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Tommy Goround

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Apr, 2022

Stories (19)

Comments

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230 Followers

72 Following

19 Stories

4059 karma pts

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The Sea People are back but you know they can never be whack

Seems to me that it started with the Sea People invading California after the great quake that split our country in half. I mean there was always the ancient farmers who voted for cheap labor and easy water rights but no one expected a gypsy like people to take over our long coastal commissions and start dating our daughters. It’s like they learned English at the Missionary Training Center in Utah, wence before they just grunted and passed rune stones. Some say they were displaced by the warring tribe of moses, they are tall and lean and tan...

2 likes

Book of Questions, 1982 edition

The Fer-de-lance is probably the most poisonous snakes in Costa Rica. And Michelle would know this by sight and color and length if she wasn’t only watching Bear Grillis’ “Survivor” in the parts where he took his shirt off. Not the before parts where they describe the island locations. Not the feeding parts where he eats spiders and half dead racoons and goes home to England to kiss his wife. Michelle is squirming in the viper pit with Monsier La Clarke. “See! I told you that documentary television was important.” You cannot learn poison ive...

2 likes

Sock Baby

Submitted to Contest #322

The Lawyer just sent me the bill, three hundred dates of a bad time. She charges 300 an hour because she’s not the greatest lawyer – and I probably should have been more supportive when she was going to defend that con artist celebrity lady on the news and make the real money. Her name is _xcsdx__, the Lawyer, not the celebrity fraudster. We are still waiting on Russia to tell the real name of that darling but I think xxxx will get her off if they both cry together. It something called Mercy of the Court strategy, and actually works if you g...

11 likes

A Quickie with Horace

“Have you ever seen Mr. Scimedi put cash in his pocket?”“Who?”“Horace Scimedi.”Oh. That was his name. The answer was obviously “yes” but I felt unsure what we were actually trying to accomplish. “Who are you guys, again?”Agent Stanely Danver and Mathie Theresplanti of the Warring Commision, a new branch of the Secret Service. Obviously they were trying to get Horace for tax evasion or the way he may or may not hire students before they were ready.I didn’t feel very comfortable answering their questions. Not that I am one of those hypocrites ...

3 likes

A Dedication

Submitted to Contest #304

The big dream was to get sent to a federal prison, maybe Super-Max, and have time to finish our novel. Steve had been busy with kids – we all had been busy with kids – so there wasn’t even time to start the crime which would lead to the solidarity which would finish the novel.I was making chum for poaching endangered sharks when Steve was hospitalized. The call came over from the UC Davis Hospital and I put down the ice cream scooper and drove up with the emergency lights flashing. This doesn’t really work unless you put a plague symbol [lar...

11 likes

A Story about... Love licenses, Child Rearing and getting Paid

Submitted to Contest #299

Every two years in California you have to renew your marriage license or the police can come into your bedroom and take the kids out of the stomach. It’s really weird and I’m greatful it hasn’t happened yet. But this year I got a notice, DOG Certification Required, in addition to paying the normal marriage license fees and getting a red sticker to put on my wife. She forced me to get my marriage registration tattooed on my left finger while I was drinking. I just pay for the tattoo number removal and then get the new one zipped on every year...

22 likes

EDS

Submitted to Contest #293

Tom Svinver barely missed the weight limit designed by the National Space Administration who claimed that his extra twenty pounds would cost a quarter million dollars to make him weightless. It was cost-prohibitive to send obese people to space. He had tried diet and exercise but at 43 years of age, tethered to a lab all day, Tom was desperately attempting a side-experiment with the dissolution of fat by a chemical alternative. All the rats had died. Two weeks before lift-off and final weight test he asked General Brodrick, “If I find t...

15 likes

Couple’s Therapy: Ukraine Russia Edition

Submitted to Contest #290

Couple’s Therapy: Ukraine Russia EditionDah. “Now Don-nald, I have to say this is very mature of you meeting me man to man. It’s much (how you say?) much less NOISY without the princess of Ukraine. This is good, no?”“Well Vlad, “ [Crossing the legs] “I’ve had time to learn this life is more than money. I’ve had my share of big splits… Why don’t you tell me what really troubles you?”“You know I take care of her for many years and she gives me back my nukeclear rings and say this: ‘Destroy! Destroy!’ You know how the nukeclear ring is for...

15 likes

The True History of England's Favorite Colony, as I heard it

Submitted to Contest #289

Trigger: written in the fat thumb grammar to avoid data miners over-borrowing any more labor.Grandpa was dragged out by his neck and forced to sign his property away. The crows thronged hard and threw their gnatty green tomatoes, their wooden shear sticks fanning about in the hazey morning. It was like a thunder strike as this tassled leash went around his neck and someone slapped a horse on the hind and the cobblestones went bumpety bumpety. It’s rough to have this awesome guy, this King of royal blood in your line, but you can’t brag ...

19 likes

Elvis is Coming

Submitted to Contest #280

Master Combat Sargeant Elvis Kneel was discharged from his third tour of active duty so he could go to the multi-person funeral of his wife and daughters. The Army asked that he leave his duty guns in a secured check with a padlock and a combination given to his squadron commander. The newspapers knew that a scarred and tenacious freak was coming home but they simply reported that the women were survived by their husband and father.The Mayor thought it was a good time to appoint a Vice Mayor if anyone would like the fringe benefit of unlimit...

22 likes

V1.2 Shepard's Pie

The ushers were very kind, just so gentle, not clingy when my legs gave out all the way down the aisle to meet CJ Mach and his microphone. He had one of those 1980’s microphone that was skinny and came to a mushroom head and the man expected me to give him a kiss on the cheek (or the lips if I wanted to get lucky). “Tommmmmmmy Goooooooooround! Come on down.” No CJ. I wll not go down. (I felt like nearly puking). In all my years as a consumer, a sinner, a speeder and the occasional fictitious filing on a tax return – I had neve...

10 likes

We Are Forced to Take a Stand

Submitted to Contest #277

Hard Water was going around because some of the local kids got hold of oodles of erectile dysfunctional pills and climbed the water tower, opened the testing hatch and “Voila!”Blame Amazon, again. So the entire town is on lockdown now because Mr. Westly at the bank likes to walk around with his morning coffee. His wokeness was right in the face of a kid waiting to see if their parents got an extension on their mortgage. The kid screamed, Mr. Westley dropped his coffee all over the spots that got McDonald’s sued for hot coffee. The bank ...

12 likes

Michelle's death was greatly exaggerated.

Submitted to Contest #272

The tales of Michelle’s death were greatly exaggerated. She did not die of Hyper-Calcitus (the overconsumption of orange juice), and she did not require 16,000$ worth of encasement and beachfront property in Pacific Grove. I had always argued that the cemetery was too close to the Pebble Beach golfers, their crusty eyesight was conjunctive, and it would take only one missliced drive and I was going to join her forever.Michelle got the kind of funeral reserved for rich nobles in the 14th century. I wondered if they buried Lady Godiva with clo...

15 likes

Out of Hand

Submitted to Contest #268

All right, the omnipresent omni-powerful phone thing is getting out of hand.  I mean a guy can’t even take a girl out anymore without her trying to wrap his phone in a wad of tin foil. They follow us into the restroom on the first date. Not to make sure we are washing hands but to make sure we do not defile the stalls with the lust which is founded in the Wall Street Journal.  “I can see your feet!”  Olivia is screaming at me and I thought it was a private place and the waiter understood. He would fill her cup with iced tonics...

24 likes

Psst...(Jill killed Jack)

Shortlisted for Contest #256 ⭐️

“I very much need some socks pretty please with sugar on top.” This was the text that I sent to my estranged ex-wife. The one who wanted to drag me out to the wilderness under the guise of talking about financing our first childs’ entrance into college. I knew that she was old fashioned and wanted to push me from a hill. Just like Fellini. So my last request was not very sinister. I mean, even death row inmates should get some free laundry or a meal. Maybe even a prayer? I looked into the pantry of my rental and decided there ...

39 likes