There's People Watching

God watched me have sex in the backseat of a stranger's car. I remembered blue pills, white cocaine, lots of brown alcohol, and a man from the rave helping me. My foot tapped to the beat of "Voices Carry" by 'Til Tuesday.

The leather stuck to my sweaty skin and I saw the opened condom wrapper on the passenger seat. I slipped it into my underwear band. The car reeked of sex so I opened the door. I lay on my back with my head titled over the seat. Here I was, in nothing but white briefs, spread out for anyone to see.

My view of the world was the same regardless of whatever drugs distorted it. I was looking at the moon, bright but unclear. Everything I saw was a blur. Sometimes it seemed I was a blurry mess.

I should leave this car. No, I'd prefer to sleep.

I need to leave this car. My mind wandered back to the empty condom wrapper in my elastic band. Why did I hold onto these things? A desk drawer in my bedroom was filled with wrappers.

“I should have known.” The voice was sweet but frustrated. Strawberry scented hair dangled into my face and I could not help but smile.

Barbie made me want to close my eyes and say goodbye to the world. She lit up everything around her. Each of her white cheeks were flushed from anger.

“You promised, Jove.”

“What?”

“We were supposed to stay sober tonight.”

“Why?”

She pinched my numb face.

“I wish we went somewhere else.”

My heart sank when I recalled the promise- before drugs and alcohol- made earlier at The Apartment.

“Shit- I’m sorry, Barbie.”

She inhaled and considered forgiveness. Traces of her smile showed between the shimmers of moonlight. We both cringed when a whiny male voice shouted from somewhere near the trees. I was surprised by how quickly Barbie pushed me into the car. Our knees pressed together and she slammed the door.

“Why are you hiding from your boyfriend?”

“Because he broke the same promise.”

A hand smacked the car and Ken pressed his nose against the window. He opened the door and smirked at us with his eyes glazed. I wondered if I looked the same when I was high. God, I hope not.

“Are you two fucking in here?”

“Yes,” Barbie said.

I hid the condom wrapper back into my underwear, Ken slid into the backseat and started kissing Barbie’s neck. It saddened me how quickly she always forgave us.

“Whose car is this?” Ken asked. I shrugged. He opened the glovebox and a pair of handcuffs and more condoms spilled onto the seat.

The three of us were silent for a few seconds but soon burst into laughter. Ken returned to kissing Barbie and the air hit me just enough to make me nauseous.

Nights by the ocean always came with a breeze and I remembered I was in my underwear. Where had my clothes gone? Down by the showers I saw a pile of what appeared to be abandoned clothing.

“Oh. Oh. Ah. Oh.” I heard moans and glanced back to find Ken nibbling on Barbie’s earlobe. Of course, I was jealous but shook the idea from my head and walked toward the showers. The clothes were baggy but would do until I returned home. I slipped the condom wrapper into a pocket and flinched when someone cleared their throat. A Middle Eastern man emerged from the shower with a towel around his waist.

“Are these your clothes?”

I started undressing but he gestured for me to stop.

“You must need them. I live nearby.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m Ro.”

“Like row-row your boat?”

“Short for Rohan. The showers here have better pressure than the fisherman’s housing. Also, nice music from the rave.”

I recalled a unit of houses near the shore where fishmen lived during the season.

“Uhm, are those your friends?” He nodded at the car. I turned around and my face became red when I saw the shadows of Ken and Barbie having intense sex.

“No,” I lied.

“Well, who are we to interrupt fun?”

“I’m Jove.”

“Jove? I like it. Nice to meet you.”

He gathered the rest of his belongings. I watched him leave the pier in his towel until he was out of view.

“We have to go,” Ken said. He buckled his pants and adjusted the shirt he wore. I reached into the pocket and found a strange device beside the condom wrapper. A monitor flashed 120 several times before the screen turned dark. What was this thing?

“Jove, the train is coming.” Barbie shouted in her quiet voice. I shoved the device back into my pocket. Maybe I could return it to Ro since I knew where he lived.

         Ken taught Barbie and I how to freight hop a few months after I met them. He stood in front of us as Barbie and I shared a seat at the never-occupied station.

“Fuck.” Ken attempted to light a joint. I covered his hands with mine to block the cold winds. One thing about Ken- he always smelled like chocolate. It was the sent of bodywash I gave him last Christmas. He took a hit of the joint and passed it on to me.

“This is shitweed,” I said.

“You’ve had worse.”

I took a hit and immediately started coughing.

“Not so shit, huh?”

The earth was still, and it’s moving. My mind thought of Ro and his olive skin back on the piers. I rested my head on the wall and wondered how many days it has been since I moved to Sugar Port, Maine.

“Want the last hit?” Ken nudged me with his elbow.

“Nah.” He flicked the roach onto the tracks. My eyes lingered a little too long when he lifted his arms exposing his torso.

“Dude, take a picture.”

“I was daydreaming,” I said. “And I’m high.”

He patted my head and pulled me from the bench. We twirled around the station and I closed my eyes. Being close to him was almost better than drugs. The sky was wild and colors burst each time Ken touched me.

Barbie watched us with giggles. I was the only person both of them loved other than each other. It scared me how I never imagined one without the other.

“What’s this?”

Ken examined the condom wrapper which must have slipped from my pocket.

“Give it back,” I said. He tossed it to me and I quickly retrieved it from the ground.

“It’s just a wrapper. Good to know you got some,” Ken said. I punched him and he chased me around the station. The moment reminded me of a cheesy coming of age film. Two boys in love with a girl in love with two boys in love. Was I the main character? Boys like me were never in those movies.

“The train is here,” Barbie called from the tracks. I made sure the condom wrapper was safe in my pocket. Ken wrapped his arms around me and we walked toward the tracks. Both of us were starstruck when we saw Barbie- wind in her hair- waving us to hurry. We all hollered when the wind hit our faces and I happened to lock eyes with Barbie.

This fright ride home always hurt the most. Our sense of freedom became an illusion and gone with the wind.

         The bright hallway stretched into a dark void. I heard a camera zoom in on us and figured people were excited for our return. Big Boss never told us how many people watched but sometimes it was thrilling. Where was each person from? Did they prefer me or Ken? Were they jealous like I was anytime Ken and Barbie made love? Why did they like to watch?

The three of us lingered even after Ken unlocked the door. I took a deep breath, put on my bravest smile, and prepared for the fifteen cameras to greet us.

Cameras 14 and 25 were my bedroom. People paid to see me masturbate and fuck whichever random girl. I never had sex with a man for the site. A tremendous rush of energy swept through me. This seemed to happen whenever I found the drawer of condom wrappers. I took a black marker and wrote onto the plastic: Tuesday, April 3^rd. Rave man.

The wrapper was tossed among the hundreds of other encounters I barely remembered. I shut and locked the door, then, stopped. My next step should have been to remove my clothes and fall asleep on the sheetless mattress.

Instead, I pressed Ro’s shirt against my noise. Underneath my smell of weed and lube was a faint scent of something floral. For the first time in almost three months, I was able to dream.