or anywhere else for that matter. It had hurt when they parted ways. In truth it felt like a knife was stuck in his heart and he just could not remove it. The phone rang for a few seconds before it got answered. “hello”, Lee’s heart pounded through his chest, blood rushed to his face and he felt like if he opened his mouth to speak, he would pass out. He cleared his throat and found the courage to say hello back. The line went silent on the other end, Lee did not know if she had hung up or if she was still there but had left the phone sitting somewhere. 

“Mo” still there was no response. Lee took in a deep breath before he could speak

“I read your letter…and I must say it was quite surprising” he let out a nervous laugh. He felt like something heavy was resting on his shoulders and so he laid flat on his back and stared at the roof as he spoke on the phone.

“I honestly had been confused all these years why you ended our friendship, actually I didn’t want to admit to myself that I had always known that you were still in love with me and I chose to ignore you”

“I always saw it in the way you looked at me and yet I still carried on pretending like your feelings weren’t real…. I’m sorry Mo, I’m sorry that I hurt you, I am sorry that I got married and you weren’t there, I’m sorry that I didn’t fight for us. I’m sorry that it took me four years to read your letter, I didn’t know about it...” 

Mo had still not said anything back. Lee could hear her breathing through the phone. 

“I missed you, you know…. Four years is a long time and uhm a lot has changed since then, obviously it has, sorry” he let out a small nervous chuckle.

“before I hang up, I just wanted to say Happy Birthday, I hope you have a good one and uhm… I need you” he stayed on the phone for about two more minutes, listening to her breath. This had been a difficult and emotional phone call for him. He found solace in the fact that she had not hung up on him the moment she realised it was him. He was hopeful that maybe one day she would be open to mending things with him, allowing him back in her life, regardless of how painful it would be for her. Before hanging up, Lee felt the need to leave her with one lasting message.

“I love you and uhm...goodbye” he hung up. As soon as he hung up, he felt like a heavy weight was lifted off his chest and he could now breath. This had been a difficult phone call for him, and it was long overdue. Lee was glad that he had called her, this was the first step to getting her back, at least he hoped that it was the first step to getting her back. Lee laid on the floor for about ten minutes before he got up and started sorting through everything that he and Mo had left all those years. As he sorted through all the stuff, he came across a tape player he had bought for Mo on her 18th birthday. She had decided that they would use it to save any of their favourite songs and create a playlist for each other every year on their birthdays. Lee played one of the tapes he had found next to the tape player, the first song that came on was by Big Mountain called Baby I Love Your Way. A smile appeared on his face and he thought about how much Mo loved the song and how she always forced him to dance to it, knowing very well that he was a terrible dancer. He imagined dancing to it with Mo as he started dancing, dancing off beat and moving around the tree house. At that moment he did not care about the tree house and how it may fall apart because of him moving around. As the song came to an end, Lee sat on the floor laughing to himself, thinking about how ridiculous he must have looked dancing by himself. Without thinking, he took out his phone and dialled Mo’s number again and called her, it sent him straight to voicemail. He decided to leave a message for her. 

“I was listening to our all-time favourite tune” he started laughing “I bet I looked stupid dancing by myself plus I’m a terrible dancer, I just felt I should let you know, okay now, bye” he hung up the phone and laughed even more. This song had brought back so many memories. He thought about how every song they had added on the tape held its own memory. The first kissed they shared, the first time they slept together, their first breakup, their friendship song. All the tapes stacked in the box, held beautiful songs that meant so much to them. He stood up and carried on packing whilst listening to the tape. Each item that he placed in the box held its own special memory, he could not imagine himself throwing them away. He honestly felt like it would be an abomination to throw everything away, so he decided he would keep it and maybe Mo would also want to keep something. 

Spending his afternoon in the tree house made him realise how much of a fool he was back then and it helped him realise that he had lost the one friend that understood him way better than he understood himself. He had lost Mo not because he did not realise that they were still in love with each other, but it was because Lee did not want to admit the feelings that he had for her. 

As soon as Lee was done packing everything, he placed all the boxes next to the door and he looked around one last time and, in his heart, he said goodbye. Goodbye to the place that gave him a childhood, a place that gave him firsts and lasts, a place that gave him so many memories. As hard as it was saying goodbye, he knew that he had to. He smiled to himself and felt at peace. He picked up the letter that he had left on the floor, held it close to his heart and turned around to face the door. As he was about to head out, Mo came inside the tree house. Lee took a step back and looked at her. His heart started beating so fast he felt like he was about to stop breathing. Their eyes met as Mo raised her heard. He looked at her and right at that moment, he admitted to himself what he had known all along but had been too afraid to admit, that he was still in love with her.

The End...