Am I Lying

Even I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to pull this off. The look in her eyes told me exactly what I didn’t want to see. Trust. Trust built over the course of six months, the furthest I’ve ever made it with talking to someone. Was this really the right choice? I’d done so much. We’ve done so much.

Yet I could feel the overwhelming feelings of guilt and glee meshing inside of me. I hadn’t been caught. And maybe I wouldn’t ever be caught. I could do it again. 

“But I don’t want to.” I say to myself. I look over to her sleeping form and pull her tighter into my chest. She squirms for a moment before opening an eye and looking at me. Then promptly falling back to sleep. If the increasing volumes of her snores were any indication.

Listening to the low hum of the TV as it played some recorded Tuesday Special I let my mind wander to what I would inevitably do. The plan was simple honestly. I would give her a relaxing day. Cook some dinner for the both of us. Head over to the room for some funny movies, maybe some snacks on the side? Take that small bottle of wine from the fridge that we’ve had for a while. Butter her up to what I was about to tell her.

“I’m really going to do this?” I can feel my hands shake slightly, so I clench my fist. Willing myself to stop. I don’t want to wake her up. Not now anyway. I need time. Time to steady myself. Time to figure out the right words. Time to tell her what I did to her. 

“A moment of weakness. What could I do? It was there for me. Offered to me.” I look at her again. Her head now tilting up as her eyes open slowly with the beginnings of a frown forming on her face.

“Too noisy.” She grumbles before pushing me (letting myself get knocked over) down on the couch and curling up on my chest. “Stop talking and hold me.” She mumbles again before her breathing slows again. 

I suppress a laugh before gently brushing her bangs from her eyes. She really is amazing. So why would I do this. Out of anyone else I that this could happen to, why would I be the one to do this to her. It wasn’t right. And here I was thinking of a way to get out of all of this in what would be the most cruel way of hurting a person. 

I lay there as she continued to sleep, looking at memes on my phone and every so often pulling her back on the couch whenever she would almost fall off. 

Checking back on my phone again, the time read three in the afternoon and I began shaking her awake. She did say she wanted to start our little date early. And she ignored the alarm that she set an hour ago, picking up her phone from the small coffee table and fiddling with it before disarming it. Waking her up was always a challenge. With all the threats and the random fits of biting whenever I actually did succeed. Like right now. The feel of her teeth sinking into my hand was never the best of moments but it was still cute.

“Come on baby, you need to wake up. It’s almost time. Go hop in the shower and get ready okay?” I whisper softly in her ear. She stirs and starts to stretch herself out, tapping me lightly on the head before rolling herself off the couch.

“Fine, I’m up.” She says as she wipes at her eyes. She walks over to the stairs, stripping off her clothes as she goes along. “Wanna join me by the way? It might help me wake up a little bit more?”

I trail behind her, picking up her discarded clothing and holding them in a bundle in my hands. “As much as I would love to, you did say you want to start as soon as possible. So get in the shower silly.” She gives me a little pout before sprinting up the stairs laughing.

“Give me thirty minutes and I’ll be in the bedroom. You better get ready yourself!” I hear the bedroom door open and then close. I shake my head as I walk over to the downstairs bathroom and begin to undress myself as I let the water run for a bit.

“What am I going to do?”

Closing the door behind me, I let myself sink to the bedroom floor. What am I going to do? It’s not as if I meant for this to happen. I mean I did. I knew fully well how it could turn out and I still did it anyway.

“I should have just told him. It would have been so much easier just to tell him the first time.” I push myself back to my feet and sigh as I walk to our bed to get my towel that I’d thrown haphazardly earlier in the day. 

This was something that for the longest time I’d been debating on talking to him about. With a sigh I pick up my towel and head into the bathroom. I let the water run for a bit before stepping in. I lean against the shower wall as the hot water runs on my back.

“What can I do? Would he forgive me? Would he be mad?” I run my hands through my hair and sigh as I turn the tap off. I’d taken less time than I wanted to so I sit on the shower floor with my towel wrapped around me thinking on what to do next.

I could always leave? Call off the date and say that I have something else to do at the moment. No. It’d break his heart if I did that. He’s been looking forward to this for so long too. I could try to bring it up to him gently. Maybe ease him into a relaxing mood and bring it up?

I step out the shower and get my clothes together before the door opens and he walks in with his head down. 

“Hey what’s up?” I ask as I slip into my shorts and hoodie. “I thought you were going to wait a bit long-”

“I’m sorry.” He stepped closer, before kneeling on the floor bowing his head to the ground. “I’ve lied to you this whole time.” 

“Lied to me?” He glances up at me before pulling.

“The pudding….”