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Write a story inspired by the phrase “I’ll eat my hat.”

Posted in Dialogue on Apr 14, 2023

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✍️ 18 stories

Frankel and Kelso at the Track

Submitted to Contest #194

“Why did you tell him you’d eat your hat?”“Those were the terms. Joseph Macabee comes in less than third, and I eat my hat.”“But it’s such a nice hat, Frankel.”“I know, Kelso, but those were the terms. You know how these guys are.”“A horse only ever owns two or three nice hats in his life.”“I got at least six good hats back at the stable.”“I’ve never seen six good hats in your stall.”“Well, you shouldn’t be looking around my stall anyway. Mind your business.”“I’m not trying to look around. I just notice how it looks when I come to pick you u...

35 likes 12 comments 12
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Halford’s Helpful Hat

Submitted to Contest #194

I knew I was dying, I’ve known that for a while, but I didn’t think it was going to happen today, and I certainly didn’t think it would be at the hands of the woman who changed the course of my life but who I met for the first time just today. Being tazed and having your mouth stuffed full of thirty-seven year old wool and polyester doesn’t really give you time to make sense of things, but here I am, and there she is, and it’s slowly coming together in my brain. My limbs feel like jelly, my insides are twitching, my heart is trying to pound...

18 likes 16 comments 16
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Favors for Juniper - A Mike Russler Mini-Mystery

Submitted to Contest #194

A Homage to Martin Ross on Reedsy.If You Ain’t Readin’ His Stuff, You Should Be!CW: Language “Nah, it’s New York style, eat it like this,” I said, curling the slice over, tilting it, and shoving a choking hazard of saucy, cheesy heaven into my mouth. Velma scowled at me like I was a nickel shy of a dime. “Wow, er, I can’t eat like that.” Velma ate her pizza tip-first, parallel to the table like it rolled on a chugging Wile E. Coyote ACME conveyor belt into her incisors. Real pedestrian, and I mean South Dakota living, bought frozen from Safe...

17 likes 11 comments 11
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Eat my hat

Submitted to Contest #194

I will eat my hat Robbie loved his. Apples, pears, bananas, strawberries, anything; he loved the lot. He always took a fruit salad to school and waited with anticipation for lunch time. You could keep crisps, chocolate and pies as far as he was concerned. But even he was blown away by what he inherited from his grandfather. In fact if he could make it work he would eat his trademark bobble hat. The one condition his grandfather set out was that the 16 year-old Robbie had to use the caravan purely to introduce people to the same wonders and...

16 likes 1 comment 1
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The Witch's Hat

Submitted to Contest #194

Standing motionless in the shadows, the thief silently questioned every single one of his life choices that led to this moment. This was a very stupid contract to accept: to steal the hat of the witch of the forest. But the reward might just actually outweigh the risk, if he survived, that is. He had heard stories told around campfires for ages about the small cottage in the woods, and of the witch that was rumored to live within. No one who came too close to the cottage survived, the only sign of them were the screams from within. Well, ...

16 likes 3 comments 3
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"Would You Like Ketchup With That?"

Submitted to Contest #194

“I’ll eat my hat!” This is the catchphrase of a rather disagreeable gentleman who lives in Dripping Springs, Texas. His name is Derk Riley. Regardless of the conversation, you can be assured that Riley will argue that your point is wrong. And no matter how hard you try to prove it is true, the argument will always end in Riley saying, “I’ll eat my hat!” You can quote professionals, present news articles, or even have the person you’re referring to standing right there, and Riley will fold his arms, huff, and say, “If...

14 likes 2 comments 2
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One Hat For Dorothy

Submitted to Contest #194

[TW: The story is relatively light hearted, but there's mention of cheating, sexist beliefs (the MC does not endorse them, but they are mentioned), and it also talks about the sexual life of the MC and her brother.]“If you’re telling the truth, I’ll eat my hat.”“Now, why would you do that?”Dorothy looked over at her brother with a frown. “Why would I do what?” She wasn’t sure if her brother was being obtuse on purpose or if he was just stupid, but she, out of the kindness of her heart, decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.“Eat your h...

14 likes 1 comment 1
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Sancta Sanitate

Submitted to Contest #194

Trigger warning: This story deals with themes of mental health, suicide, and substance abuse. There's a secret stage of grief at which you accept something so bitterly that you dare the universe to make a fool out of you with a miracle. It's a stage that's diametrically opposed to bargaining. Imagine that anger and acceptance had a kid and that kid went off and beat bargaining up on the playground. But it's not reverse psychology. It's not muttering, "I wish I didn't have a million dollars right now" as a kindergartener because you're re...

14 likes 2 comments 2
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Bon Appetit

Submitted to Contest #194

Having arrived so early this cold, December day, I wasn’t sure Uncle Lenny was even awake at this hour.  It was only 7:30 and he often slept in during the colder months.  However, when he knew Jamaal, Timon, and I were en route to visit him, he practically fought sleep. He couldn't possibly be awake right now. He wasn't expecting us. When we left for college in London back in August, his countenance was one of sadness intermingled with excitement.  On that day, we promised to see him at Christmas. His response?  “If ...

14 likes 3 comments 3
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I’ll Bring The Ketchup

Submitted to Contest #194

The balls drifted in and out of focus as James gripped the edge of the table. The cushion sticky under his fingers from years of spilled beer. He took a few deep breaths and bent forward steadying his hand on the baize, the cue tip wobbling in time with his breathing as he tried to work out which of the pairs of balls was the right one to aim for. Blinking quickly the balls merged into a single blurry shape and he took the shot. The white ball jumped as the cue tip slipped underneath, leaving a long stripe of blue chalk along the scuffed gre...

13 likes 1 comment 1
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I'll Eat My Hat

Submitted to Contest #194

I’ll eat my hat! My mother exclaimed, “I’ll eat my hat if that man shows up while I can still answer the door without a walker!” My fiancé looked as if he were trying to decipher a foreign language. Apparently, residents of the Philadelphia main line do not use such idioms. In a span of two seconds, I observed Jack’s perplexed facial expression failing to obscure his mental visual of my mother pulling out a fork and knife and cutting into her smart navy-blue derby she had just worn to church. But there would be time later to explain this and...

13 likes 2 comments 2
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Generations

Submitted to Contest #194

The Shaw’s always seemed to be on the cusp of technological breakthroughs and advances…Fall of 1903Mrs. Shaw rang the dinner bell to summon her family from their work around the farm. Harry, Ruthie, and Samuel emerged from various points, with their father on their heels. She reminded them to wash up and kissed her husband at the door before giving the lot another lookover.“Has anyone seen Charles recently?” She asked her children as they gathered at the table. They shook their heads. Mr. and Mrs. Shaw exchanged knowing looks, having a stron...

12 likes 3 comments 3
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I'll eat my hat!

Submitted to Contest #194

I’LL EAT MY HAT! It was early morning, the sun was just barely over the horizon and the catfish were biting like crazy. Already the good old boys had a string of mud cats on their fish stringer and in their pail. Jeb and Bubba were perched on the old felled log beside the crick, their bait cans at their feet. Jeb’s can was filled with chicken livers while Bubba’s can contained a mess of squirming craw daddies just itchin’ to take hold of Bubba’s sausage like fingers. They had spent the entire journey to their favourite fishing ho...

12 likes 1 comment 1
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Summer 75 Fertility

Submitted to Contest #194

Summer Seventy-Five Are you decent? I’m always decent. Please rephrase the question.  Nightstand lamp lit the satiny leopard fabric drawn between eye clasps; elbows squared; fingers led by muscle memory negotiated contact with grace. Tussles with eye clasps may have been settled with pullover spandex, but no such providence this late July midnight pregnant with promise.  That’s all I can remember. I said something like, “Bless my heart.”  Securing the door, erstwhile etiquette marched me down the staircase to a ...

11 likes 0 comments 0
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The Delectable Delicasy of Dr Darlington's Hat

Submitted to Contest #194

*Trigger Warning- Death due to medical procedures My temples were pounding, and water- no, sweat- trickled down my forehead and back, despite my breath steaming in the air. Lord, all I wanted to do was collapse. I stumbled, crashing into the side of the ambulance. "Yazzie, is the patient stable!?" Emma Brown shouted from the front of the ambulance, yanking the steering wheel. She honked it as loud as she could, and my headache worsened. "The mother is! I don't know about the girl!" I forced myself to yell out. "Is she stable?! Bandage h...

11 likes 2 comments 2
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