Speaking of Love and Loss

“I need to show you something. I know this is going to be a lot for you to take in, but it’s time for you to see them. I have been… afraid, to show you some of the things in these videos. I don’t know why. I think I just know I have to get it right; I need to get it right… for you and for me. I’m going to do my best… I promise.”

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Michael. Happy birthday to you.”

“Who’s that?”

“…That’s your mom.”

“Oh... I didn’t think I had a mom.”

“Everyone has a mom, buddy.… You just don’t remember her… she’s been gone for a long time.”

“…She’s pretty.”

“Your mother was the most beautiful woman… inside and out. And she loved you very much… I see her in you, you know.”

“How can you see her in me, dad?”

“Well… I see her in your eyes, mostly. You have her eyes, so blue and bright. I hear her in your laugh… she had the most beautiful laugh. It was so infectious, every time I heard it, I couldn’t help but smile. And you have it too. But I see her in everything. I see her in every part of you… This was your first birthday. That’s what’s on this tape. Your mom worked so hard to make it perfect for you. She made a little cake for you, just so you could smash it with your little fists. She invited half the town… all for you. She loved you very much.”

“Where is everybody?”

“What do you mean, buddy?”

“You said she invited everybody to the party. Where is everybody?”

“Oh, right… You see, the night before your birthday, we got a terrible snowstorm. Worst one in at least ten years. We must have got at least a foot of snow... Well, nobody could come because the roads were so bad. Your mother was so upset because she wanted your first birthday to be perfect. And she was worried that if nobody would be there for your party, it wouldn’t be. But she was wrong… it made it even more perfect. It was just the three of us, and that was all we needed. The electricity went out, but we just lit some candles and sat close together to keep warm. And it was just the three of us. It was the most perfect day.”

“Why are you sad, dad?”

“I’m not sad, son. I’m happy. So very happy.”

“Why are you crying?”

“I’m just happy to see her again, that’s all.”

*The television screen went black as the tape ended. The father puts in a new tape*

“What’s this one about?”

“This was when you were born. December 31. Our little New Year’s baby, as your mother would call you.”

“I look so small then…”

“You were small. You were a very small baby. I was worried you were too small, but your mother thought you were perfect. She just held you in her arms and smiled. And you looked back up at her with your blue eyes as if you knew her by name.”

“Wasn’t she tired…she looks tired.”

“She was exhausted, tired to death. But she just couldn’t take her eyes off of you. All through the night she would just lie and watch you sleep. I tried to get her to rest, I offered to watch you myself, but she just smiled and watched as you slept. She told me that she didn’t want to miss a moment of your life, even if you were just sleeping.”

“…What happened to her?”

“…She got sick when you were just a baby, not long after your first birthday. Things you’re too young to understand and I’m too weak to explain. She fought so hard. She fought for you, fought every day just to see you. And when she finally died, she made me promise not to hold on too tight. To be in the moment. To make new memories… without her…I have not kept that promise. I am sorry, both to her and to you, for that… but first steps are hard… and they take time. But the time has come…”

“The time has come for what?”

“…For us to move on…for me to move on, I suppose. Even if it’s hard.”

“But I don’t want to move on, I want to stay and watch these videos.”

“We will, buddy, we will. You don’t have to move on. You can stay and remember her forever, and I hope you do.”

“When can I see her again?”

“Every night, buddy. We can see her every night, the both of us, right here on this couch. And while she might not be here with us, we can still see her…the best moments of her. And someday, these videos, videos of your first birthday, your first words, your first steps, will all be yours, and you will be able to see her whenever you want. But for the time being, just wait for me to watch them with you, because I like to see her too.”

*A couple weeks later*

“I can’t believe it’s snowing, again! Nobody’s going to be able to come to my party!”

“I’m sorry, buddy, but it won’t be the worst thing in the world. We still have some presents and a nice cake.”

“I know… but I just hoped all my friends would be here…and grandpa. It’s my sixth birthday, it’s a big day.”

“You’re right, it is a big day. That’s why I got you something, something special.”

“You’re letting me open a present early!”

“Just one.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a camera. You’re growing up quick… you’re already six years old. You’re going to be making memories soon, the both of us will, and with this, I can capture every single one. And we can add these new memories to the old ones, and maybe your mother will be able to see them, too.” 

*The lights flicker and go out*

"The lights went out, dad."

"That's ok, buddy. I'll keep you warm."