The Odd Wheel Out

I had just finished trimming the last specks of hair from my neckbeard, the fresh blade scraping hard against my skin causing red to leak from my skin. The last sheet of toilet paper dangling over the roll would make for a good short term stopgap for the bleeding. The garbage was full so I dropped the now crumpled sheet into the toilet. For the first time in six months my beard was lined up and clean. I gulped in the mirror, shameful of the figure that stared back. Was I really ready for this?

My black slacks were finally able slide on easy again, the last few months of exercising had seemingly paid off. It was weird seeing myself clean and neat, the past half year I had worn nothing but tank tops and basketball shorts. Though it didn't make me feel any different. The aftershave caked around my neck actually made me smell good for once.

As I left the room I reached for my keys and I noticed the big box labeled "Trish" hidden behind the kitchen table. Six months and my ex still hadn't came to retrieve the last of her belongings. It looked like everything was thrown in at the last minute, clothes and jewelry dangled outside the opening at the top. The necklace I had gotten her for her promotion stretched out long enough that it rested atop the hardwood floor. Three hundred dollars all for nothing. I think she wore it two or three times. Maybe I could sell that to the pawn shop on the corner. As a car drove past my window the reflection of it's windows mirrored off of something in the box, enough to gain my interest as my eyes squinted.

As I crept closer the object brought back many memories. It was the framed picture of Trish and I, at the top of a beautiful mountain we hiked together. It was nearly a year ago today when that picture was taken, and I haven't been as happy since. With each step and the swing of my arms the feeling of a swamp-like presence mushed around in my armpits. I hadn't even left yet and I was already sweating through my grey shirt. The black V-neck hung silently in the closet away from my jackets.

"Perfect, the black will hide the sweat more." The grey shirt fell to the ground as I wiped the sweat off of my body with the towel I had just showered with. The black V-neck was my staple shirt in my college days, Trish loved it too. God I hope she isn't there tonight. I mean, she works every other Saturday so it is fifty-fifty. This past relationship has taught me a lot of lessons: never date in the friend group, and never allow your girlfriend to get a male yoga instructor. Or make sure they aren't better looking than you and as charming as Chris Evans. Eh, I need to stop shifting the blame on others. Trish had to deal with my miserable ass for almost three years, she could put that on her resume as community service.

The time on my watch told me it was six-thirty, If I didn't leave in the next five minutes I would be late to the monthly shindig. The traffic was weird on Saturdays in the city. My goal was to not be the first nor the last to arrive, that would be too much attention for being the only single person there. I headed towards my car and headed to my friends downtown.

The whole trip I was blasting tunes, heavy metal had been my main list for as long as I could remember. Though it didn't hit like it used to. The sounds still rumbled around my skin, and rattled my chest. But the words phased right through my mind. All of the lyrics were a blur, it felt as if the first song should only be halfway through, but I had already parked. I turned the music off, but my chest was still rattling. The sweat returned, thankfully the black shirt hid this occurrence. When I opened my car door, the country music from the part leaked inside. My heart beat faster and my chest felt tighter. I chugged the remainder of my water bottle, but my mouth just got even more dry. One last deep breathe before I snuck towards the door.

I just didn't want the pity looks. Sure I lost the love of my live and my dream job in the same week. At least I am not homeless. People would kill for my new job.

"Here we go."

I lost the staring contest with the front door, and wiped by sweaty hand on my pants before entering for the first time in months. It was the first time I had ever entered alone, the first time without Trish by my side. A pit in my stomach was weighing me down, but I trudged forward.

"Wow, he actually decided to show up!" A tall lanky man with pale skin approached and embraced me before I could even shrug off my shoes. It took me a few seconds to realize it was my friend Andy, he had lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw him.

"Andy... you look amazing. Teach me your ways!" The words came out naturally, not matching the raging stress from within my soul. I quickly slid off my shoes before grabbing a beer from the cooler near the entrance.

"Yeah man, Keto! I'll tell you more about it in a minute. I gotta make a phone call. Loosen up." He jabbed at my shoulder before I noticed that I was squeezing my hand together like I was trying to get the last drop of toothpaste. As he exited I rolled my shoulders to loosen the musculature in my back. No looks of pity so far, success. I took one more deep breath as I headed towards the living room, the epicenter of the noises in the house.

Upon my grand entrance into the room half of my friends stopped talking, the other half exuded loud noises of excitement from their mouth.

"Brad is back! Let's go!" My friend John led the call as several partygoers showered me with hugs. Slipping between the sounds of my friends and the loud music, I head the whispers of the other half. Not even Superman could make out what they were saying, but I tried not to focus on them. It seemed that at least some of my friends were happy to see me, and that made me happy. A feeling that now felt peculiar to me.

"So uh, who is all coming tonight?" I asked at John. He smiled knowing where I was getting at. He lowered his voice and leaned into my ear.

"Don't worry, she probably isn't coming. She had to work tonight. Besides that, everyone else should be here." A huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Trish was the last person I wanted to see, well maybe besides her new man. I was finally getting over things, seeing her with someone else might not go well. Paula was handing out more beer and pizza slices, it felt good to be around people again.

It took me a few minutes to even realize that my heart had calmed down, though the sweat remained. Still I was doing far better than I had hoped. It had been forty minutes since arriving, and I haven't come up with an excuse to leave early yet. I don't even think I want too.

Kaleb was a talker, he could talk about anything for any period of time. The last fifteen minutes was all about Dogecoin, I couldn't care less about crypto. But I didn't have the heart to tell him that. It was just the perfect moment for me to change the subject but a familiar figure entered the room. She was average height, average build, and black hair. She was cute, but not Miss America.

"Trish! I thought you had to work?" Paula nearly leapt out of her seat in excitement. She shrugged her shoulders as the two hugged, seconds later a man approached her from behind. I quickly turned away and headed off to the bathroom, witnessing her with someone else like that was too much. My armpits were sweating more, and my chest was beating again. I slowly calmed myself down, and flushed the empty toilet before returning.

It was easy to sneak into the room with Trish around, she stole all of the attention. Her unique ability meshed well with her new boyfriend, Jesus Christ he looks like Chris Evans too. No wonder she left me. I looked away before making eye contact and rushed to grab another beer. This was awkward, maybe I should find a way out? As I slowly inched towards the front door, Andy returned. Bad timing.

"Ready for a shot Brad?" I gulped.

"Uh... yeah! Of course, bring it on!" My hopes were that the shots would be by the cooler near the door, for an easy exit. But nope, we had to venture in front of everyone across the room to the bottles of whiskey. I had never felt more eyes on me when walking in front of that group. Trish was talking, and stopped abruptly. I don't think she even knew I was there until this moment. Well, I did say that she was the one who always got the attention. Maybe she left me because I scared part of that attention away. Something told me that her eyes were locked on me, It wasn't my peripheral vision. It was a feeling, one I hadn't felt in awhile. Like when you're walking in the woods and you can just feel that someone is watching you. It actually felt good to have her attention for once.

Andy and I downed two shots each before his phone rang again. I wondered why he was always getting calls. Maybe it was because of how good he looked now?

I looked at the bulk of the group, now it was Trish's new man with all of the attention. My gaze shifted to her, her eyes wrapped around him like an anaconda. A smile stretched wide across her face. The happiness she emitted filled my stomach with a bit of warmth. I missed making her happy. It had been nine months since I had last seen her smile like that, and it was only because of her promotion. Though her smile quickly dispersed as she interrupted her boyfriend that was entertaining the crowd. He shook his head with agitation before steaming off to the bathroom. It was time to go.

"It was nice seeing everybody again. Party again next month? How about my place?" I don't even know where it came from, but it felt good. Everyone was shocked at my request. But my hopeful friends were ecstatic.

"We haven't partied at Brad's in a year! Yes, I am counting down the days." I smiled along with them. There would be some cleaning to do, and a lot of rearranging. But I had a month to get that in check. There was a few hugs to give out before leaving, and I finally arrived in front of Trish.

"Glad you are doing well. If you decide to stop by next month, I got some of your stuff. I should have brought it, but-"

"Are you sure? It's okay, you don't have to invite us."

I felt her sentiment, it would have been my preference for them to not come. Though progress is on my mind, and keeping my past tucked away forever would only hold me back.

"Yeah sure. I mean we both said we should at least try to be friends if we ever split. So to not make it awkward for everyone else." I smiled and held out my hand, she smiled back and gave it a light shake.

"See you next month."

I somehow hit traffic going home this late, but I didn't care. It felt good to be myself again, to not be locked away in my own sorrow. Relaxation filled my soul. The party at my place was something to look forward to for once, I can't believe how nervous I got for this party. It was a breeze. For the first time in months, I sang along to to the music blasting from the speaker in my car and smiled the whole time.