Being Bi In India

I promise I'm not a creep.

Well, I try not be but sometimes I just can't help but take a double take (sometimes a triple too) whenever I see a beautiful girl walking around. And hey, it's not I'm the only one who does that.

Sure, there aren't a lot of bisexual girls in this country who openly showcase their interest in a girl and end up looking like a lost puppy gazing at a random stranger. But hey, cut some slack alright? There is a really good reason as to why I stick with just looking and lamenting over my singlehood instead of shooting my shot.

"Hi. Sorry for bothering you but I just wanted to say that I think you look really pretty."

Great opening line for a conversation with a stranger right?

NO!

Not when you are a girl, hitting on a girl in a majorly homophobic society and very little awareness about sexuality amongst people.

"I'm sorry, but do I know you?" - Standard reply which is expected but rarely received because hey, why should I be polite with a stranger who's talking to me nicely and just complimented me?

The most common response has to be a confused, borderline disgusted face expression, followed by a cold shoulder. This is a clear indication that she's not interested in any sense whatever.

Otherwise, it's either of the following responses -

1. Instant Friend-Zone

"Oh thank you. I think you look nice too."

A friendly response, followed by a friendly smile.

"This might sound really weird, but I was thinking if I could get your number, because I would love to get to know you more."

At this point, I'm literally shaking with nervousness. Asking for their number is the second most nerve-racking stage of the conversation. Which is the most, you ask? You'll see.

"Umm, why do you want my number?"

Here comes the crossroad, it's either coming out as a bisexual to a complete stranger and tell them that you are asking them out on a date, or friend zone yourself and hope that someday you might be able to tell them that you are attracted to them.

This, right here is where I'm ready to throw in the towel and take off running. Anxiety shooting through the roof, I just stand there contemplating my life decisions while that girl simply walks away.

Pre-mature heartbreaks hurt a lot, especially when you know that you never had a chance.

2. Stranger Danger

A straight up ignore to my actions is something I'm used to (flirting with friends is really very masochistic).

But my desperate heart never understood when to stop.

"Hey, I know this really random and you might not even know why a girl is out of nowhere talking to you, but I'd like to know you better. That is if you agree too."

Pretty lame, right? I know but when you're standing next to a pretty girl and trying to talk to her, you tend to say a lot of lame things, so excuse me.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to talk to you. I don't actually socialise with strangers."

And then they simply walk away, unaware of the fact that they just took my heart and squeezed the life out of it.

Rejections are something you can never get completely used too, no matter how many times you face them. Believe me, I know. The sheer amount of times I've been rejected by girls, be it by simply disregarding my advances and laughing them off or just walking away from the awkward situation, I could write an entire book titled,

"How to 'NOT' Ask a Girl Out if You Are a Girl!

|100+ Ways that you should AVOID to achieve Success|"

Speaking of painful rejections, the worst has to be having my sexuality ignored for the sake of normality. The best example of this are conversations with friends.

Usually people think that talking with friends is easy, that they understand each other and open about such things.

Again, NO!

Not when most people treat LGBTQ+ people like how they deal with people with special abilities.

They exist, it's completely normally and should be treated equally. Of course, everyone believes that the rest should treat them nicely. But when faced with the same situation, they end up being ignorant and arrogant.

Yeah, ableism is real. Get your facts straight.

"Hey man, could you not talk that way? It's really weird."

"Dude, you really should not flirt with everyone you see. That's so uncomfortable to look at. "

"Could you not always talk about your sexuality? It's not your entire personality, you know."

"Can we talk about something a bit more relatable please? Most of us are straight, you know."

I mean, I understand where they are coming are from. Since I also believed that I was straight for quite a while, I know that they might feel a bit out of place. But being called out like this every time, just because my tastes are different, is really painful and embarrassing.

To a point where I feel that it's easier to act like I'm straight and deal with the rising internal homophobia, than to actually be myself and face the embarrassment of not being able to have a conversation with my "friends" and supposedly making them uncomfortable.

All this, is not a unique experience. People from LGBTQ+ community everywhere face these kinds of situations every single day, ranging from external symbols to false realisations about being fake, abnormal, wrong.

But yeah, this has been my journey from being a happy, bubbly 'straight' extrovert to becoming a reclusive and quite bisexual, who spends most of time watching lesbian and gay Tik-Toks, reading absurd Fan Fictions, confused between dying my hair and piercing my ears, always keeping a filter on my words because I'm not ready to come out to my parents, thinking and re-evaluating my sexuality.

(Am I actually straight and pretending to be Bi just for attention?

Or am I really a lesbian and pretending to be attracted to guys because of compulsory heterosexuality?

Or am I pansexual and unaware about it because I'm afraid of the consequences of being outed?

Or am I asexual and just pretending to be attracted to someone just for validation?)

And imagining how it would feel like to have a life where I don't need to worry about whom I love.

~~~~~

And to anyone who's reading this and going through this too, I'm really sorry that this world can't treat you right, like you deserve to be.

I'm really sorry that you aren't able to be happy being yourself.

And I hope that someday, this all will change for better. And it doesn't, well we all are gonna die one day anyway right?