Step Back in Time

“Hi Kylie, you don’t know me but I’m your biggest fan. I’ve got all your CDs. I’ve been to see you in concert loads of times. I love to stream your songs. Really I’m your biggest number one fan.”

“If you don’t leave the set now, I’m going to call security.”

“But you don’t understand. I’ve got a proposition for you. I’ve travelled here from the future and…”

“Security!”

How had I found myself in Australia in the mid-80s on the set of Neighbours talking to pop megastar Kylie Minogue as she was about to film a scene in the popular much-loved daytime soap? Perhaps you might possibly think I have invented some sort time machine that allows me to travel throughout time jumping from period to period, changing events and generally messing with the time continuum or whatever it is called. But that would be ridiculous, like something out of an episode of Dr. Who. In fact, my ability to travel through time had come about completely by accident.

In my final year at Cambridge I had been recruited by MI5. My parents had wanted me to go and work for Marks and Spencer and of course I couldn’t tell them that I was working for MI5 so I told them that I was in fact working for Marks and Spencer but at head office rather than in one of the stores. Every Christmas I bought them lots of presents from Marks and Spencer and pretended that I had a staff discount. They were very proud of me. They never guessed that my days were actually spent providing top secret admin support to British assassins bumping off Russian diplomats.

Anyway, in 2019 I was asked to volunteer for some experiments with the testing of a new truth drug that MI5 were developing. I know it sounds like something out of a James Bond film and in fact we had got the idea from an old episode of the Avengers. After my third dose of the truth drug I had fallen asleep and slept for about 16 hours. When I woke up I was amazed to find it was no longer 2019 but 2003.

At first I was so amazed that I didn’t know what to do. Was I trapped in 2003? How could I get back to 2019? But I made the most of the opportunity – I went into a local Marks and Spencer and bought a packet of biscuits that were discontinued in 2009 but had always been one of my mum’s favourites. I also popped into Woolworths and bought some blank VHS cassettes as it was getting harder to buy them anywhere in 2019. Fortunately after a couple of hours of wandering through the shopping centre I fell asleep and then woke up again back in 2019. I still had the biscuits and the VHS cassettes so I realised that not only did I have the power to travel through time but also the ability to buy things from shops and bring them back to the present day. My mum was very pleased with the biscuits and I put the VHS cassettes to good use taping episodes of Celebrity Pointless. The possibilities were endless, just as long as I had enough cash with me and didn’t need to rely on a debit card that was before its start date.

I volunteered to try out the truth drug again. The next time exactly the same thing happened. And the third time. The more times this happened, the more I brought back from previous times. I’m not ashamed to say that I started to make some money from it. There is a real market nowadays for anything retro. Not a fortune but enough to buy myself a few luxuries from Argos. Although I was always careful not to spend too much in case other people became suspicious. So to be on the safe side I gave some of the money to charity and sponsored a giraffe.

I gradually realised that I could control this ability. If I concentrated very carefully about where I wanted to go and in what time period then I would wake up in the required destination. It didn’t always work perfectly but I was getting better and better. I was training myself to control it. I was harnessing this power for the good of humanity in a small way.

It was turning into a nice little business, not enough for me to consider resigning from MI5 and anyway I needed to keep my supplies of the truth drug.

I kept thinking that there was something that I was missing. Then I had a brainwave. I decided I would travel back in time and generate my own memorabilia signed by stars before they became famous. Imagine getting a young Frank Sinatra to sign some of his records. Or chatting to Ali and getting him to autograph a pair of boxing gloves. Or meeting up for coffee with Marilyn Monroe and persuading her to sign some photos of herself.

That is how I found myself in Australia in the 1980s on the set of Neighbours chatting to Kylie Minogue and about to ask her to autograph some copies of Neighbours scripts.

Before I could ask her the big security guard grabbed me round the neck and tried to drag me off the set. I struggled but he was too strong for me. My MI5 training had mostly concentrated on spreadsheets and records management.

As he pulled me away from the stars of the show I heard Kylie chatting to Jason Donovan and could just make out what they were saying.

“Jason, that was some crazy guy who was going on about my CDs. Why would I ever make a CD? I’m an actress. I don’t have time to make CDs.”

“Hey Kylie, maybe it’s not such a bad idea. You can sing. You sing great. And you don’t want to be stuck in a soap for the next 30 years.”

“I should be so lucky!!