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Write about someone who accidentally destroys a museum’s most valuable artifact.

Posted in Funny on Mar 15, 2024

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✍️ 30 stories

The Moustache Bandit's Confession

Submitted to Contest #242

My name is Charlie Benson. By day, I just go by Charlie. But by night, I go by a different name. In Germany I am known as the Schnurrbartträger. In India, the Munchh Daku. In Vietnam, I am the Kẻ cướp ria mép.I am the Moustache Bandit. And this is my confession.I am the Van Gogh of Van Dykes. The Michelangelo of moustachios. The Hokusai of the handlebar. I have travelled far and wide to freely display my art for the world. And while some may call me a criminal and a vandal, I see myself as simply another artist. For what is art but an induct...

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A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Gallery

Submitted to Contest #242

My nose itches.It started as a light tickle, but now it’s so bad my eyes are watering. Three people are still watching me, and if I move now, it’ll get taken out of my paycheck.Any minute now, they’re going to walk away, and then I can scratch, I think to myself.I’m probably one of the few people in the world who went to an art gallery and ended up as part of the exhibit. But that’s what happens when you (accidentally!) destroy a priceless piece of art that is more valuable than your ordinary mortal soul.Two people walk away. The third linge...

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A Blessed Misfortune

Submitted to Contest #242

A BLESSED MISFORTUNE_______________________                                                    By S. Pastrana  In the dim light of dawn, the disturbing sound of her mobile phone on the bedside table woke Sophie up. A cacophony of unexpected notifications began to arrive. The phone...

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Careful Steps Tread on Dangers

Submitted to Contest #242

I did everything I could; I really did. First, I tried to reason with Mr. Whentley, then I pleaded, and finally I begged. “It must be Wednesday, Samuel. That’s when they’ll be in town, and you know how valuable their time is. I will not make them wait.” “But-but . . .” My protests were left in his wake as he strode from the room. Conversely, I was stuck to my place, reluctant to move as if doing so was a final admission that my protests had been quashed for good. When I could finally accept the quashing, I returned to my cramped office and ...

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Art for Art's Sake

Submitted to Contest #242

Anne was bored. It had been fine, in theory, agreeing to take her niece to the Art Gallery, she liked spending time with Izzy, it was free to get in and she would get cool Aunty points for indulging Izzy’s ‘artzy fartzy’ phase. However, in reality, it was exhausting. She’d oo’ed and ah’ed and generally put in an Oscar worthy performance as “Art Appreciating Aunt” but they’d been here two hours now and Anne felt like they’d walked a marathon at a snails pace.Her feet ached and she really didn’t think she could bear to stand in front of anothe...

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The Broken Box and the Five Pandoras

Submitted to Contest #242

“...What… What in the name of all that’s decent in this world have you done?” Have you ever been in a terrible situation where you messed up so badly… you left a teacher almost speechless and considered changing your identity and running away? This happened to me and four other students. My name is Cassie Gray. I am the only human being in my class. I have only one friend, who is a fairy girl who is short and round. Fairies in my world are usually the size of humans. Her name is Bernice Calm. She doesn’t really fit her namesake. She is ter...

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Daniel Cleans Up

Submitted to Contest #242

It was Daniel’s first night working as a janitor at the local museum. He was nervous, so nervous he had already changed shirts twice and had brought an extra one with him just in case. He had spent the day practicing sweeping, mopping, and dusting everything in his apartment. He wanted to make a good impression on his boss. It was now the cleanest that it had ever been. He was sure to get his deposit back.  Daniel needed this job. It was his fourth one in the last six months. It wasn’t that he wasn’t good at his other jobs, it was just ...

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Divine Prank

Submitted to Contest #242

“It is with great pleasure that I present you the artefact we've been searching agonisingly for the past six months.” I gracefully pass my opened palm above the series of vases standing in front of the podium, carefully placed on an exhibition stand. “These are rumoured to be the last divine prank of Hermes.” The room, although packed with people falls silent. Everyone I look at seems like holding their breath. “This set of vases contains the remains of a team of inferior deities that were serving the great god of Olympus. According to vario...

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Knights at the Museum

Submitted to Contest #242

The Museum of Anachronisms was a profoundly uninteresting place where even pigeons chose other buildings to defecate on. Its main attraction, and by “main” I mean the only thing that stopped tourists from thinking it was a public restroom, was the legendary Chalice of Chronic Disappointment. It supposedly held the distilled essence of every disappointed sigh ever uttered within the museum’s walls, making it, paradoxically, the museum’s most fulfilling experience. Consequently, this chalice was guarded with the kind of intensity usually reser...

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The Unraveling of Kione Zephyr

Submitted to Contest #242

Kione Zephyr breathed in the scent of history, the hushed silence of the Cathedral of San Giovanni Battista seeping into their bones. Their footsteps echoed faintly across the polished stone, a lonely counterpoint to the rhythmic beat of their heart. Haunted since childhood by tales of curses and relics whispered by their Ethiopian grandmother, Kione had always been drawn to the hidden patterns of the world. Here, surrounded by centuries of faith, the weight of their task settled upon their shoulders. The Shroud of Turin, steeped in mystery ...

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Amber Alert

Submitted to Contest #242

Two days before Christmas, Roman Kopman, a 48-year-old anthropologist, woke up at seven a.m. like he had done for the past twenty-five years. Just as he was about to shrug out of his boxer shorts on his way to the bathroom, his attention was captured by the voice of a newsreader. "We have an intriguing update on the cigar-shaped interstellar object known as Oumuamua. It seems that this celestial visitor, which made its way into our solar system in mid-December, is showing signs of acceleration. Oumuamua, which reaches speeds of up to 54...

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The Unfortunate Incident with the Polar Bear

Submitted to Contest #242

Ooops. Oh shit. WTF!I stood frozen in horror as the deep burgundy wine trickled down the grimacing polar bear’s leg, soaking into its yellowish white fur. It looked like blood. It wasn’t that I was worried that he’d charge at me and tear me limb from lim.  I was safe from that at least. He’d already been shot, stuffed and mounted, and frozen in that grimacing expression for a very long time in his place on a pedestal in the museum. Still, I knew that natural history museums would rather present their artifacts, shot or not, in a more st...

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Going For Broke

Submitted to Contest #242

     Nervous, excited energy permeated every bone, fiber and nerve of Jean-Claude's body as he waited for Madame du Pompadour and her entourage to approach. He had assembled a stunning display of the finest Vincennes porcelain France would ever produce and desperately hoped Madame would find the sumptuous offerings to her taste. Jean-Claude poured his heart and soul into its manufacture and couldn't decide if the china or the mistress of Louis XV commanded the greater attention.      &nb...

6 likes 1 comment 1
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Who Watches The Rise

Submitted to Contest #242

Countless flatfooted boot wearers stand near 87 milky solid steps in the crisp fall air. Drones affixed with semiautomatic rifles hover above as they guard the sea of dull khaki and midnight blue garments. All eyes are looking at the tallest step, a pedestal, an 88th step. The leader, a confident, self-proclaimed freedom fighter standing tall with confidence at the cheering lot, clucking promises of freedom. “And that day my patriots, is today!” The leader licks his insatiable lips. Adoring the admiration of the crowd he picks from his pock...

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Ham, Cheese and Picasso

Submitted to Contest #242

“Well… well…” There was a brief pause. “Well?” “Well!” the security officer said, leaning over the desk so closely that his nostril hairs almost tickled Connor’s face. “I don’t think you realise the kind of trouble you’re in, do you son?” he said, his words laced with false authority and disapproval. The teenage boy sitting opposite simply shrugged and rolled his eyes up to the ceiling.  The room was small and certainly not intended to be for interrogations. Looking now at what was on the desk in front of him, Connor noticed that beside...

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