The Text Message

She read the text message over and over, hoping to decipher something not heartbreaking in it. To see if she misread the intention behind the message. Surely her message to him didn't start this chaos. She reads it again once more, looking for the hope somewhere in the message. "Maybe I need to leave to see how I feel about things." No, she read it right the first time and the five hundredth time. He was intent on leaving her. How did they get here? She knew that he had been distant lately, going to bed around 4 am, right before she needed to get up for work. He would stay up late conversing with his "virtual" friends, talking more to them in a night than he did to her in a week. When she would mention running errands with her to the local home improvement store he would find reasons to avoid going. The only real reason he gave her was, "I just don't want to do that right now".

When she sent the message asking him if he was aware of how much he ignored her, that was the reply she got. No "I'm sorry, let's work on this". He bailed at the first available opportunity. He didn't even want to try. She stopped the treadmill she had been running on and tried to breathe before she fainted. The world in front of her was spinning and her legs felt like jelly. It was a matter of time before she fainted so she knew she had to breathe and center herself. Oxygen seemed to be in short supply in that room or was that just her imagination? She clenched the handles of the treadmill tightly and tried some more to breathe. She could not concentrate on anything else but breathing. How does one catch their breath after the almost certain demise of a 25 year relationship?

She had to get home. She had to see him, this sort of thing was never supposed to be done in a text message. She cursed herself for sending him the initial text that got this whole snowball rolling. She knew how she felt, perhaps it was better addressed in person. Never through a device of convenience. Relationships were not to be discarded of so callously. She packed up her gym bag and began the fifteen minute drive home that somehow managed to take an eternity. When she pulled into the drive, his car was gone. She cried into her steering wheel for a good while before composing herself and making the trek to the doorway on those jelly legs of hers that barely held her up. she dropped her bag on the floor and stared down the long hallway into an empty house. The house was eerily quiet, save for the sounds of the wall clock ticking the seconds away. She steadied herself against the wall while a fresh round of sobs racked through her. She gave in to her sorrow and cried for another hour on the floor, near the front door, falling to a heap and weeping until the tears finally dried up enough to allow her the dignity of removing herself from the floor and compose herself just enough to get to the room and wash her face. She knew sleep would not make an appearance for a while so she just allowed herself just enough energy to clean herself up and get comfortable. She started the shower to rinse off the day's turmoil. She got in the shower and another torrent of tears was unleashed. Her knees buckled underneath her and she lay in the shower wailing once again. She thought of the first time she saw his face, and the last time she saw his face. She cried for all the time spent, all the memories, and wondered how she would be able to let it all go. How does one move on from this? There is no closure in a break up like this, no clarity, and no real goodbye either. How will there be no chance to say goodbye? To tell someone how much they meant to you? How can you not get a chance to say how sorry you are for your part in this? She had a whole list of questions that she may never get the answer to. It wasn't fair. She had never in her life felt so lost, so powerless to control her surroundings. She was for the first time in a long time, the lost little girl she had been in her youth. This time around though, she was never going to have someone direct her next moves, she was for the first time ever, completely alone. Alone in her home and in her grief. She was going to have to master life on her own. The thought of it terrified her. Her plans always included him by her side, helping navigate their journey. Whatever thoughts she had of her future, he was always in it.

She finally stood yet again, turned off the shower, and dried herself off with her towel. She put on her pajamas and checked her phone to see if she had missed any messages from him. Nothing. No messages saying he had made a mistake, telling her he wants to come home. She sighed and crawled into bed. She knew sleep would not be forthcoming but she lay there anyway, watching her favorite crime drama, but paying it no mind. Thoughts kept tumbling in her mind, and she could not stop them from coming. Despite herself, she drifted off to sleep.

She woke up the next morning and felt the weight sitting on her chest. She cried some more and got out of bed. She was still sore from crying and burdened by her despair, and somehow, she knew she would find her way again. It would not be today, but she would carry herself forward. One day, she would shine again. Her sadness would carry today, but it did not get to claim all her tomorrows.