January 1, 2017

Happy New Year, Self! Can you believe we made it through the last year? Me either, if I’m being honest. It definitely left some marks. Probably going to need some retail therapy! Thank goodness I managed to get a decent job last year. Chalk that up as our main achievement.

My big To-Do for 2017 is to keep a journal. Don't expect long entries, I just want something simple. After Dad died last year, I realized that his journal was the most important thing he left behind – besides me and Mama, of course. I want to make sure that no matter what, I leave something behind to tell my story the way my dad did.

With that said …

I met someone last night at Sandy’s New Year party. He’s super handsome and really smart. He’s a little older than me but not so much that it’s creepy. Anyway, he asked me for my number and kissed me when the ball dropped. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t try anything more. Most guys would have tried to go home with me. Not Scott, though. He said his mama taught him better than that.

Maybe I finally hit the jackpot.

xoxo

~Sarah~

January 10, 2017

New favorite restaurant: Pauly’s Pizza. And here I thought I wasn’t a big pizza person. Apparently, it’s the cook (and the date) that matters. Thanks, Scott!

xoxo

~Sarah~

January 27, 2017

What a shit day. Got written up for being late … again. Seems those “goodbye kisses” are not good for my work-life. Oh well, nothing a dozen roses didn’t fix.

xoxo

~Sarah~

February 8, 2017

I’ve never had anyone bring me roses, chocolate, and stuffed animals before. Or drop little notes on my windshield while I’m working. He calls me just to make sure I make it home at the end of the night, too. He is always interested in what I’ve got going on and what I’m up to and wants to know all about my friends and what we do. I’m pretty impressed with his attentiveness. I’ve never been showered with so much attention before. It’s so sweet.

For our one-month anniversary, he bought me a new pair of jeans, shirt, and a teddy bear. The clothes weren’t really what I would’ve picked for myself, but they didn’t look too bad.

We went out for pizza and had a beer. And finally, we had sex. It was an amazing night.

I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen in love with him.

xoxo

~Sarah~

February 26, 2017

Note to self: Scott hates country music. Not just a strong dislike – Hates it. Engage instant pissy mood.

~Sarah~

March 14, 2017

Mama doesn’t seem to like him much. Says it’s nothing, but I can tell. She has a way about her and her silence speaks pretty loudly. Maybe she’ll warm up in time. I love him, I’m sure she will too. 

xoxo

~Sarah~

March 29, 2017

Happy birthday, Dad. I miss you so much.

xoxo

~Sarah~

April 17, 2017

I wonder where Scott disappears to from time to time. He hasn’t answered my messages in 2 days. He says sometimes he just forgets to check his phone. Funny how it’s always in his hand when we’re together. He’s probably married.

~Sarah~

April 18, 2017

I was just mad yesterday. He was with his sister at the hospital.

xoxo

~Sarah~

May 7, 2017

Spent the weekend in a little cabin in the middle of nowhere, making love and plans. I wish we could’ve just stayed there forever. It was so peaceful with no phones and no interruptions. He’s a great cook too.

I really need to stop questioning everything and just accept that everything is going to be great. I keep waiting for something to go wrong and, like he said today, nothing is going to go wrong. He loves me. I love him. And nothing can change that. Nothing.

xoxo

~Sarah~

June 12, 2017

Six months. It's hard to believe I met him only six months ago. It’s been a whirlwind.

After my last entry, Scott moved in with me pretty much overnight. I swear, I didn’t even have an opportunity to protest. It was crazy – he just showed up with his bags and no warning and asked if he could stay a while. And just like that, we live together.

Things are good though, I think. We talk a lot. He knows everything about me now. All my secrets I have kept all these years.

He’s told me about his last few relationships. I feel sorry for him. He’s really had it rough with his exes. He told me how he’s been cheated on and lied to and all that. Pretty tough. But it helped me to really understand how all that makes him so jealous and possessive. I’m sure he’ll get over it once he knows he can trust me. I’m not the cheating kind. I never did understand how you could do that to another human being.

Oddly, I don't know much else about his past. I'll have to ask.

He’s a great guy who’s just been dealt a shitty hand and been through a lot. I am so lucky to have found him, I’m going to make sure he never feels unloved again.

xoxo

~Sarah~

July 3, 2017

We are getting married!!! I can’t believe it’s really happening! I always thought I’d have a great big beautiful wedding, but Scott wants to just have a quick and small wedding. He said he doesn’t care about the details as long as he knows I belong to him forever. He asked me last night, after we had a huge fight. Yes, I know, it’s not super romantic.

I don’t even remember exactly what we were arguing about – I must’ve been overreacting or something. And then he just said, “Dammit Sarah, I’m not going to keep arguing with you about this today. If you’d just marry me, then we'd have forever to figure it out.” I stopped mid-sentence and I felt my mouth hanging open but I didn’t really know what to say. Then he said, “Hold on, wait right here.”

When he came back, he had a ring box in his hand. He gave it to me and said, “I’m serious.”

We’re getting MARRIED!!

xoxo xoxo

~Sarah~

July 22, 2017

As of today, I am Mrs. Stone. Mrs. Sarah Stone. Holy Shit. I’m a married woman now.

xoxo

~Mrs. Sarah Stone~

July 26,^, 2017

I’m not sure what happened tonight. My head is all over the place.

One minute we were getting ready to go out with his friends and the next, I was backed against the wall and he was screaming at me, right up in my face. For a minute, I was really scared. Then he snapped out of it, like he realized what he was doing. He backed off and then cried. Like, real tears.

He explained that seeing me look so good made him realize how lucky he is and he doesn’t want me to look like that for everyone else. He begged me to forgive him. He held me while I cried and promised me that it would never happen again.

I believe him.

I changed my clothes so I’m a bit more modest and he seemed to feel better. I guess he’s right. I’m a married woman now and shouldn’t be dressing like a single girl. It’s time for me to grow up.

Anyway, I ended up leaving early and coming home. I just couldn’t get the whole incident out of my head and socializing with his friends just wasn’t working for me. He’s still there and seemed a little upset with me for wanting to come home, but in the end, his friend’s wife drove me home. I’m sure it’s just all the stress from getting married and everything. Things will be better tomorrow.

~Sarah~

August 18, 2017

Jenny and I talked for hours today. It was so nice to catch up with her. I feel like it’s been ages. She said the same thing. We’re going to try to get together for a drink this weekend. It’s great spending time with Scott, but I sure do miss my girl time.

~Sarah~

August 19, 2017

So much for girl time. Scott was so mad and told me I looked like a slut. More than mad. He shoved me. When I snapped at him that I’m an adult and don’t need his permission to go out with my friends, he slapped me. Not hard. Just enough to really get my attention so I’d hear what he was saying without being so snotty.

After he calmed down, he explained that he feels disrespected when I dress up like that to go out without him. And that if I don’t at least check with him to make sure he’s okay with me going out that I am disrespecting my vows to honor and obey him. He’s right.

I told Jenny I couldn’t make it and made his favorite meal instead. He didn’t eat it. He went to the bar with the guys from work. I guess I deserved that.

~Sarah~

August 25, 2017

Scott called me from work a few minutes ago. We’re leaving for the weekend. He told me to pack a bag, it’s a surprise. He said he feels awful about last weekend and wants to make it up to me.

I can’t wait to see where he’s taking me and what he has planned. He’s the best surprise planner.

xoxo

~Sarah~

August 29, 2017

I got fired today. I’ve been late too many times. Missed too many days. Scott is going to be livid.

~Sarah~

September 3, 2017

Another rough weekend. I feel horrible for making him mad. Going to pull some money from my savings account to replace the television and fix the front door. Being married is hard.

~Sarah~

October 2, 2017

I think I’ve made a huge mistake, Self.

Tonight, Scott came home drunk hours past dinner. I was sitting on the couch, on the phone, talking to Jenny. When he came in, he reeked of alcohol and I thought I smelled perfume. I asked him where he’d been. He took my phone and threw it across the room, then grabbed me by the throat. His eyes were black. His voice was … different. Deep and demonic. He reminded me that I don’t have any right to question him, that he pays the bills and treats me like a queen, so I should trust him. I couldn’t breathe. But I could feel the heat of his breath on my face and his spit as he spoke.

I was so scared. He could have killed me. He wouldn’t. But he could have.

I went to bed like he told me to and laid there until I could hear him snoring on the couch. I looked for my phone for an hour, but it’s gone. I hope when he wakes up in the morning, he’s not still mad at me. I’ll definitely apologize for upsetting him. Maybe he will let me spoil him a little bit tomorrow.

xoxo

~Sarah~

October 30, 2017

Just checking in. Don’t really feel like saying too much. I’m really messing up this marriage thing.

~Sarah~

November 2, 2017

It’s been a while, huh, Self. Sorry about that. I’ve really been working hard to make things better with Scott. It’s not working. No matter what I do, I always end up making him mad somehow. Either I say the wrong thing or I do the wrong thing. Even my facial expressions make him angry.

I’m at my mama’s house tonight. Things got really bad this last week or so and I had to use make-up to cover up bruises when I went grocery shopping. It’s not all his fault. It’s mostly mine. I get upset and ask questions that invade his privacy or hit a nerve in him, and he just reacts the way any man would.

I didn’t tell Mama that he puts his hands on me. I’m not sure what she’d say but I know she’d be disappointed in me. I can’t stand to feel more ashamed than I already am. She thinks I just needed a weekend at home, with her. I guess that’s not a lie. I just wanted to feel safe and loved for a little while.

He’s calling again. I guess I should talk to him and see where he wants to go from here. I should probably apologize for leaving too …

~Sarah~

November 3, 2017

I’m back home. I missed him so much and he missed me. He broke down and cried when I got home this morning. We held each other and made love. Then he made me breakfast before we made love again. I fell asleep for a while. When I woke up, he’d left me a note saying he was going to run some errands and then he’d be home for the evening. He told me to just relax.

When he got home, he had take-out from my favorite Chinese restaurant and a dozen roses. He was so sweet and attentive and I felt like I did when we were first dating – like I’m the most important thing in the world to him. I hope this is how it’s going to stay.

xoxo

~Sarah~

December 25, 2017

Merry Christmas! It’s been an amazing two months. Thanksgiving was fantastic and I really enjoyed getting to spend some time with Scott’s parents and siblings. His sister Kelly doesn’t seem to like me very much but he says she’s like that with everyone and she’ll come around eventually.

His dad is just like him. Well, he’s just like his dad. They’re both strikingly handsome and very in control. His mom is soft-spoken and kind. She smiles a lot. She hugged me really tight when she met me and told me she’s always just a phone call away. It’s nice to know she cares.

For Christmas, Scott went overboard. He bought me diamond earrings and a new laptop. I felt bad that my gifts weren’t as expensive, but he seemed to really like them.

We are going to go have dinner with my mom tonight. I can’t wait until she sees what I got her.

xoxo

~Sarah~

January 1, 2018

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Scott and I are celebrating a year of us.

xoxo

~Sarah~

January 7, 2018

Kelly called today looking for Scott. She was really upset that he wasn’t answering her calls. When I told her I’d be happy to give him a message, she said he needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I asked her if she was okay and she told me that his baby was coming before she hung up on me.

What baby?

~Sarah~

January 8, 2018

Her name is Katie. He gave her our last name.

~Sarah~

January 11, 2018

Our neighbor, Tyler, called the police tonight. He told them he heard me scream. He took me to the hospital after they left.

I needed 12 stitches.

Scott is in jail.

I feel both guilty and angry. And a little sad too.

Tyler said he’s known for a while now. He’s heard me crying before. He didn’t want to get in our business. His mom told him that his silence was dangerous.

I think I should think about that.

~Sarah~

January 16, 2018

Scott came home last night. I think he’s been with Katie’s mom since he got out of jail. He says if I was more like her, he wouldn’t treat me like he does. He said he regrets marrying me – he should have waited until he knew for sure that I would be able to act right.

I told him I can change.

I will be more submissive.

I will be more respectful.

I will be more modest.

I won’t spend so much money.

I can be everything he needs me to be.

He says he doesn’t believe that I can. But he feels bad because no one else will want me now.

I think he’s going to give me another chance.

I hope I can get it right.

I love him.

~Sarah~

January 20, 2018

Things are great. I got to meet Katie today. Scott and her mom, Lisa, had some paperwork to take care of so they left her with me. She’s a really sweet baby. Lisa seems to be a nice woman. She seemed confused about me. I don’t know what Scott actually told her before we met, but he asked me not to say anything to her that might upset her before they signed the custody and visitation agreement.

Anyway, I can’t believe I’m a stepmom.

xoxo

~Sarah~

January 23, 2018

We are going away this weekend. Scott says he wants us to spend some time together like we used to. He wants to work things out. He won’t tell me where we are going. If I’m being honest, I’m nervous. Something just doesn’t feel right and hasn’t for a while now. If anything bad happens to me, it’s him …

~Sarah Scared Stone~

January 29, 2019 –

My sweet, sweet Sarah,

Lisa found your journal. After she read it, she called me and we had coffee. That was nine months ago.

Today, after months of investigation and a drawn-out trial, we won.

He will probably never tell us where your body is. He’s a coward. But the jury saw through him and Scott will spend the rest of his life behind bars.

I wish you had told me. I wish I had paid more attention. Wishing won’t bring you back.

This journal was the most important thing you left behind.

You did good, Babygirl.

I miss you every day.

Tell your daddy I miss him too.

Love,

Mama