I'm Falling Out of Love...?

I stared across the room at the boy I once thought I loved. I tried to tell myself I felt the same way that I used to. I just needed to manipulate myself to believe I loved him. I couldn't imagine hurting him. He caught me staring and flashed an apathetic smile, which made me sway even more to the side of breaking up with him. I've kept this to myself for over a month and I felt as if I was going to explode. Later that night at church my mind was filled with the constant battle between whether I wanted to stay with him or break up with him. For the next few weeks, everything was foggy. I found myself constantly trying to avoid him. We were growing apart but he didn't even seem to notice. Our once sweet and sincere goodnight texts, felt like an unwanted obligation. He never texted me anymore but I kept holding on. I told myself this was just a phase I was going through. I thought the feelings would come back and we would be in love again. Our families were best friends. We spent every weekend together. I could never stand to break up with him. I found myself flirting with other guys. I even asked for another guys number. I was being reckless, spending less and less time with him. Everything started to seem like a competition with him. He would brag to me about his amazing grades and him being third in our class and me being fifth. He would talk about other girls to my face. So I started doing the same. We started arguing more and I would get angry at him. I had never done that before. I figured we were just becoming a normal couple. Mackenzie and her boyfriend Aiden would make out and flirt in front of us and I became jealous of them. I wanted what they had. I wanted to love him but I kept on running.

I had another problem. I liked another boy. I had liked him for five years. We used to be best friends but we started to drift apart once me and Noah started dating. I dated Noah because I liked him but I also thought it would be a good way to get the attention of Addison, the other boy. Once I started to really like Noah I forgot about Addison. We never hung out anymore. We used to text for hours on end and we never texted anymore. When I saw him I never said anything. I told myself I was over him. I really thought I was. But he started appearing in my dreams more. I would catch him staring at me and it would make me feel so happy.

I figured it was time for me to talk to someone about this. I told Mackenzie and I realized I really didn't want to be with him. Still, I waited. I was too scared to tell him. We even went on a couple more dates. I saw happy couples and felt like throwing up. I kept dwelling on the past, when we had just stared dating. He told me he loved me the first night and it felt rushed, but I went along with it. I didn't mean it. I shouldn't have said it. Everyday when he kissed me goodbye I would cringe. I was faking and I couldn't stand it anymore. Or so I thought. I kept holding out. I guess you could say I was faking it to make it. He didn't try anymore either. He wasn't the guy I wanted to be with and that was final. I was going to tell him tomorrow that we were over.

The next day at school I was on the edge of an anxiety attack all day. I approached him at the end of the day, ready to do it. Mackenzie walked away so we could be in private and I asked if we could talk. I ended up asking if he wanted to come to my house that night to go to dinner and watch a movie. Well, I guess I could do it when he came over tonight. I didn't. He kissed me on the cheek and told me he loved me when he left. I pretended I didn't hear him and walked into my house. I couldn't do this for any longer. It had been three months since I "fell out of love." I was never in love actually. I came to school the next day determined to finally break up with him. All day I had gone over what I would say to him. Again, my expectations in my head were set way too high and I chickened out again. When I got home I finally lost it. Turns out, talking with my mom for an hour made a world of a difference. I had finally made my decision and I was going to break up with him. I talked to her and she said I would lose all respect if I did it over text so I decided to face-time him. I couldn't even get my words out. He had to say them for me. "You mean you just want to be friends?" he said. The pain on his face hurt me so much. I knew it would be like this. "I'm sorry, I hope you understand. It's better for the both of us." I said as he set his phone down so I couldn't see his face. I heard a forced "It's okay" and then he hung up. I walked into the living room with my family waiting. I was in shock. I didn't cry. I just told my family goodnight and went to sleep. I felt so guilty because I was relieved. Why was I relieved? The next day I went to school happier than I had been the past three months and people noticed the obvious change in me. Being with someone you don't love can really change a person. For one, it wasn't even love. I decided to keep a promise to myself that I would not date anyone else unless I knew they were the one.