A new path

On the night of New Year’s Eve Simone sat alone at the London city airport. The next flight was scheduled for the next morning, but everything was better than being in the house she grew up in. It felt like a new beginning, and she vowed to herself that she would never come back to England.

The airport was empty, and no shops were opened. She had never seen an airport like that and found it calming. After all she went through it felt good to have a bit of time to reflect on what happened during the last year. She was sitting right next to a big window, but there were no planes arriving or departing, just darkness, some starts, and a few city lights in the distance. For most people this would be a horrible start to the new year, she thought, but for her, it was just right. For a moment she felt completely free and aligned with her dreams. Then her phone vibrated, and Simone came back to reality. Another call from her friend Emily. She did not want to pick up the phone, but she felt obliged. Emily sounded upset as she – without even a hello- immediately said: “Why are you leaving? I know I have not been a good friend recently, and you had a rough time, but this is no reason to run away from your problems.” How did she already know what was going on? Probably her parents told her and instruct her to talk to Simone. Simone inhaled deeply to keep her composure and already regretted that she picked up the phone. “I’m not running away from my problems. For the first time in my life, I am doing what I want and not what others expect me to do. After my sister died, I realized how short life is. If you wanted the best for me, you would understand." Emily paused and created an awkward silence. Eventually, she said: “But your parents need you and you can’t simply quit your studies. You are so close to finishing, so why would you want to let go of it? Your sister wouldn’t want you to destroy your future just because of her death...”. This was too much for Simone. She got angry. Emily knew nothing about her sister or what she would want for Simone. She was not in the mood to fight with her friend, so she apologized, said that her decision to leave is final, and hang up.

Simone's sister got kidnapped and murdered exactly 128 days ago. There was no single day when she had not thought about what happened. Her parents were supposed to pay a ransom, but they said that they trust the police and that they are going to manage everything. Simone always thought differently about it but could not change it. She could not understand how her wealthy parents could risk the life of their daughter. Simone remembered how helpless and unheard she felt. Nowadays she was not even mad at her parents for not paying the ransom because she knew that they secretly also suffered a lot from what happened. She even felt sorry for them because they were callous and not able to express or talk about their emotions.

After her sister died, Simone had a mental breakdown, but nobody was there for her. All their friends were too busy, and her parents did not want to talk with her about it and tried to kill their pain with lots of work and soon they acted as nothing happened. For Simone, this was a very rough, painful, and lonely time and her parents did not seem to see how she was suffering.

On the evening of the 31st of December Simone had probably the worst fight she ever had with her parents. For the new year, she wanted everything to change and to improve her relationship with her parents. Simone always wanted to please everyone and even though her parents neglected her she wanted to be there for them if they need her. However, she also knew that she suffered a lot under this condition, so she took all her courage and talked about the death of her sister, how they did not seem to care and that this could not go on forever. Otherwise, Simone would go insane.

This whole discussion was a mess. Her parents did not seem to see the pain in Simone’s eyes and answered upset and annoyed that they cannot change what happened. Simone said “Yes, I know, but you can always change how you react and how want to live your future. Even though one event might be too painful you cannot simply give away the responsibility for your life and hope that everything turns out fine. Now I am your only living child, and we should be glad that we still have each other and enough time to change our relationship and to recover from what happened.” Silence filled the room and her parents looked at her blankly. Finally, her mother said that she could feel free to go if they are such bad parents. Her mother understood nothing from what she was saying. It was never meant to be a reproach but an attempt to save the family from falling apart. Her father was staring at the ground and did not say anything. He could not even look into her eyes. Simone felt very offended. She could not believe how her parents could tell her to go when she was trying to fix everything.

So, she did what her mother told her. She packed all her stuff in a big suitcase and decided to go away. As she did so she did not even know where she would go, she just knew where she would not want to go. For example, to any of her friends who did not care for her when she was at her lowest and sleeping in a motel felt wrong. She knew that she needed a new start and that everything here reminded her of her dead sister, how she was neglected by her parents, and how her friends did not support her. As she thought about travelling to a new country it felt intuitively right, so she went to the airport.

Now she was sitting here at the airport. She was always afraid of uncertainty, but now this uncertainty felt good. She never felt comfortable with the thought of an ordinary life with getting her degree, finding a good job, marry, having children, retire, and die. But until this day she never considered her dreams as something realistic. Her fears were always holding her back, but now she had nothing to lose. She thought how weird it is, that she had to go through this miserable time to finally have the courage to do what her heart desired. When the clock showed that the new year started Simone smiled and was without any regret.